People Just Discovered A Hidden Amazon Page About Their Buying Habits—And Some Of Its Assumptions Are Hilariously Wild

At this point you'd have to live under a rock to not know that Amazon knows EVERYTHING about you.

But have you ever wondered what exactly "everything" constitutes?

Well, turns out there's a section of the site where you can find out, and people online have discovered that a lot of Amazon's "data" is hilarious... and creepy... and creepily hilarious.

It all started when threads user @fangirlinmegan discovered Amazon's "About You" section and found quite the call-out in her roster of product "preferences."

@fangirlinmegan/Threads

Most of the preferences were normal stuff. Amazon has surmised that she owns a Shark vacuum, has noticed that she regularly purchases cat hairball treatments, and often shops from women's departments.

Pretty standard stuff! But then down at the bottom of the list? "Has flat buttocks." Excuse you, Bezos!

As @fangirlinmegan put it in a response to her own post:

"I mean it ain’t wrong but d*mn did you have to call me out like that? 😭"

So how exactly to find this hilarious manifestation of the nightmare surveillance state Amazon has built that many of us have willfully brought into our homes via our Alexas?

Another user @sarah.j_ca posted the exact steps to get to this part of the app.

@sarah.j_ca/Threads

In the app, click "Account," then "Shopping Preferences," then "About You," and you should be well on your way to being dragged to filth by Amazon!

But only do so if you're ready to really get told about yourself in the bluntest way possible, because some of the things people found are downright confrontational.

Like one woman who basically got called a big-back who "has not worn a medium size in anything in years" by Amazon.

@carlaaaa77/Threads

Or another who's "bad father" got called out by the app.

@sarahesterman/Threads

Another got called for shopping for "premium ice cream" A LOT during "a concentrated period." Listen, we're all going through tough times, let the woman have her ice cream, Amazon!

@yeetedrevelry/Threads

But one woman's post kinda takes the cake. Amazon called her out pretty viciously... in clinical terms that are almost disturbing.

@24kk_bratz/Threads

Her preferences included "has a FUPA" and the more direct "has a stomach that hangs over their vagina." Okay, Amazon? CHILL.

Not all of them were this shocking, however. Many people's "preferences" were just downright weird and absurd.

@manicpop

@granted.wish.b/Threads

@heyitscourtneyem/Threads

But perhaps the most surprising ones? The ones that revealed the real extent to which Amazon is spying on all of us.

Because many people discovered "preferences" they felt there was no way Amazon could know.

Seemingly forgetting, of course, that the entire point of an Alexa is to spy on you—something security experts have warned about for years that has mostly been waved off as hysteria until recent uproars over the emerging surveillance state in the United States.

For instance, Amazon was forced to end its partnership with Flock, the company erecting AI-powered surveillance cameras all over the U.S. with alarming speed, amid public outcry over the company sharing data from its Ring doorbells with Flock.

@jessica.cruz___/Threads

Amazon's Ring doorbell cameras were previously in partnership with Flock until public outrage forced them to divest—or at least say they're divesting, anyway.

And, back when the United States had an actual government that cared at all about doing anything even remotely not evil, the Federal Trade Commission fined Amazon $25 billion for continuous, round-the-clock spying on customers through its Alexa, Echo, and Ring products, including constant voice recordings of children.

@heyitscourtneyem/Threads

But our chance to rein that in went up in smoke when we decided to elect Donald Trump, whose main donor Peter Thiel is on the board of Flock and is the Chairman of appallingly evil surveillance company Palantir, which is in partnership with, you guessed it, Amazon.

Seems like we should've listened to the tinfoil hats on this one!

Anyway! Given all this 1984-level, Terminator-style surveillance, people were pretty shocked by the things Amazon seemed to know about them—including things that have always been kept completely private.

@missbrightside1986/Threads

Yeah, probably completely fine that a shopping company in partnership with the companies currently enabling cops to stalk their ex-girlfriends and wrongfully arrest and jail people at gunpoint is able to read our text messages while we shop for toilet paper.

Nothing to worry about here, just another zany day in the life of our modern era! Ha ha!