' Weird d*cks in nature' is one of those conversations nobody ever starts, but everyone has found themselves participating in at one point or another.
It's about to be that time for you and you can blame TikTok for it.
As a writer, I don't know whether to apologize or say you're welcome for what's mentally about to happen for all of my readers today.
So…
We've talked about cats and their reverse-barbed penises.
Corkscrew duck d*ck is both a unique natural adaptation and a killer band name.
The male octopus has been known to take "Go f*ck yourself!" very literally, sometimes ripping off his reproductive organ and just giving it to the female to use at her convenience.
It's less common, however, to discuss human penises in these types of conversations. Thing is, human penises are some of the weirdest d*cks nature has served up.
First of all, they're massive.
As far as primate peen goes, humans are packing some serious heat. Relative to our size, humans are out here slangin' that thang through these streets like Long Dong Silver.
Gorilla erections average just over an inch. Bonobos, an ape well known for using sex for fun and social bonding, max out at about three. The average human erection is five inches with plenty of variance.
Secondly, there's no bones in human boners—which is totally a thing for primates.
Other primates have penile bones keeping them rigid and an erection happens through serious ab work, basically.
Not us weirdos. We have this hydro-thing happening—no bone and no super d*ck abs. That flexibility offers humans a wider variety of possible angles to do the deed.
Third of all, why are we Arby's out here serving up the meats?
Human penises are crazy-wide compared to our closest natural relatives. Our relatives are serving thinner, more rigid peen. Humans evolved to be fat and flexible.
We thicc. But why, tho?
And the mushroom thing? What's that about?
Nature is really good at structural design (engineering, not so much. Knees would like a word with the manager, please and thanks.) so penises in nature evolve to do stuff.
Tapir (a South American anteater-pig looking relative of horses and rhinos) penises are prehensile—their wonder-worm evolved to do a lot of stuff … even scratch itches.
So design-wise, there's got to be a purpose for the human penis to be longer, thicker and have that mushroom savoir faire.
The hypothesis?
Nature knows we're kinda kinky. Just kidding. Well, sort of.
The theory is the human penis evolved to fill up as much space inside of the vagina as possible, at as many angles as possible, with a design feature at the front that worked as a scoop. All of this is to displace as much fluid as possible.
"Fluid" as in sperm already there from the penis before you because your partner would have had multiple other partners as well.
The thrusting motion of penetrative sex would have scooped the other semen out of the way so that your ejaculate would be closer to the cervix, increasing the chance that any resulting offspring would be yours.
Now why are we talking about all of this now? Because apparently it's a trending Google search.
Why is it trending? Researchers were wondering the same thing.
Turns out, it's a TikTok video's fault.
Some people are visual learners. But "the fluid displacement of prior semen from inside of a vagina by the structural design of the human penis" is a real tricky thing to visually learn about in a safe-for-work way.
Until now.
@seth_in_the_city #stitch with @pduck11 #Inverted
So there you have it.
Now you know why human penises look that way. And why everyone was Googling it.
You're Welcome.
I'm Sorry.
Kerry Dolan/Forbes
@teddysphotos/Instagram