Did you know your own phone can turn you gay?
It really can't.
But one Russian man would have you—and Apple, whom he is currently suing—believe otherwise.
A man whose public identity is currently listed as "D. Razumilov" is filing suit against Apple for "moral suffering and harm to mental health" after he downloaded a gay dating app.
The plaintiff claims he received 69 GayCoins on an app on his iPhone in 2017, which is objectively hilarious, and that the receipt of such suggestive currency led him directly into the marshes of gaydom.
Reportedly the payment said "don't judge without trying."
To which the plaintiff responded:
"I thought, indeed, how can I judge something without trying it? And decided to try same-sex relationships."
The plaintiff continued in his complaint:
"I can say after the passage of two months that I'm mired in intimacy with a member of my own sex and can't get out. I have a steady boyfriend and I don't know how to explain it to my parents."
"After receiving the aforementioned message, my life has changed for the worse and will never be normal again."
No comment was made on how many men would literally kill for a steady boyfriend two months after coming out.
The plaintiff is suing Apple for $15,000 for the emotional distress of dating a man steadily.
Meanwhile, gay men everywhere are left wondering if it was secretly their iPhone that turned them gay.
Except not really, because we were gay a long time before iPhones were even thought of.
The movie Cell, available here, based on the Stephen King book of the same name features something else your cellphone can't do: kill you.
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Judd Legum (@juddlegum.bsky.social)
@SenTinaSmith/X; @elonmusk/X
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