Damn #2....

I worked at a brain trauma rehab facility once and we had a residential client there that was pretty low functioning. He was wheelchair-bound - we had to strip him down, get him out of his chair and into bed (guy was big), hook him up to a condom catheter, and put him in a diaper every night.

So one night I get him in there, his diaper's lying underneath him and I'm about to put it on, and he looks at me all angry and sort of half-whispers "I have to take a poop. Bad." To do this would require unhooking him, transferring him to his wheelchair, rolling him into the bathroom, transferring him to the toilet, wait for him to poop, wipe him (his arm muscles were partially atrophied so he couldn't wipe himself), transfer him back to the chair, roll him back to his room, transfer him back into bed and hook him up. Enormous pain in the butt.

So I looked at the diaper underneath him and said "just go, man." So he gets that poo face, and I'll never know why, but I watched that enormous dry poop slide out of him like a ticket dispenser. I looked him in the eyes and said "I don't know why the hell I watched that," and he started belly laughing, which caused farting aftershocks that kind of jiggled the poop and threatened to roll it off the bed. I grabbed the diaper real quick, rolled it up while I re-diapered him and finished tucking him in, then disposed of the turd in the toilet (I could have used a poo stick - apparently it's common for wheelchair bound peoples' colons to get fairly large), and never talked about it again after than night. Laimbrane

Yumm....

I ate a whole package of raw cookie dough just because I was an adult and could. It was incredible, I did not feel well. magicalpussyjuice

Keep it clean...

Farting as you leave an elevator or ascend an escalator.

PootieMagoo

I learned this the hard way. Was at a wedding that Garth Brooks was attending. I went to the rooftop of the hotel we were at then came back down to the reception. While in the elevator I let one go that even I didn't want to sit through. When the doors opened it was Garth and Trisha Yearwood leaving the reception. I know they smelt my insides for the 16 floor death ride.

billbogle

Bright idea! 

I licked a light-bulb, while it was on, and burned my tongue. hardatwork89

Take care...

Eating super unhealthy for extended periods- you will feel the pain after (even if it's months after, you need to take care of your body.) lavaflow666

I try to force myself to eat less. It has helped, and my appetite (and also weight) have both gone down, but it is the hardest thing in the world to be stoned and not open up the doordash app. juandonde

Damn you Taco Bell!

"I'm an adult. I can eat whatever I want and whenever I want."

17 year old me would have a god damn stroke if I told him he can't eat $20 dollars worth of Taco Bell 5 nights a week.

dinosaregaylikeme

Choose cupcakes... 

When I first moved out I realized while I was at the store: "I could just buy and eat an entire cheesecake." I did. I have never felt so full and sick. Tumtumtumtumtums

Thank you Diet Coke... 

I ate at least 2000 calories of fast food in one shot because I had coupons:

1. A large Beef N' Cheddar
2. Two regular Beef N' Cheddars
3. Large curly fries.

I threw up very shortly afterwards. Was it a wise decision? No. Do I regret it? Also no. They have the meats.

(and yes, I did have a Diet Coke.) Reddit

Mind your business..

Eavesdropping. At one point my young self figured "well if I can hear it it's fair game," that ended pretty quickly after I overheard some upsetting family crap from listening in on my parents. Skullyta

Don't be evil...

Play with people's feelings... Bulbasaur2015

No kids. No Court Orders...

Marry or become involved with someone with young - under 12/13 years old - kids. Just Don't.

I love my husband, he accepted my broken self and loved me for who I am. I accepted, loved and cared for his 2 year old daughter like she was my own. Whatever our bio kids got, she got. For real. BUT her family, because I like routine and this strange thing called "boundaries," they got nasty.

We spent the first 6 years of marriage being dragged through family law courts for their shits and giggles, laughing at us when we asked them to consider that we weren't able to care for the "precious child" they were fighting to steal away, because we were having to pay ongoing legal costs. Her mother was a wealthy, drug addicted, party girl. She abandoned my step daughter, neglected her and threatened to throw that beautiful kid out of a 7th floor window. All told, it cost us $30 000 in 2000-2001. I literally was working for a year and a half to pay a lawyer. We eventually fired the (incompetent) lawyer and self represented. Which, by the way was a bold move that paid off for us. Part of the issue was serious sexual abuse allegations against an adult that we had to protect our girl from, as well as to institute mechanisms that she'd be safe in her (recovered) mother's care.

Eventually we beat them into submission (the power of self representation is underrated if you are intelligent and capable of learning from everything at your disposal) - I negotiated with their legal team as a non-lawyer and we walked out with our girl's safety guaranteed.

Don't get me wrong, I love him and her and wouldn't change a thing. But it financially crippled us, the repercussions are still with us 18 years on. Our kids have missed out on many things but the balance of that being their half sisters safety was without question worth it.

I just really hope that other people can learn something from our experience, that it is a massive gamble to be with someone who has a kid and no court orders in place. Just be clever about that decision. It has lifelong repercussions. _LuckyDucky_

Crazy Old Rich Guys...

Around 25 years ago now (Hard to believe its been so long.) Some of my colleagues and I were getting a fairly luxurious trip to a new amusement park that a guy needed us to come inspect. The guy shows up in a helicopter to take is out there. This guy clearly had "f**k you" money.

We all head out to his newly constructed park and all seemed a little to good to be true. As the day progressed my colleagues and I were seeing all of these special rides this crazy rich dude had set up. It was nuts.

Towards the end of the day we took an automated tour of the grounds (pretty lame if you ask me.) The stupid thing broke down while we were all out there and some of the crew had to come pick us up. They managed to pick up some of us but others got left behind and ended up getting lost in the woods. Now there are two kids out there with a stranger in the woods, and one guy got eaten by a T-Rex! I was obviously upset so I turned to that old rich guy and spat out the sickest burn of all time, I'm still proud of this one. I said, "Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn't stop to think if they should."

Got 'em. MrFriend92

Block them fools! 

Message/friend your Ex on social media!! Kharn0

Portion Control yo! 

My husband is out of town, which rarely happens, so I wanted to eat all the food I like the way I like it. And I did. And 20 hours later, I still feel miserable. It was mostly a bunch of potato chips, spaghetti with butter, candy corn, and cake. I don't know what lunch at work is today, but I'm praying there is a salad. Oof. Even the mozzarella sticks I bought for dinner tonight aren't seeming to be appetizing. Beachy5313

Stick with vodka...

Burger Challenges cause the waitress is cute and told you to do it. 13 beers deep, Burger the size of my head and a pound of poutine.. my tummy hurt. Engineer_ThorW_Away

Seriously?! 

Ate a bar of deodorant as a kid because I saw this 1 " prank" video where he exchanges it with cheese and I thought it also happened to ours. Jasper83YT

Sit down... 

Got into a long debate at a party about the laws regarding riding a bicycle while intoxicated. I finally found the laws on my phone and proved it was legal where I live.

Later that night I ate crap riding my road bike drunk. One of my eyes was swollen shut for 2 days. 0/10 would recommend. halfcafsociopath

Suck up that Vitamin C

Showing up to work on your first day of catching a cold. When you think you still might have the energy, but you feel like a wreck soon after lunch. Bunchofbees

That's not a talent! 

Biting your toenails. I have no story, I'm just flexible and have a habit of biting my fingernails. alblom

REDDIT