The Craziest Things People Say 'Real Men' Don't Do

In 1982, humorist Bruce Feirstein released his book Real Men Don't Eat Quiche. It was intended as satire, poking fun at masculine stereotypes.

But many people saw the title and either vigorously concurred with or vehemently denied the title's claim of male quiche consumption.

Competing t-shirts saying "real men" do or don't eat the cheesy French egg pies sold well.

Over 40 years later, insecure people are still declaring what "real men" will or won't do.

Reddit user thatrubiksguy1 asked:

"What's the craziest thing you've heard that 'real men' don't do?"

Insecurities

"I think it’s so funny how insecure some guys get over the dumbest sh*t."

"Pink shirt?"

"Wearing tight shorts while bicycling?"

"Hugging your dad?"

"Not watching sports?"

"Not drinking to excess?"

"They’re so afraid people will think they’re gay, that they not only avoid very normal things, but actively talk sh*t to people who do those things."

"In my opinion, real men (or any adult) does what they want to do regardless of how others feel about it. Don’t need no one to tell me if the bear sh*ts buckwheat."

~ Over-Wait-8433

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Virtually Insufferable

"Umm, real men don't 'go to the supermarket' or 'wait in line at the coffee shop'."

"I dated a crypto bro whose net worth was in the eight digits for like 5 minutes THIS ONE TIME."

"Apparently that changes you into a douchebag."

"His group of friends all had this depressive dreadful outlook on life and in the rare occasions they actually spoke, they spoke about how many millions they 'lost'."

"Millions THEY NEVER ACTUALLY HAD TO BEGIN WITH!"

~ ohwhereareyoufrom

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She's Fit

"I saw a picture of a well-toned, fitness model gym-babe with the comment 'Men who like this type of woman are gay'."

"Liking women is, apparently, gay."

~ lurgi

"Liking women is the most common form of gayness for men."

~ aaaayyyy

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Don't Let Them Eat Cake

"Real men don't bake."

"Heard that from a woman at work, after I brought in some cakes I made. F*ck her, they tasted amazing, but she wouldn't even try one after I mentioned I made it."

"She had all sorts of (mostly negative) things to say about how men are or 'should be'. It wasn't a suprise to hear she had been single most of her adult life."

"Funny how those who proclaim the loudest about their expertise often have the least success."

~ worldworn

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No Sucking Allowed

"Real men don't drink from straws."

"Really? Your masculinity is so fragile that you are unmanned by a small cylindrical utensil that helps facilitate hydration?"

"I guess that tracks, since some men also refuse to drink plain water."

"They live off energy drinks and alcohol, then wonder why they've always got a headache."

~ AccessibleBeige

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Hands Off

"Real men don't show affection."

"Someone told me my boyfriend holding my (his female girlfriend's) hand was 'pretty gay'."

"In fact, any time my boyfriend shows me affection, this is labelled as unacceptably non-masculine according to this guy."

"Remember boys you’re gay and simp if you kiss a girl!"

~ Svg47

"This is so deeply sad."

"Such a huge and fulfilling piece of life to miss out on."

~ Wunderfill

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Bros Before...

"When I was in college, I was in a student club/special interest group. One of the other members was in a fraternity. Our group was not one that lended itself to the sort of thing fraternity members usually like."

"After one meeting, he was clearly in a bad mood and we asked what his mood was all about. When we found out, we were all boggled."

"The upcoming week was a long weekend, and this guy's girlfriend's parents were going out of town. She had invited him over to spend a clothing optional weekend alone with her."

"However, this weekend was also a weekend when there was some college football game, and the fraternity was having a watch party."

"When he told his fraternity brothers that he could not go to the watch party because he was going to go spend the weekend alone with his girlfriend, they accused him of being gay, and not a 'real man'."

"Because the thing a 'real', straight, 100% heterosexual man would prefer doing was spending all weekend huddled up drinking with a bunch of other men, NOT spending all weekend having sexy times with his girlfriend."

~ Footnotegirl1

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Grunt Occasionally So They Know You're Alive

"Apparently, real men don't speak about anything of consequence or value. For example, my brother was going through an awful divorce."

"So I called him at Christmas that year to see how he was doing since it was his first Christmas alone. For calling to check on him, I got called gay, a woman, and was told that I was soft like a marshmallow Peep."

"I was so furious that I hung up the phone. About 3 months later, I called to explain why I was so irritated with his reaction to my genuine concern."

"Rather than apologize, he tells me about some movie with Robert Duvall and Kevin Costner where they drive cattle and are about to get in some gun fight, so they decide they should exchange names for the first time."

"He cited that as the pinnacle of how 'real men' act."

~ Gameguy336

"I can't understand why he's divorced."

~ AmigaBob

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No Cat Dads?

"Real men don't like cats."

"No less a luminary than Mark Twain said, 'When a man loves cats, I am his friend and comrade, without further introduction'."

"So there."

~ weird-oh

"I don’t 100% trust people who don’t like cats.

"Cats will cut you if you aren’t nice to them, so if you can’t be nice to a cat, I can’t trust you to be nice to a person."

~ Mc-MeepMeep

"I'm about 6 foot, 275 pounds of muscle, fat, and beard. I've had people tell me how intimidating I look on many occasions."

"I regularly stand in my front window in a snuggy, holding/petting my cat, and waiving to my wife as she backs down the driveway to go to work every day."

"Totally unashamed."

~ NotBannedAccount419

"I heard someone say that people who like dogs, but hate cats, do so because you can't control cats as easily as a dog and tell them what to do."

"Men who want to bully and intimidate people, hate cats. Men who don't need to intimidate anyone, love cats."

"Some of the toughest guys I've ever seen positively melt if you hand them a kitten."

~ StuChenko

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💩 👀

"Real men don't wipe or wash their butt properly."

"Because touching a man's butt—even their own—is 'gay'."

~ MushLampMaker

"It hurt my f*cking brain so much to find out this is apparently a very real thing."

"Fellas..."

"Boys..."

"It's not gay to not be smeared in your own excrement, I promise."

~ Kradget

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Pucker Up

"My friend wasn't allowed to have chapstick because his dad said he 'looked like a woman putting on lipstick'."

"He could only have the stuff you put on with your finger from a little pot. His dad was such a d*ck... we all hated him!"

~ Yuklan6502

"As a tradesman that frequently works outdoors, during winter, on the Canadian Praries, I can't understand this line of thinking."

"'To prove that I am a hot blooded, Heterosexual Man, who thinks that only women or gay men protect their skin, I will live for the next 6 months with cracked and bloody lips to prove that I am the Manliest of Men and never think of other men in a sexual manner!'."

"Or during the summer, with sunburned lips? Sweet zombie Jesus on a pogo stick, those hurt even more!"

~ Canadian_Decoy

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Missionary Only

"Real men don't let a woman be on top during sex."

"Apparently, that is gay."

"A man, having sex, with a woman."

"Totally gay."

~ noeinan

"I don't think they realize the definition of gay or homosexual."

"It generally means men that don't have sex with women."

~ Fast_NotSo_Furious

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Illiteracy Is Sexy

"Real Men Don’t Read Books."

"Sure, sure, sure, sounds good, my guy."

~ KhronicDreams

"People nowadays are proud to not read books."

"'I haven't read a book since I graduated high school!' is a sentence I've heard way too often."

~ Meta2048

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Sometimes A Banana Is Just A Banana 🍌

"Real men don't eat bananas, popsicles, or anything remotely phallic-shaped in public."

"I once worked with a guy who was so insecure he wouldn’t eat Mr. Goodbar or drink Mr. Pibb because he didn’t want anything that had a male-identified name in his mouth."

~ Ok-Emu-2690

"Oh, a friend's dad wouldn't let him eat bananas unless he used a knife and fork, or if it was sliced up already, because eating a whole banana made him 'look gay'."

~ Yuklan6502

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Y'all Are Nasty

"Reading through these rules, I think I want to be gay, guys."

"Straight dude rules are gross."

~ Zestyclose_Ad_6894

What's the most ridiculous male stereotype you've heard?