Skip to content
Search AI Powered

Latest Stories

Employees Describe Their Perfectly Legal Jobs So They Sound Totally Illegal, And We're Shook

Linguistics is a fascinating thing. Something can be denotatively the same but connotatively different, ie. the difference between a butt dial and a booty call. So when you change a few words about your job, it sounds so sketchy that you can't help but shudder.


u/weird_sex_stuff asked:

How can you describe your legal, legitimate job so it sounds illegal or sketchy?

See if you can guess what these jobs are.

A Truck In The Night

Giphy

I usually park my truck in alleyways in the middle of the night and deliver my product to my customers. No one there but me. Have keys to the buildings. Once im done, I lock it up and leave. No one sees me come or go. Easy transactions. Except when the cops show up.

boulderbrimstone

A Job We Might Not Need

I make it easier for people to make nuclear heads and rockets.

OmarAdelX

A Needed Service

Giphy

I teach people (some as young as 18) how to lie a person on a table and touch their naked body in all the right ways, then collect money for it.

protegomyeggo

The Enemy

You throw us some money every year & we promise to protect you. That is, if you read carefully...

W0mbatJuice

In These Skies

People pay me through an intermediary to make quick getaways. And I mean super quick. I break boundaries that governed man for millennia, that's how quick I go.

I don't ask any questions, hell most of the time I never even see them.

ChugLaguna

Up In Flames

Giphy

My coworkers and I break into people's homes any time, day or night, and try to find where they and their kids might be hiding. When we find them, we forcefully drag then out of their home. And they usually thank us for it after.

mtd074

La Vie En Rose

People pay me to tactically burn animals. I do it fast, I do it well, and I yell as loud as possible to let you know when your flesh is done burning. Sometimes I give them raw flesh with a raw egg on top. Sometimes I make people eat snails, and live octopus. They pay me to do this. I'm really good at cutting apart whole animals with a series of knives I carry at all times, as well. You got a dead animal? I'll cut that it up, grind it, and stuff it back inside its own innards, then let it sit room temperature for f---ing weeks until it grows mold. You people love it, and you pay me a premium.

French food is terrifying when broken down like this.

demonchefofportland

Not The Government

I watch middle schoolers all day. And I spy on their internet activity.

Marawal

Soldering Is Close

Giphy

I shove my rod into tight gaps all day. I end up going home hot and sticky.

StumpyTheGreat

Medics

I hand out drugs and sometimes stab people.

AHelmine

More from Trending

Chris Colfer; Lea Michele

Bruce Glikas/WireImage; Craig Barritt/Variety via Getty Images

Chris Colfer Offers Hilarious Mic Drop Response After He's Asked To Confirm If Lea Michele Can Read

If you've been anywhere near the internet the last few years you've surely heard the rumor that controversial Glee alum and Broadway star Lea Michele can't read.

Well, her Glee costar Chris Colfer has finally weighed in on the topic, and his response was one for the ages.

Keep ReadingShow less
Charlie Kirk; screenshot of 5th grade homework assignment from
Andrew Harnik/Getty Images; @neeltheillest/TikTok

5th Grade Teacher's Homework Packet About Charlie Kirk Has Parents Outraged

The continued deification—extreme form of veneration or idolization—of Turning Point USA co-founder Charlie Kirk has reached 5th grade classrooms, or so it seems if a recent TikTok video is to be believed.

TikTok user @neeltheillest shared what they claimed was a child's homework assignment from an unnamed teacher at an unnamed elementary school in the Los Angeles area according to a hashtag on the post.

Keep ReadingShow less
Stephen Miller; Gavin Newsom
Andrew Harnik/Getty Images; Mario Tama/Getty Images

A MAGA Influencer Just Praised Stephen Miller's 'Incredible Aura'—And Gavin Newsom Pounced

California Governor Gavin Newsom weighed in with the perfect Harry Potter meme after MAGA influencer—and Turning Point USA contributor—Savannah Hernandez gushed over meeting White House Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller.

A few days back, Hernandez said she "finally" got the chance to meet Miller, remarking that the man—the architect of the Trump administration's immigration crackdown that has torn apart thousands of families—has an "incredible aura."

Keep ReadingShow less
Donald Trump
Anna Moneymaker/Getty Images

Viral Photo Of Trump With Golden Sconce Behind Him Gives Fittingly Devilish Optical Illusion

President Donald Trump is perhaps the most polarizing man in the world, loved intensely by his core base and sympathizers, and downright unpopular and even hated by those who see him as a threat to democracy at home and abroad.

Trump is also perhaps the most photographed man on Planet Earth and a picture by Getty Images photographer Jim Watson captured the president in a Cabinet meeting on Thursday with a golden wall sconce perfectly placed behind his head to give him devil horns.

Keep ReadingShow less
Photo of a grey walled bathroom with the man and woman symbols on the wall.
Photo by Juan Marin on Unsplash

Women Break Down The Things Men Do That They Don't Realize Make Women Feel Safe Or Unsafe

Listen up gents, the ladies are speaking.

It's really easy to be a good guy and not scare women.

Keep ReadingShow less