No-Job-Guffaws

In a staff meeting when they told us the store was closing and we would all be losing our jobs. It was the first mandatory full staff meeting in the 2 years I had been there (usually the warehouse area where I worked would do those things separately).

I was joking in the carpool to work that we were all getting laid off in one go to save time and when we get there the Big Boss has tissue boxes lining the meeting table. I knew I was right and immediately starting giggling like an idiot. I kept it together (kinda) until they announced the lay offs and then I lost it.

Other people were in tears for losing their jobs but the whole thing was weirdly hilarious to me.

TwistedGrin

Unbelievable

When I was 20, I moved to North Carolina to live with my bf at the time. I had come from a fairly active church background, so my bf, wanting me to feel at home, decided to take me to a quaint church out in the backwoods just outside of town. The congregation was divided by gender, men on the right, women on the left. The pastor greeted me and made a huge deal about how he was happy to make an exception to allow me to sit with my bf on the men's side since it was my first time attending, so I did.

It was a fire-and-brimstone, straight out of a movie, Big Tent Revival, evangelical church. The pastor was yelling and stomping and shouting about how the media and TV was corrupting our children and how we should close our eyes to worldly sin or forever forfeit our right to the kingdom. It was intense. He was jumping and pointing and spit was flying as he preached, and then he locked eyes with me while saying "So I say, YES, I SAY, Lord, GET SPONGEBOB AND HIS LITTLE FRIEND OUT OF MY HOUSE! Get them OUT, dear lord, for I will not let my babies bare witness to their sin!" And I lost it. I could not contain myself. I buried my face in my hands, then in my bf's shoulder, but I couldn't stop, and I was shaking uncontrollably. The men around us thought I was 'touched' by the service and they all laid their hands on me in prayer, which made it much, much worse, and when I finally got myself under control, I had tears of laughter streaming down my face.

We never went back.

LinesOnMaps

F Is For Friends Who Fart Stuff Together

My best friends father died, and we kinda stopped talking for a while. I dont think I had seen her in almost a year. Well as wee go down to hug and say hi to the family, I noticed it the same thing over and over "I'm sorry for your loss." If you need anything, im always here for you guys"

Well I knew she was tired of hearing it, as I walked up I hugged her and whispered in her ear " I just farted"

With tears in her eyes she laughed uncontrollably. And she still mentions that moment from time to time.

And yes we are best friends again.

cole24allen

Ding Dong Merrily On High

At my mother's baptism...

My mother was raised Catholic but grew away from the church for various reasons over the years, but she became very active at her local Baptist church and decided to officially convert. They held a huge ceremony during the Sunday morning service, and the whole family showed up to support her.

Well, there is always music and singing, and being a fairly large church, they had a band with a multitude of instruments. There was this one fucking guy, and his job was to play the chimes. You know, the different ones hanging on strings all in a row? Well let me tell you, this guy LOVED to play the f*cking chimes. It was his only job. He did it with such flourish. He would shove his hand into the air before swooping into the hanging bars of metal. Did you know that he was also able to incorporate chimes in to multiple points of all the songs played? Well he did. Chimessssss all day.

The first time it happened, my husband and I locked eyes in the pew. That was it, we f*cking lost it. AND HE KEPT DOING IT! Song after song. We could not get control of ourselves. My father, sitting behind us, was furious.

jargo1

Just Pay Regular Price

Not the worst, but I've done it at the movies a few times. Once during Mad Max Fury Road and again watching the first Jurassic World. One friend insisted in seeing them in 3D. For some reason, when the guitar player in Mad Max came flying off the truck in 3D, I lost my sh*t and could not pull myself together. And I have a pretty loud belly laugh cackle. I unintentionally made a scene in the theater.

Same deal with Jurassic World, when the guy who is talking about weaponizing the velociraptors tries to hold out a hand to calm one down and it starts by eating his arm, then killing him. The 3D in that movie was meh, and this was one of the few times it kind of worked. And again, for some reason, I lost my mind laughing.

We don't go to 3D movies anymore.

esmejones

Unremarkable Excursions

Here's a word of advice: Don't attend a car crash as part of a first date.

Back when I was first trying my hand at online dating, I made plans to meet up with a young woman at a coffee shop near a beach. Like many such doomed-from-the-start affairs, this one began with a lot of small talk, a discussion about the surrounding area, and a couple of allegedly humorous misunderstandings. For a little while, it seemed like it was going to be an unremarkable excursion... but just as as the conversation was actually getting started, we were interrupted by the loud screech, pop, and crunch of a fishtailing car plowing into a nearby tree.

As is wont to happen in such circumstances, many of the café's other customers gathered around to gawk at the scene. Murmurs of speculation rippled through the small crowd as we all watched the car's driver climb out and survey the damage, followed by gasps of shock and alarm as people noticed that her head was bleeding. One of the nearby employees went to call 911, and my date asked if we should try to help the woman. I was about to respond with my agreement, but the words never came out... largely because they were replaced by uproarious laughter.

Please understand, I wasn't making light of the car crash. In fact, at the exact moment that I'd been encouraged to assist, I'd caught sight of something that my brain decided was too funny to ignore: From behind the wreckage, there came an enormous – almost spherical – man riding on a motorized bicycle. He looked to be about fifty, had an expression of intense concentration on his face, and was moving so slowly that it really seemed like he should have toppled over. Each of the man's limbs were frozen in place, statue-like, as the dull whine of the vehicle's motor struggled to inch him forward.

I don't know why I found that so amusing, but I couldn't stop myself from laughing. Tears of mirth clouded my vision, and no matter how hard I tried to restrain myself, I just couldn't stymie my amused outburst. Needless to say, it didn't make the best impression on the girl across the table from me, and I could feel the disapproving stares of the other patrons from all around. I did finally manage to explain what had caused me to break down like I had, but I'm not convinced that the young woman believed me.

We didn't have a second date... but to be honest, I still chuckle to myself when I picture the man on his moped.

RamsesThePigeon

A Simple Mix Up

Oh, man.

I used to work in a call centre, and on each call I had to enquire whether the customer had cavity wall and loft insulation already.

On one call I accidentally asked somebody if they'd had their "caft and lovity woft", immediately bursting into an insane fit of giggles. Thankfully the person on the other end of the phone saw the funny side (honestly just typing that out now I'm having to suppress the giggles) .

I ended the call and had to take a break to let all of the giggles out and compose myself.

Eventually I calmed down enough to make another phone call, and for whatever reason, as soon as the next person answered the phone I burst back into giggles.

The customer was nooottttt impressed. I explained "caft and lovity woft" and apologised to the guy, but he told me how unprofessional it was and that it made my company look bad etc etc. I apologised profusely but still couldn't really stop giggling. He hung up shortly after that.

And tbh, f*ck that guy, because caft and lovity woft is hilarious.

Desert_Rose69

Out Of Context

When I first met my husband's parents they invited some of their extended family out for dinner.

My husband's aunt told me this story:

An elderly man they knew was island hopping in Indonesia and got into a small plane of about ten people. The plane's engine failed (or something like that haha) and it nosedived into the ocean. 9 passengers died, this man they knew was the only surviver and was picked up by a passing boat. He went into hospital where they were sure he was on his deathbed with pneumonia. After a month of being in hospital in a foreign country, his family demanded he be transported back home. After another month in hospital finally he made a recovery and returned home. For his first breakfast back home he asked that it be served on his balcony. He sat down on his chair on the balcony and waited for his breakfast to be served. The balcony "fell off the house and he died."

I think it was the phrasing "fell off the house", combined with nerves at meeting my husband's family for the first time, that made me completely lose my mind. I was wiping away tears. The worst part is that no one else heard the story and when they asked the aunt what was so funny she said "I was just telling her how so and so passed away."

Whoops.

frysgirl

#VoteThemOut

My great grandmothers funeral. She was very loved and there were almost 200 people packed into this funeral home. But we were in good spirits. She was a great woman and wouldn't want us sad. She was very sick anyway so no one was truly shocked she passed.

My uncle was sitting in the front row I was in the second with my aunt (his sister). It was dead silent before the music started to play and I see my uncle look left and right. The front row was all pall bearers. He just turns around and says, "it looks like a Republican national convention up here." I realize it's an entire row of 6 foot average weight 40-60 year old white men all wearing the same suit.

My aunt and I were choking back tears from laughing so hard. Completely couldn't catch my breath.

Made the whole funeral go better.

BloodshotPillow

Whoops, Sorry

There is a neighbor boy that my son and I absolutely hate. I know he's just a kid, but I hate him with a deep, adult hatred.

(I genuinely believe he is a sociopath and has a future of crime and/or douchbaggery ahead of him. He choked my son in front of me, lied about it to me, and then when I talked to his parents about it, they just said "Well that's not what he told us happened, and there's two sides to every story," so you know there's no hope for this kid to be put on the right path.)

Anyway, there was a neighborhood kickball game in my yard one day, and I'm monitoring because this kid showed up and he was constantly cheating and bullying the other kids, and I was waiting for enough to happen to justify kicking him out. I was just standing up to walk over and tell him to leave, because he was trying to claim he tagged a kid with the ball when he hadn't, when my son picked up the ball, fired it at the little *sshole's face with the accuracy of a missile launch, and yelled "Stop cheating, this is why no one likes you!"

The kid's head snapped back hard, and he toppled to the ground. He looked at me, clearly wanting me to dish out some punishment, but I was literally in tears laughing at the little douchebag's comeuppance. I know the right thing to do here, and I did none of it.

macaroniandmilk