Being able to walk away from toxic people is a skill.
Too many of us have wasted too much time in life on people who drag us down.
It's not up to us to change, fix, or better anyone else... especially if it's at our own expense.
I hate to think about the years I spent taking abuse from other people.
Or trying to figure out why some people treated me and the world a certain way.
Redditor VelvetWhitehawk wanted to hear about the ways people have been able to extricate themselves from the wrong people, so they asked:
"People who are immune to a-holes, what's your secret? How are you not disturbed by rude, bossy, stubborn people who refuse to negotiate? How do you work with them, and without getting upset?"
Stay Still
"I become robotic. I give them the bare minimum, in a polite but firm tone. I do not engage in any unnecessary conversation."
"It gets old for them quickly."
- DotCottonCandy
"There’s nothing they can say to hurt me on a personal level. Let them burn out and actually like you because you don’t react."
- Bronc74
jordi baste robot GIF by No pot ser! TV3Giphy
Quiet Please!!
"Keep your voice the same volume as when you started the conversation, don't increase it even by 1% if they start shouting. if they have any sense of shame, they might recognize they're in the wrong. if they completely lack that, then they'll simply look worse in front of other people at least."
- D-Rez
"Hmm, I don't know about this one. I'd assume they'd take the fact that you haven't raised your voice to mean you have no righteous indignation, making them feel they're in the right, and they'll keep shouting."
- pairotechnic
Stop/Breathe
"I’ve worked in healthcare for 15+ years at the bedside. Most people are at least a**hole-ish to an extent when sick. Quite a few are major aholes when their loved one is sick and seemingly not getting better."
"How I ignore their behavior is I stop and stare at them for a moment, take a deep breath, and talk back in an overly calm and monotone voice. When they interrupt I stop talking and breathe. Then once they stop yelling or insulting me again I start my exact sentence over again from the beginning. I do this for about 3-4 times."
"Then if that doesn’t work, I hold my hand up and say something along the lines of 'I know you’re frustrated/angry, but if you keep interrupting me, you will never understand why/what/how to get better/improve.' This works in the real work too."
'Conditioning to not react in an aggressive fashion or walk away is tough. If the above doesn’t work, I commonly turn my back and walk out or away and say, 'We can start the conversation over in a more cordial/nice fashion, or you can leave.'"
- girch7
Matter of Importance
"No one is ever as important as they think they are, and I get to choose who I spend my time on and with."
- kicka**timus
"This is exactly it. Angry projection is usually not fair so it’s important to understand you shouldn’t let yourself take it personally and drop to that level. It will whittle you down to that level over time too, so learn where you stand I guess."
- Esper_5
"Alright that's true in general but have you seen my truck? It's so big you have to tuck the mirrors in when you park it. It's so big it beeps when I back up, as if to say, watch out, I'm important. It's so big when Steven Spielberg walks out of Costco and sees my truck parked across two handy caped spots so no one can park near it he thinks: That guy must be important (comedy rule of 3s)."
- Ok_District2853
Bulletproof
"If you work in customer service long enough you become immune to all kinds of ahole behavior."
- omtheism777
"For sure. I worked in retail for years, then worked as a bartender, then worked in behavioral health."
"I’m bulletproof at this point. Like yea, I have some hot topics like everyone, but for the most part, I cannot bring myself to give a sh*t (let alone let the other person get an ounce of pleasure from it)."
"Typically I just laugh it off. If someone is choosing to be an ahole to me, they’re probably already going through some sh*t. Nine out of ten times I can tell just by looking at them that my life is going significantly better than theirs. Not that I’m saying I’m better than them, just that karma did the heavy lifting way before I came along."
- 0011010100110011
The Best
"A combination of trying to see the good in people... and also trying to avoid people."
- miked4o7
sing schitts creek GIF by CBCGiphy
Emotions
"It’s not personal. It’s their own s**t making them act that way. Why should I carry the burden of their dysregulated emotions?
- beeksy
"This is my take on it. I've been in Corporate America for 30 years now and have dealt with my share of a**holes. 99% of the time, it's about them and not about me. Makes it easier to deal with it. I've also realized that some people are happiest when they are miserable and it doesn't mean that I have to be miserable too. I'm also really grateful I'm not one of those people. I can't imagine going through life that way."
- Pascale73
Feelings Hooked
"'You got some big feelings going on there, buddy?'"
- TheNordicLion
"I worked in construction, and when one of the guys would be an a**hole for little or no reason, one of us would ask him if he wanted to go hang his feelings up. We had a coat hook on the outside of the GC trailer that we called the feelings hook. When I was managing guys, if they kept acting up after I said something, I'd make them walk over to the 'feelings hook' and tell them not to come back until their feelings stayed there."
- Cat_tophat365247
Man in the Mirror
"Ironically, the solution is empathy and compassion. I'm fortunate to be at a stage where I'm happy in life. I'm confident in who I am, the work I do, my health/appearance, and what I enjoy doing outside of work and with family."
"The first thing to understand about aholes is that 9 times out of 10, they are fundamentally unhappy. Now, is projecting that dissatisfaction onto everyone around them a healthy way of dealing with it? Of course not. But likely they're in so deep that they can't even recognize that's what they're doing."
"I can only control my own actions and perspectives, and that's not who I want to be. If I've genuinely made a mistake, I'll own up. But if they're just being rude and unreasonable, why would I take it personally when I know their behavior is ultimately just a reflection of themselves?"
- Rebokitive
"I was sitting here trying to figure out the best way to put it, and you nailed it. If you're comfortable with who you are, what you're about, and what you can actually change in life, the world is your happiness oyster. When someone is in a bad mood and being a jacka**, there is no saying the right combination of words or any amount of logic you throw at them that will make them say, ‘Hey actually you might be right, I was being a little c**ty right then.’"
"Just have empathy for them as a fellow human who might be going through something, a lot of the time it’s being genuinely nice that will make people kind of step back and reflect on their behavior. In my experience, this is at least."
- GenuineBonafried
Small Minds
"I don’t take obnoxious a**holes seriously. In the event of someone acting like an a**hole, it tells me that they cannot grasp basic understanding and believe everyone around them will placate to their thoughts/feelings/wants/desires. To me, this is pathetic, weak, and small-minded. I don’t always act like an a**hole to an a**hole. If this were the case, the a**hole in question would still have power over you, which is the a**hole's whole objective."
"The a**hole yearns to lord themselves over other people, bully them, as a means of power and control. I strive to be unchanging and unaffected. Not treating them with kindness, but blatant indifference. Sometimes I think the a**hole is so pathetic, it’s funny. They are small-minded people. Allow yourself to be humored by them."
Remain Quiet
"When I hear somebody say something stupid, I pensively look at them, remain quiet, ignore them for a moment, and completely and totally ignore what they said and go on with my moment and day. That really gets to them lol!"
- LeCourougejuive
"Ooh yeah, making them feel stupidity and shame is a go-to tactic that I love as well. A good eyes-locked head shakes into ignore mode is chef's kiss."
- BIGG_FRIGG
Well Done Ok GIF by funkGiphy
CONTROL
"There are two secrets to life, my friend, just two. Master them and you will be happy and successful."
"The first is simple: Be On Time. There is a hypothesis that says late people are late because they are exerting power and control over a situation. When someone is late, it impacts everyone and disrupts everything, and the late person is the center of (bad) attention. Just don't be late."
"The second is infinitely harder: Control Your Reaction. You are the master of your universe and your reality is how you interact with it. If you give others the power to upset you, you've become their plaything. If someone has a suggestion on how to do your job better, what does it hurt to listen? Someone yells at you? Pity them - they've lost control."
"Be On Time and Control Your Reaction. Two concepts, six words. That's it."
- I_Want_an_Elio
Better Humans
"I spent almost 35 years of my life sheepish and afraid. I spent afternoons in trash cans and I spent mornings slinking around school hallways watching for bullies."
"Later, I had the intelligence and the job and the resultant money but that meant nothing when being pushed around by others. I got into the gym and learned to love the skin I was in, which helped me love myself. Then it all just clicked."
"I’m still occasionally intimidated by people, but by and large, I just came to the understanding that the more someone tries to be 'an alpha male,' the less of a man they are. Because someone can whip your 2ss only makes them 'the better man' in that moment… it means nothing before and after. So learning to de-escalate and not take things personally pretty much solves every potential issue."
"There are better humans than me. I envy the theoretical physicists and the self-made millionaires and the bodybuilders. But that’s okay. I’m not the best at anything, but as long as I am the best version of myself, no one can take that from me."
- tr0n42
That's Life
"A few things. Understand people are people, we’ve all got our a**hole sides or a-hole moments. And that’s alright. If their entire personality is that way all the time, the best thing I like to do is smile and joke and use body language to let them know they can f*Ck right off with their sh*Tty self. Not gonna make my day bad."
"At the same time, you gotta sometimes work or network with people like that. Sometimes, they even live with them. It sucks. But it’s life. The key is always to look for something to smile or laugh about. Sometimes that’s how horrible they are."
- Hadrian_06
A Coin Flip
"Hanlon's razor. Never attribute to malice what could be attributed to stupidity/ignorance."
"It's amazing how much better you feel when you decide sometimes people just don't know any better."
- Discount_Lex_Luthor
Two Face Ernst GIF by ZWEIMANNGiphy
Seen it All
"I have seen and heard my share of s**t. I've mastered the art of dissociation, I can hear and understand everything coming out of their mouth. I can respond to them. But mentally I've numbed myself. Hell, I can even do the trick where I relax that weird eye muscle causing me to see blurry, even though I have my glasses on."
- NmlsFool
We need to focus on ourselves first.
Then we realize what sort of behavior we will or will not tolerate.
All of these a-holes will never change if we enable them or continue to be their victims.
Let them be and move on.
If only it were that easy.
At least we know it's doable.
@KharayKrayKray/X
