Parents With Estranged Adult Children Explain What Went Wrong

Personal Issues

"I was very deep in resolving my own trauma when my kids were growing up. I was often distant and emotionally unavailable."

"I wasn’t the parent they deserved. It is the greatest sorrow of my life; I did to my kids what my mom did to me."

"I can’t be sorry enough."

~ Interesting-Ant-5163

New Family

"From the other parent's perspective, my adult children (25 and 23) do not communicate with their father at all."

"Long story short, he remarried about a week after our divorce was final and he and his new wife went on to have children of their own. Over time, his visits with the children because more infrequent and stressful due to his wife's distaste for me and my children."

"He has had no contact with the kids in over 3 years and his previous attempt was 4 years before that."

"My youngest says he will never forgive his father for replacing us all with a new family and forgetting us. The oldest says it's just not worth chasing someone who has no interest."

"Personally, I'm sad and angry on their behalf. He divorced me, not them."

"I want to say, the amount of people who say they've experienced this same issue astounds me, and breaks my heart."

"I just do not understand a parent who can walk away from their child(ren). Even when it's been hard and I've had to be both Mom and Dad, I wouldn't trade my kids for anything."

~ geminiloveca

Substance Abuse

"Mom here. My 23-year-old hasn't spoken to me in four years. It was completely my fault."

"I've struggled with addiction (alcohol) and for most of her childhood I was bad. I hope to be able to apologize to her someday."

"But, I completely understand and respect her decision."

~ Prudent_Blueberry_23

"My step daughter is an addict and mentally ill. Her son was placed in our custody by the state three years ago at 13 months old and she has never made the effort to regain custody."

"Her rights were terminated last year and we adopted him last month when the state gave us the choice."

"She has hated us ever since he was placed here and has convinced herself that we stole her child."

"She only contacted my husband if she wanted money, which he won't give her so that makes her hate us more."

~ True_Let_8993

"My daughter went through a traumatic event when she found out her Mom was having an affair with a junkie. Daughter was furious at her Mom for destroying the family."

"Mom flipped out, threatened [to hurt herself] to our daughter’s face, blaming her. At that moment, everything shifted and daughter became the nurturer to her Mom, who regressed into childhood—a complete switching of roles when my daughter really needed a Mom.

"Mom wasn’t safe to be angry at (for fear she’d hurt herself), so I became the target."

"We talk, but it’s so terse and superficial that it’s close to non-communication. I’d like to talk through what happened, even in a therapeutic setting, but daughter says that’s off the table."

~ Utterlybored

"It’s very common for the kids to seek affection more from the abusive parent, who does not give it freely. It’s also common for the non-abusive parent to get all the deflected emotions that the abusive parent has trained the children not to point their way."

~ AbsentGlare

"The safe person always becomes the punching bag. Happens in any kind of relationship."

~ TeutonJon78

Narcissists

"There's a woman at church and every week she asks for prayers during prayer requests. At first I thought it was kinda cute but it's over a year later and she always asks for prayers that her children will speak with her again."

"She claims to have been the best mother and, one-by-one, all three of her adult children and thus her grandchildren stopped speaking with her. But she did everything right—she fed them, she clothed them, she put them through school.

"Which to me sounds like the bare minimum that you're supposed to do as a parent and not 'everything', but OK."

"I gave her the benefit of the doubt but then, every week, another piece of the puzzle would come out."

"She tried calling but her numbers blocked. She tried to find them on social media but she's blocked."

"How strange—she says she was such an excellent mother, why would they block her?"

"She tried reaching out again and received a handwritten letter on why she should never contact them again, but we never heard the contents of the letter."

"We were just supposed to pity her and have sympathy and assume that these entire separate groups of people were evil and were doing her emotional harm."

"I got to know her and she is an abusive narcissist and nothing short of pure evil. All the red flags you'd expect are there. But, every week it's pray to Jesus for me everybody, my evil ungrateful children, blah, blah, blah."

"I'd like to hope she is just clueless but I understand she is sick and probably doesn't know how horrible she really is. I feel very, very bad for her kids but very happy they were strong enough to break away from that hot mess."

"It almost brings me physical pain now when she asks for prayers that her kids will talk to her again, because I know all she wants to do is resume hurting them."

~ OregonHighSpores

"Probably my mom. Tell Susan I said 'Hi'."

"Or don’t actually. You should probably go no contact also before she wrecks your life, too. "

~ caseofthef'karounds

"I’m lucky. Both my adult children call me multiple times a week. But my ex (their father) complains that our daughter rarely calls him."

"I’ve told him many, many times that if he wanted her to call more often he needs to listen to her."

"He’s a pretty narcissistic dude who only wants to talk and if he takes a breath and you try to jump into the conversation, he either gets louder to drown you out or he goes dead silent, clearly in his 'waiting until you shut up so I can talk' mode."

"He never asks questions or expresses any interest in their lives."

"My son puts up with it because he can direct some of the conversation by bringing up sports or interesting historical stuff or books or whatever and then they can have somewhat of a discourse (although listening to the inevitable droning lecture is always included)."

"My daughter has little patience for that so she rarely calls him. Even after I told him what he should try, he ignores me, which is what he did for nearly the entirety of our marriage."

"He still periodically bemoans the fact that she doesn’t call."

~ Big-Summer-

"My mother told me, three weeks after I lost my father/best friend at fourteen, that he told her on his deathbed that 'Adopting me was his greatest mistake'."

"It stuck with me my whole life. I'm 38, and now know it wasn't true. But that narcissistic b*tch can rot in Hell."

~ Willing-Survey7448

"I think my Uncle would say it's because his sons were brainwashed by their wives."

"The truth is, I think my cousins didn't see that my Uncle's (diagnosed) narcissism wasn't normal, because they were raised by him."

"Their wives, as outsiders, pointed this out to them for the first time and they made their decision from there."

~ jademenagerie

Unavailable

"[I'm the] parent. It’s because I f'ked up and neglected the relationship."

"I wasn’t the father she deserved. It’s that simple."

"I came from an abusive, chaotic household. My father never once said he loved me. I said I would be different. Although I love her, my actions did not reflect it.

"Throughout her childhood, I can remember so many times that I had the chance to demonstrate my feelings. I had the chance to make moments into impactful teaching moments and core memories for her."

"Looking back, it’s not that I missed those chances. I NEVER TOOK THE SHOT. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. I have told myself that I have failed at many things in life, but that I am not a failure."

"I can’t lie to myself here. As a father, I failed. It hurts, but I know it’s nothing compared to the hurt and damage I’ve caused to her. I put her on what could be a long road, an uphill battle to learn to love herself."

"I hope she’s stronger than I was and never feels that she wasn’t good enough for me to love her. I wasn’t good enough of a man to be her father. I didn’t deserve her."

"She really was a good kid despite the pain I know she lived with. I can’t tell her I’m sorry. She’s an adult now and has gone no contact."

"I lost her. This is the one true failure I will have to live with. And die with."

~ UltraBunnyBoostST

"I'm going to pretend my Dad wrote this and accept that him ignoring me, my daughter, my husband, and our life we've made, is really that simple."

"He neglected the relationship. He's not the father I deserve."

~ weberster

"You don't need to hear him say it to know it's true. If your dad wasn't there for you and wasn't the father you deserve, that's on him."

"It hurts you too, but it's not your fault and had nothing to do with you."

~ fuqqkevindurant

Untreated Disorders

"My children are low contact. I feel it's fair. Their mother has Bi-Polar Disorder."

"She was violent and abusive. She has gotten help since then but she still hurt them in the past."

"I did not protect them. Them not being around me is justified. They should be angry."

"We f'ked up. They didn't do anything wrong and they need to heal as they see fit."

"Kids not being around their parents have valid reasons. Most people just can't accept it."

~ AcademicPin8777

"I had PTSD and didn't deal with it. In short I was a sh*tty dad."

~ legl0ckholmes

"Not sure how many people understand PTSD, even those of us that have it. You look normal, no one can really tell you are emotionally/mentally screwed up."

"It's very unpredictable and unpredictable can be rough on kids. I yelled too much and have worked hard to stop."

"Hope you aren't in a blame cycle and have forgiveness for yourself. It's hard."

~ Desslock73

"I am a parent of a child—daughter—who does still talk to me but rarely and I fully accept that it is my fault."

"I was an immature parent and made some bad decisions in addition to being inconsistent with my parenting due to immaturity."

"I am also on the spectrum but that’s something I didn’t find out until a few years ago when my son was diagnosed."

"I know I wasn’t great and I understand my daughter and I try to give her space."

~ RTrinitoneBlast

Religion

"A cousin’s parents fired him from their very successful family business because he refused to take his wife and children to their church and worship the way they did. In retaliation he and his wife refused to allow his parents to see the grandchildren."

"They sued. They lost. They never were able to see their grandchildren and eventually died."

"He ended up with the business anyway by default, not by the will. They lost decades of grandchildren just by being stubborn."

"Nobody in the family had anything to do with them the last 35 years of their lives and they were miserable."

"Parents, if you f'k over your children don't expect to every have your grandchildren."

~ HixsonHank

"Child here and I just want to say, huge props to the parents taking accountability."

"I wonder if mine will ever do the same."

~ SKmaric

Redditor Fivepurplehoodies provided sound advice for parents.

"Just love and respect your kids. Do your best."

"Admit that you sometimes miss the mark, even if you had the best intentions."

"Don’t invalidate your kids’ experiences."

"That’s it. That’s all."

That's good advice for all family relationships.

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If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 by phone or text or via chat on their website: https://988lifeline.org/

To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/