We've all had moments where we say something we regret.
But occasionally, people aren't sure whether what they've said is worth apologizing over.
Reddit user not-trying-to-be-pas is in that very situation. After being told a story by his girlfriend, he responded with an air of judgement that offended her.
Now, he's trying to figure out whether he's done anything wrong.
He visited the popular subReddit "Am I The A**hole?" (AITA) where anonymous internet users were asked to assign guilt by declaring:
NTA - Not The A**hole
YTA - You're The A**hole
ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
NAH - No A**holes Here
The Original Poster (OP) titled his story "AITA for saying 'what did she expect' when my girlfriend told me her best friend's affair partner has vanished into thin air when she told him she was pregnant?"
"I've been with my girlfriend coming up to 1 year now. Her best friend has been having a 3 month affair with a married man. She knows he is married."
"She found out she was pregnant a month back and he has completely disappeared into thin air. He has blocked or deleted her from tinder and she never got his real name (they both went by aliases) and now she is desperately searching for him on Facebook but nothing even in the ballpark has come up."
"The guy offered her abortion money and offered to go with her. She refused because she has a 3 y/o and she wants a sibling for her baby."
"I can't say I didn't see him disappearing. He's a piece of shit coward for having an affair in the first place and so of course he's gonna abscond from a pregnancy from his side chick too. From my perspective it's fairly obvious he was using my girlfriend's friend and she should have either known that or have been prepared to deal with the consequences."
"My girlfriend is very worried about her friend and keeps talking to me about it and asking what I think even though I've made it clear I don't approve of either of their trashy behavior. I told her 'well what did she expect?' She keeps asking me if I think 'as a man' is it possible he will come back. I said hell no. Sometimes especially within the context of a couple talking let's be frank we won't always be politically correct."
"She flipped her sh*t and said that my attitude towards her pregnant friend is misogynistic and I'm being heartless. I don't think I am and I feel I'm allowed to have an obvious opinion such as that."
There were some on Reddit who agreed with OP.
"NTA it doesn't take a man to see that he's not coming back. What did she expect him to do? Leave his partner for her when they didn't even tell each other their actual names? I think him offering to pay for an abortion was a clear not very subtle hint that he wants nothing to do with a child and in extension her if she has the child." -moonydark
Others thought OP's girlfriend should have been expecting his truthful answer.
She asked what he thought this married man would do after all.
"Just jumping on this to address GF calling OP misogynistic. When we (women) ask men for their opinion of women/what a man might do/think in a situation involving a woman, you should expect to hear things that you will not like, and may even be misogynistic. Because that's just the way some people think."
"Your GF went into that conversation expecting you to say that the married man just needed some breathing room/time to think, and he'll come back eventually to help raise the baby - either newly divorced, or in a very strained marriage. You're NTA." -ladyatlanta
Who goes to Tinder for a baby?
"I am a woman and can see clearly he offered to pay for an abortion, when she declined he ghosted. He. Didn't. Want. A. Baby. Nobody gets on Tinder with an alias to find the mother of their child. Seems wicked obvious to me." -Theo_tokos
At the end of the day, two people cheating outside a marriage are the pair to blame.
"NTA - Both the cheaters are the assholes. If she's serious about finding him hire a private detector track him down. That way she can get child support. I wouldn't expect any other engagement from him as he's probably hoping his wife never has to find out." -StarfoxXSS
It would have been truly shocking if this father had stepped up.
"NTA cold but truthful. Sounds like she was a bit naive. People don't use aliases to cover themselves but then magically come to the light when there's a pregnancy." -museisnotyours
There were some who were concerned about OP's girlfriend's behavior.
"NTA. And I find the fact your girlfriend said you were being misogynistic troubling. Almost as if she views holding adult women accountable for their actions as offensive or incorrect. Definitely a red flag on your GF OP."
"And that's before mentioning she clearly knew her friend was sleeping with a married man and didn't talk her out of it/talk sense into her. She didn't care that her friend was essentially a homewrecker. And is expecting you to feel sorry that her scummy friend got ghosted by the man she was the mistress of?? She needs to imagine if her friend was instead sleeping with you how she would have felt."
"But yeah, she (The woman sleeping with a married man) 100% should have known better, and is imo deserving of it, considering she knew he was married the whole time." -Trusty-Tanuki
The girlfriend's perspective wasn't a wild one, however.
"Imo the misogyny part would be OP's gf thinking that the baby should be equal responsibility of both the friend and the cheater, and the OP saying no man would come back to her seems like in general he thinks it's okay for a guy to bail out and the baby isn't the man's responsibility."
"Which is absolutely ridiculous given the context. Especially from the perspective of a married cheater who used an alias to have unprotected sex with his mistress. You can't expect proper behavior from somebody like that. She just took away all the context and made an unfair generalization, and is victimizing her friend who knew what she was doing the whole time. If you choose to hang out with a leopard and it eats your face should you really be surprised?" -K0ntrary
Of course, OP was hardly tiptoeing around the issue.
"Not tactful but not wrong. That dude is gone forever. She should definitely abort before it's too late. If you guys need to be cruel to make her realize it then she'll be better for it. Also, their behavior was straight trashy. Idk who fools around with someone for 3 months and doesn't even get their name." -xxmarzblackxx
At the end of the day, Reddit seemed firmly on the boyfriend's side.
"NTA, woman here and you don't need to "be a man" to see the burning truth in this situation. I also think if your girlfriend is blindly defending her friends "right" to find this man within this context she is being very unreasonable."
"I don't find your response misogynistic at all, nor did you butt your way into the conversation and declare your opinion - you were very clearly asked. Personally I think it always feels like a trap when someone gets questioned about their opinion "as a woman" or "as a man" on a personal subject that has nothing to do with them...then it's like if you give an answer they don't like you're blamed not just for your personal opinion but being ignorant/insensitive BECAUSE of your gender."
"It's a sh*tty situation but it's two adults who consented to an anonymous affair...the only victims here are those children (and the man's existing family) unless the mother eventually takes responsibility for her very voluntary choices." -tidal_dragon
In most situations, honesty is the best policy...even if the truth is something people don't want to hear.
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