Whenever we attend a wedding or even see a couple who's been together for a long time, we might be inclined to assume that they'll be able to go the distance and live happily ever after.
But unfortunately, some relationships are not meant to last. Couples counselors and therapists believe that there are some things that couples can do to significantly improve their chances, though.
Taking notes, Redditor SheenaAquaticBird asked:
"Couples therapists of Reddit, what's a sure sign that a couple is going to work out?"
Someone Else's Dream
"The plans they have for the future are plans of being together, not fights over whose dream they are going to live."
- ThreeLivesInOne
"My soon-to-be ex-wife has been solely focused on her career and dream for the past 15 years. Everything she does is to further her career."
"And I’ve accepted that our relationship was her fourth priority after her career, our kids, and her parents. But all her frustrations and resentments were focused on me."
"I finally realized one day I couldn’t live someone else’s dream anymore, and we're now separated."
- Waderriffic
"Oh gods. My guy was planning a route to med school right out the gates from RMT school… eight to 12 years, depending on his specialty… while I was pregnant with twins and had our five-year-old."
"It took us a while to get over that, and honestly, it still bothers me to think about. I get the money is great… or would be great, ten to 15 years from now, when the kids are all grown up and you’ve missed pretty much all of it."
"He was so adamant about it and talked so passionately about it… with zero thought to our lives. Gosh. What a terrible time."
- sekirankai_6
Remembering The Love
"They remember why they fell in love in the first place. When I ask them to tell me something they love about their partner, the successful couples light up immediately."
- DesirableDarling
"My ex-husband and I are now divorced, but even at the end, when we'd decided that we needed to divorce, we could still explain why we fell in love and what we liked about one another. We liked each other well enough, we just had some irreconcilable differences that were making us pretty miserable."
"We've stayed friends. He's now remarried, and I've been dating someone for almost a year. We were both up front with our partners about being friends and communicating often, and both of our partners understood. We never hated each other, we just grew into different people and couldn't function as a couple anymore."
- Humble-Grumble
Mental And Emotional Flexibility
"Being flexible is the main factor, in my opinion. Because it is impossible to be compatible with someone 100%, therefore, if both sides aren't willing to collaborate, then it doesn't matter how they love each other; it will end sooner or later."
"I have seen that a lot, and I can tell from the first or second session with my clients if the relationship will work out or not."
- Acrobatic-Olive3754
"I totally agree with you. I'd also add that communication plays a key role in whether a relationship succeeds or fails. Like you said, it's impossible to be 100% compatible with someone, but if there's good communication, where both people can come to agreements, the relationship can definitely work."
- Sad-Membership-5037
Love Yourself First
"Not a therapist, but I can report that we had a marriage counselor who told us we were both too messed up to make much progress on the relationship. She advised that we stay together while working on our separate issues, because couples that want to break up don't keep coming to the marriage counselor as long as we did."
"She was right. We spent a decade working on ourselves with professional help. The relationship was still a horrid mess, but we got to where we could try again with a new counselor. It worked. We are happier now, both separately and as a couple, than we have been since before we were married over 25 years ago."
- Groundskeeprr
Bidding For Attention
"Bids for attention. Studies show this is one of the greatest predictors of a relationship lasting. It seems so simple and inconsequential, but isn’t it always the little things that matter most?"
"When you see a funny TikTok and want to show them, are they interested? When they talk about their day, do you get curious and ask questions? When you’ve had a big day and flop on the couch with a big sigh, do they ask you what’s going on?"
"It can be as small as a laugh while looking out the window, or as big as booger-crying on the couch."
"The big question is: DO YOU BOTH RESPOND TO BIDS FOR ATTENTION FROM YOUR PARTNER?"
"The more consistently you both respond, the more likely you are to make it for the long haul."
"With awareness comes growth. You might both be really bad at these things, but genuinely love each other. The more you show up for each other in the little ways, the more intimate and in love you both will feel."
- Majestic-Rhino
Responding To Complaints
"I have some training in couples therapy, but don’t do it regularly, so take this with a grain of salt: one green flag is when both partners can pick up on the context of each other’s complaints and respond to the other party through that contextual understanding."
"An example might be: Wife complains about the husband not taking out the garbage on time that morning. Husband’s response is not about the specific incident of taking out the garbage, but about the wife’s general views or values surrounding timelines, and how their visions of this might differ. It then allows a deeper conversation about their underlying values, and where there may be some common ground."
"If the husband gets defensive and talks about, 'Well, I was busy that day, I had to get to work,' or 'Well, you don’t empty the dishwasher on time, either,' there are more serious issues at play."
- Pdawnm
Self-Awareness And Accountability
"I work with couples. I’ll name two:
"Each partner having self awareness of how they are showing up emotionally in the relationship."
"And a willingness to change the behavior(s) that are showing up regardless of whether their partner changes (essentially not making it conditional)."
- Haunting-Juice-4657
All Good Signs
"Honestly, the one foolproof sign is when they stop keeping score. They genuinely apologize (I’m sorry) before they even think about who’s winning the fight."
"They can still laugh together in the middle of a heated debate."
"They call themselves a ‘team’ and actually mean it."
"They’re more interested in ‘how do we fix this?’ than ‘whose fault is it?’"
"And yes, they still get butterflies when they see each other."
"If they can master those, you’ve got yourself a long-haul couple."
- GeraltOR
The Little Things
"While I’m not a therapist, there are some things I’ve consistently noticed in successful marriages."
"My grandparents, for example, have been married for roughly 50 years. My grandpa will do small acts of kindness for my grandma, like picking flowers from his garden for her or randomly telling her he loves her. I can’t describe how exactly, but you can just tell that he absolutely adores her."
"It’s the small stuff that matters most in a relationship. You could go all out and buy your partner a car as a surprise (as nice as that would be), or you could make them their favorite meal, or give them alone time when they need it."
"Of course, it’s still good to go all out every so often. But it gets old if everything you do for your partner is big and flashy."
- H33_T33
Body Language Tells A Story
"I worked as an office manager for a group of LCPC/LCSW/Psychologists who had about 25 percent of their clients for marriage counseling. You could see just by their demeanor and behavior in the waiting room which marriages had hope and which were doomed."
"Specifically, what I noticed was that when one party was reluctant to be there while the other one was hopeful, they would leave with this air of toxicity and wouldn't return for a second or third session. When I saw two people both wanting to be there, they would return and almost seem closer for the experience."
"Honestly, it was almost a gut instinct based on demeanor."
- Jaze89
Constructive Conversations
"I’m not a therapist, but from what I’ve read and seen, a huge green flag is how couples handle conflict. If they fight fairly, meaning they still show respect even when they’re mad, avoid name-calling or belittling, and genuinely listen to each other. That’s a huge sign they’ll last. Couples who can disagree without destroying each other’s dignity usually have a strong foundation."
"Another sure sign is that they can still be friends underneath the romance. You see them joke around, support each other’s dreams, and genuinely like each other as people, not just as partners. That kind of friendship and respect seems to predict a really solid relationship."
- Key-Championship3493
Big, Separate Decisions
"Not a therapist, but from looking at what marriages break up, I have noticed one pattern/group. The couples who do not discuss or make big decisions together, like buying a house, switching careers, starting companies, etc."
"Whenever you meet that couple, you sense it's not equal in terms of decision power, nor do they talk about these decisions together. Basically, not a partnership, but cohabitation."
- zesty_green-lemon
Something To Share
"They have a common hobby. It means their tastes are similar, and they can help and support each other in that hobby, whether it's MMORPG or going to the gym."
- beamerpork
"I agree with this. I'm not saying you have to be identical, but having something that you can both do together really builds positive common experiences. Plus, hobbies can reflect your values and social circles, and even charitable contributions."
"I have a friend who absolutely loves football, and his wife thinks it's a stupid waste of time. Welllll... that's an awful lot of disconnect on a sizeable portion of the year."
- abqkat
Positive Interactions
"I'm not a couples therapist, but I think maintaining mutual curiosity is key, and accepting considerably more bids for connection than you turn down."
"For example, a couple is in a waiting room together (let's say for an important financial meeting) and one goes to the window and says, 'Oh, look at that bird!' If the other rolls their eyes and reacts poorly, that's not too good."
"But if they can set aside what's on their mind and respond positively and with interest (because they see their partner's curiosity/excitement), that's probably a close to sure sign that they will work out. Such small moments can be so telling."
"Of course, things can get difficult for one or the other people, but in the long-term, I think these small moments are the best litmus test of how a couple is doing."
- Pengniferous
Recurring Patterns
"I’m a therapist, and I see five or so couples at a time. I can’t say there’s a sure sign a couple will work out. Relationships are ever-changing, so there's no predicting how we or our partners will change over time."
"But here are a few things that I see which are good predictors:"
"1. Each member of the relationship is accountable and willing to admit faults, rather than always being on the attack. Defensiveness makes it hard to resolve arguments."
"2. Not treating couples therapy like a courtroom. Too many couples act like I’m a judge and they need to make their best argument why they’re right and their partner is wrong."
"3. Looking out for each other. When one starts crying, a sign of empathy is really important. A hand on the shoulder, an acknowledgement of pain. Once you can listen to your partner cry without caring, you’re not really a couple anymore in my eyes."
"4. Respect. Respect is the first thing to go in a relationship. I encourage every couple I see to recapture the respect they had on their first date. You shouldn’t feel comfortable calling each other names or cursing."
"The list is endless."
- MidnightFridgeLight
It's hard to know for sure what could lead to a lasting partnership, but it's important to remain interested in your partner, keep dating your partner, and of course, keep being friends with your partner.
If you can respect and be interested in them, and look at obstacles as a team, that all seems pretty promising.
