You've probably heard that conservatives are having a meltdown because—gasp!—PUERTO RICAN star Bad Bunny is headlining the Super Bowl halftime show. Won't someone think of the children?!
Well, the sociopaths at Turning Point USA apparently have, though not in the way conservatives are usually caterwauling about.
They recently announced the headliner for their alternative conservative halftime show titled the "All-American Halftime Show," and they couldn't have made a more on-brand choice.
The big draw for their "family values" halftime show is none other than conservatives' favorite rap-rocker Kid Rock, who apparently has a deep and abiding love for pedophilia according to some of his own lyrics. Neat!
Hopefully Kid Rock opens with this one, you'll be there right JD? pic.twitter.com/c9rFeGxJiz
— BoboBowe697(PARODY) (@BoboBowe_697) February 4, 2026
If you've been following the saga of the Epstein files, you'll have noted that the political movement that has spent the past decade vowing to root out the global pedophile ring supposedly run by Democrats has virtually nothing to say about said pedophile ring now that it turns out it was run largely by Republicans, including those currently in office.
So what more perfect choice to headline their weird halftime show than a Trump-loving redneck "icon" who once sang about how "statutory" rape of "underage" girls is a "mandatory" part of his all-American lifestyle!
The uproar began when JD Vance shared the show's line-up "including the great Bob Ritchie AKA KID ROCK," the Michigan-born son of wealthy car dealership magnate Bill Ritchie who has been cosplaying as a cowboy redneck for an adoring public of gullible bigots for the last 30 years.
Amid the announcement, people immediately seized on some of Ritchie's most disgusting lyrics, notably those from his 2001 "hit" "Cool, Daddy, Cool," which includes this bit of poetry:
"Young ladies, young ladies, I like ‘em underage, see"
"Some say that’s statutory, but I say it’s mandatory."
Heck yeah, nothing says "All-American" like bragging about loving to rape children!
Oh and speaking of children, here's another fun fact: This reprehensible song was included on the soundtrack of the CHILDREN'S ANIMATED FILM Osmosis Jones.
But Ritchie's vile lyrics weren't the only moment people online dug up.
There was also the time he went on SNL and talked about wanting to have sex with Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen in 2001, when the twins were just 15 years old.
In that charming sketch, Ritchie questioned why there was any need to wait until the Olsen twins turned 18 to have sex with them since they already presumably had pubic hair.
Kid Rock "joked":
"Why is every guy in America waiting for these chicks to turn 18? I mean, you know what I’m saying? If there’s grass on the field, play ball!"
Hilarious. Also hats off to the SNL staffers who let that joke go to air. Great job, everyone!
Suffice to say, the conservative Jesus lovers' halftime line-up hasn't gone over very well with anyone with even a shred of moral decency.
Anyway, here's your reminder that the Epstein files contain incredibly graphic references to not just child rape, but also torture and murder, and feature President of "Real America" Donald Trump's name more than 38,000 times. Happy Super Bowl!
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