When looking for love, people go through their checklist of what does or doesn't work for them to ensure they can commit themselves to a prospective partner for the long haul.
But until you're in different relationships, you don't know what irks you enough to reconsider if you've found your match.
Curious to hear from experienced male suitors about what works for them when seeking committed relationships, Redditor GerrardSlippedHahaha asked:
"Guys, what's a deal-breaker for you when looking for a long term partner?"
Lying was the number one offense.
Being Untruthful
"Substantive dishonesty. Seen this happen too consistently."
"Someone who lies about something big once they've reached the 'get to know you' stage almost always is a world of hurt."
– NotAnotherEmpire
"Impossible to trust someone who refuses to acknowledge reality. The only thing more corrosive to a relationship than dishonesty is contempt."
– glitterydick
A Good Barometer For Lying
"I think 'something big' isn't even necessary, if it's constant small things that's worse IMO."
"With one big thing it's at least understandable that there's a legitimate problem with how or when to bring it up, and as long as it's not kept up forever, it's alright to need to build up some courage/trust... to an extent (Yes, it's manipulative to wait for someone to be fully committed to let out the big whatthef'kness, but as long as that's not a deliberate part of the plan, it's forgivable)."
"But when someone keeps bullsh**ting about harmless or minor things (Evasiveness, making excuses rather than saying what's going on, straight-up lies about what would be complete non-issues without the lying) when there really is no reason to, that means that no issue can ever really be addressed or solved, and you can't trust her with anything substantial either."
"It's understandable to falter in the big things every once in a while, but the small, everyday things really need to get sorted."
– Flamin_Jesus
Denying someone of adoration was also frowned upon.
Need To Feel Loved
"Lack of affection."
– --Socks--
"This is absolutely correct."
"I’ve had platonic female friends treat me with more affection than my girlfriend did at one time. It sucked."
– GTOdriver04
"Withholding affection as a form of punishment."
"Or to kick off the 'Guess Why I'm Mad At You' Game."
– Rob_LeMatic
"Someone who acts more like a roommate than a relationship partner. It doesn't even have to mean sex. Some relationships end up with one partner basically distancing themselves from the other. They love together, maybe they're still best friends, but they don't show any emotional or physical affection."
– anormalgeek
Immature partners are a huge turnoff.
Refusing To Take Responsibility
"Lack of accountability. It's always someone else's fault."
– Young_Old_Grandma
"In the same vein, someone that don’t say « sorry ». I know I have been told that I sometimes says it too much but on the other spectrum those people that never says it is very tiring."
– Sansnom01
Assessing Emotions
"A partner has to have the emotional intelligence to be able to understand why they are feeling what they are feeling and they have to be able to communicate effectively."
"It's the worst feeling in the world to have someone expect you to read their mind and then absolutely rake you over the coals when you can't."
"I got really lucky in that my wife is extremely good at both of those things. But I've watched so many relationships fail because of it, and I've had many friendships fail because of it."
– dinklesmith7
Communication Is Key
"Someone who can't communicate properly. As an adult, you bring issues to other adults maturely and clearly. If someone comes screaming at me about how there are water droplets rusting the sink, nah. They can get out and I'm moving on."
"I just don't have time for childish/dramatic people."
– The_Big_Green_Fridge
"I’m starting to realize now in my thirties , based on my experiences… i would I say 90% of the human population at the very least . Are just children in adults bodies . And I would even include myself in that 90%, even tho I consider myself to be more self aware than most ."
– Alexsunshine
Taking And Not Giving
"Asking a lot of personal questions but not sharing a similar amount of stuff about herself. My last romantic interest made me feel like we were on the same page about everything, but she always held back a little when things got personal."
"In the end it turned out that she was manipulating me from the start and she used all the stuff I told her about my past and insecurities, my hopes and my dreams to get the attention she craved, and then she dumped me when she was done playing with her new little toy."
"She also taught me another thing that is now a major red flag to me, and a potential deal-breaker: if a potential partner at any point says that she is a horrible person who uses people or something similarly awful, I will walk away."
"Because the woman I just mentioned did, in fact, warn me. I just didn't believe her because she acted so incredibly nice. If a person tells you what they're like, you believe them."
– NMe84
Putting On The Act
"Weaponized incompetence. I have no tolerance for people who act like they can't do something or won't be bothered to try to figure something out."
"If you are struggling with something I will happily help you if you ask I will not however help if you do not even attempt to solve the problem yourself. I have no desire to ever be in a relationship with someone who looks at me as free labor."
– ArchaeoFox
The gripes get specific.
Belief System
"If they’re extremely religious. Nothing wrong with it but I could never convert or change my beliefs for someone."
– Rare_Pineapple300
"Yeah, same for 'crystals', herbal cures, fortune telling... etc.. I once met a girl that she actually credited every single little thing that happened to her as a 'universe's wish.' And everything had to be a reason with the 'alignment of the planets'. It was boring, cringe."
– agabardo
Living On Phones
"Phone/social media addiction."
– Cultural_Bison_6306
Finances
"Selfish, lazy, unappreciative, disrespectful, no financial goals."
– 022922
"There's a difference between no financial goals and preparing for a good work/life balance. My ex had zero interest in moving out of her parent's place (at 35 years old) and just sat on her part-time paycheck and spent all her time at home doing nothing."
"I'm absolutely more of a work-to-live type of person, but I've made an effort to better my situation and have financial goals that will allow me to have the balance I want. That's what I assume they are talking about."
– CarboniteCopy
I feel uncomfortable around someone who is confrontational to a fault. There's being communicative, and then there's being entitled. I was with a guy who berated service industry workers for something minor. People make mistakes, but you don't have to make them feel small.
The behavior informed me a lot of what I might possibly be on the receiving end of. I'm glad I discovered this tendency early in the dating phase. I peace'd out.
@lpeterp/Bluesky
@FPWellman/X
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