"What happens in the work break room stays in the work break room."
That is a false statement.
Break rooms have cameras. Not to mention, if you strut back into the office with a face full of white powdered, you bring back guilt and proof that you are a dingus.
A man on Reddit recently shared a story of the blow back he faced after taking advantage of all this newfound social-distancing space.
Once a subdued environment of people eating lunch and scrolling on their phones, the break room became an arena when he and his friend decided to horse around like two eight-year-old kids.
But the battle royale left him carrying away some shrapnel. He begins his tale by setting the scene.
His ride into work included picking up necessary rough-housing supplies.
"I was on my way to work and decided to stop at Tim Horton's for some Timbits (donut holes for you Americans, it's our Duncan Donuts up here). I got a mix of my favourites, plain no glaze and raspberry filled with icing sugar."
The donuts would remain out of play until his break, that slice of freedom where professionalism goes to die.
"Time comes for my short break, so I decide to eat some of my Timbits. My co-worker and I usually eat in the second cafeteria now to distance from other people, so we sit a few tables away from each other and try throwing the Timbits to catch in our mouths.
"I missed catching a raspberry Timbit and it hit my upper lip, leaving the white icing sugar all around my nose area too. I wipe off what I thought was all of it, but clearly missed some spots under my nose my and my friend didn't tell me."
Treaty signed and peacetime in effect, he and his buddy adjust their belts and get back to professional business in the office.
To their knowledge, the food fight was a flash in the pan, a secret war.
"We go back to work, and this notorious snitch kept looking at me weirdly and I didn't know why."
"Couple minutes later I get called to the boss' office with no clue why. So I walk down to the office, and two of my supervisors are sitting with the big boss man. They all look PISSED."
Time to face the music, though about what exactly remained unclear.
"I sit down, and they start questioning me about why I've been at work so much more than normal working long hours (I'm a student and my classes are all online now, and I went from working 10-15 hrs. per week to 8-10 per day plus weekends). I tell them about my school being online and I have more time, but they don't look like they're buying it."
This was not what he expected to discuss.
The connection still made no sense, until the bosses confronted him directly.
"Then they get right into it and ask me why I'm doing drugs at work, if I bought it here, and all the legal implications they're going to have to take."
"I'm freaking out, as I don't use any drugs in or out of work."
Well this was a massive escalation.
The narrator was dumbfounded and horrified, until he learned more.
"I ask where this came from as I tell them I don't use anything and would never at work, and one of them hands me a pocket mirror and tells me to look under my nose."
"I start laughing and explaining the Timbit situation in the lunch room. They're not buying it, so they tell me to wait in the room and they all leave."
And in a bizarre twist of fate, the presence of a security camera capturing him and his friend waging a one-on-one food fight at work was a very positive thing for his career.
"They go to watch the security footage, and Lo and behold they see us pelting each other with Timbits, and me getting hit in the face."
"They come back in the room laughing, explaining how they're sorry and that I should clean my nose better, and tell me I can head back to work."
To close the story, this guy illustrates how little the experience taught him about professionalism.
"Up side to this? Got an extra 30 minute break from working."
Reddit comments spanned from blasting the snitch to suggested new opportunities.
First, the snitch-blasting:
"Up-side--local snitch looks like an a** making false accusations." -- Donovon
"Nothing left to do but stab that snitch." -- euphoniou_munk
"Now you should plant some coke on the Snitch's desk." -- arthur_olga
"I hope that snitch gets a huge hit to their credibility with management for embarrassing them." -- PlayedSomeGames
There were also several people who took aim at the narrator's completely ineffective approach to "social distancing."
"Sits in empty cafeteria and on separate tables to social distance. Throws food into each other's mouths." -- AlphaCenter48
" Funny story, but chucking Timbits at each other's face is not social distancing. Get it together dude." -- OogaSplat
"Okay but what's the point of sitting several tables apart if you're going to then transmit things from your hands to each other's mouths repeatedly." -- MermaidZombie
Some called out his bosses' gaps in logic and total unawareness of the ins and outs of illicit drug use.
"If they were smarter they'd realize a drug user wouldn't leave piles of valuable cocaine on the outside of their nose, when it could be on the inside instead." -- SkeletonCrew_
"What sort of coke user let's coke go to waste." -- WetVape
Or perhaps, his bosses had total awareness.
"If they have a pocket mirror they're doing coke too." -- reallyfancypens
And finally, there were those who felt he ought to strike while the iron's hot.
"Congratulations! You can now do drugs with impunity!" -- pdxarchitect
"Tomorrow in the Reddit, 'A guy at my work does coke on the job, we all know but he keeps trying to pass it off as donut icing, what do I do?'" -- thatsortofguy
However the narrator chooses to act after the misunderstanding, he's certain to think of donut holes with more gravity than ever before.
If you're missing donut holes while in isolation, this donut hole maker is available here.
