People Share The Smartest Jokes They've Ever Heard

I don't have anything off the top of my head. Help!

The waiter replies...

"Jean-Paul Sartre sits down in a cafe. The waiter comes over and Sartre says 'I'd like a cup of coffee with no cream, please.' The waiter replies, 'I'm sorry, monsieur, but we are out of cream. How about a cup of coffee with no milk?'"

DiogenesCantPlay

Oh the Farmer...

"A farmer challenges an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician to fence off the largest amount of area using the least amount of fence. The engineer makes his fence in a circle and said it is the most efficient. The physicist makes a long line and says that the length is infinite, and that fencing half of the Earth is the best."

"The mathematician thinks for a minute, then constructs a tiny fence around himself and says 'I declare myself to be outside of the fence.'"

binglebongled

Infinite

"An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one asks for a beer. The second one asks for half a beer. The third one asks for 1/4 of a beer. Before the next one can open his mouth, the bartender pours two beers and walks away."

diamond

Fire Breaks Out

"A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician or going on a trip. They go to a hotel and each get separate rooms. The mathematician can’t sleep and is looking out his window at the other two rooms. Suddenly a fire breaks out in the chemists room!"

"The smoke alarm wakes him, he sees the fire and he thinks about the chemical reactions at play. Knowing the reaction needs air he throws a blanket over the fire and puts it out. The mathematician is relieved. Suddenly, another fire breaks out but in the engineer’s room! The engineer is awoken and thinks about the proper way to handle it."

"He finds the correct fire extinguisher and correctly uses it to put out the fire. Again, the mathematician is relieved. The mathematician is tired and about to go to bed when all of a sudden a fire breaks out in his own room! Knowing that there are multiple solutions to the problem, the mathematician feels at ease and goes to bed."

latinomartino

Old Pavie...

"Here's an old one..."

"Pavlov was at the pub having a drink. A bell rang. Wide-eyed and alarmed, Pavlov stood up and exclaimed, 'Oh crap, I forgot to feed the dogs!'"

impolite_zebra

Pavlov never gets old. And dogs are always funny.

Eww...

"Some Germans are out drinking one night. As they’re walking home, one can’t hold it anymore and starts peeing on a tree."

"A woman walks by and says, 'gross!'"

"The guy says thank you."

K8isEnough

Werner

"While out driving, Werner Heisenberg is pulled over by the police for speeding. The cop says 'Do you know how fast you were going when I pulled you over?'"

"Werner replies 'No, but I know exactly where I was.'"

"The cop says 'You were driving 90 miles an hour.'"

"Werner replies 'Oh great! now we're lost!'"

proximalfunk

Time passes...

"A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting in a street café watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people entering the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three people leaving the house. The physicist says, 'The measurement wasn't accurate.' The biologist says, 'They must have reproduced.' The mathematician says, 'If one more person enters the house then it will be empty.'"

damargemirad

Peanuts

"I got so drunk in the bar last night things started talking to me. The peanuts said I was lovely and then the cigarette machine called me a prick. I asked the barman what's going on? He said the peanuts were complimentary and the cigarette machine was out of order."

chillywilly00

Words

"I have the world's worst thesaurus. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible."

demanbmore

much less seven...

"An engineer and a mathematician attend a lecture on advanced physics. As the lecture goes on, the mathematician smiles and nods and the engineer becomes more and more agitated. The mathematician notices the engineer’s consternation and asks what’s wrong."

“'I just don’t understand how you can follow along while the lecturer blathers on about seven dimensional space. I have trouble imagining more than three, much less seven.'” The mathematician replies, “'Well it’s really easy. Just imagine an n-dimensional space and let n equal 7.'”

Spacewolf1

We got it!

"A physicist, a biologist and a statistician go hunting and as they are hiding in the bushes they see a deer 70 feet ahead of them. The physicist makes some calculations, aims and fires at the deer. His shot ends up five feet to the left of his target. The biologist analyzes the deer's movement, aims and fires. His shot ends up five feet to the right of the deer. The statistician shouts, 'We got it!'"

themattboard

Yell Back

"Guy yells to a stranger across the river, 'I need to get to the other side.' Stranger yells back... 'You are on the other side.'"

thestonez

"Similarly, if a stranger mistakes you for someone they know and say 'Oh, I thought you were someone else' the best reply is 'I am.'"

LazyDynamite

"My name's River and boy do I wish people would stop yelling at me!"

ReviLogic

Type of?

"A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The attendant asks if they know their blood type. The rabbit looks at the other two and answers first, 'I’m probably a type-o.'"

eadgster

Newton

"Einstein, Heisenberg, Pascal and Newton are playing hide and seek. Einstein covers his eyes and begins counting. While Heisenberg and Pascal run off and hide, Newton takes out some chalk and marks a square on the ground with a side length of exactly 1 meter, then sits down inside the square."

"When Einstein is finished counting and sees Newton sitting on the ground, he yells, 'Ha, I've found you, Newton!' Newton however replies, 'No you haven't! You've found Pascal!' And where's Heisenberg? We don't know."

iamtheoneorgasmatron

Infinite

"An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders one fourth of a beer. The fourth one orders one eight of a beer. Then the barman snaps and says 'okay, I see how it is! Here's two beers; you split them and leave me out of this!'"

MegawackyMax

Lessons in School

"When I was at school we were given lessons on how not to be racist, the teacher stood me up and said 'now, I want you to use the words 'Foreigner' and 'contagious' in the same sentence without being racist.' For a moment I pondered and replied 'My neighbor's a foreigner, he's trying to paint his house but he's only got a 2-inch brush, it's going to take the contagious.'"

Fuzzwuzzle2

He orders one beer...

"A beta tester walks into a bar. Jumps into a bar. Runs into a bar. Flies into a bar. Crawls into a bar. Rolls into a bar. Teleports into a bar. He orders one beer. Two beers. Three beers. Zero beers. Minus one beers. One million beers. He leaves the bar through the door. Through the window. Through the wall. Through the ceiling. Through the floor. Another man walks into the bar and it breaks."

Macaroni-N-Beans

Perfect Landing

"Ok, so a physicist, an engineer, and a statistician are out golfing. The physicist does some calculations, hits the ball, and lands three feet short of the hole. The engineer takes the physicist's calculations, adds a fudge factor for drag, hits the ball, and lands three feet long off the hole. The statistician yells 'HOLE IN ONE!'"

Robbylution

A good working with words is always a smart choice.