Customer Service Lies

"Your call is important to us and we will be with you shortly."

- too_much_ant_poison

Yeah, You Need An Exterminator

"Ignore the carpenter ants in your house. They'll eventually die off on their own without need of paying for an exterminator."

- Back2Bach

Weather Report

My sister in law was supposed to bring her kids and come for Christmas dinner. I wasn't planning on making a huge meal until my mother in law asked if they could all come. So I dropped a sh!tload of money at the store and spent all day cooking. When my husband's sister is late, his mom calls her. She claimed it was snowing with freezing rain and didn't want to drive in the bad weather. We live an hour away, it was unusually warm for December...about 56°. I checked the weather app...yep, it was 56 there, too. His mom said "well, sometimes the app is wrong" so I called my brother, who lives in the same city as the sister. Yep...it was 56 and sunny...a beautiful day.

If you're going to lie to me, at least make it believable. Diarrhea, the flu, car trouble...etc. Nope. She lied about the weather.

- katgib13

Clovis, New Mexico

In the armed forces. They told us: "This is your wish list. Put down all of the bases you would like to be stationed at and we'll get you stationed at one that has an opening."

I put down every base east of the Mississippi River and every base in Europe, so they compromised and gave me the next closest thing... F*cking Clovis, New Mexico.

- Buwaro

The Budget

"There is no money in the budget for raises this year."

I got that one year at my old job. The company then split $35 million in bonuses to upper "manglement." They could have given everybody 10% and still split $33 million … but NOOoOooo!! there was no money in the budget for raises.

- Mortimer14

The Ex-Wife

My ex wife, who had left me some years earlier, called me and saying how much she would like to see me again and how I was the only man she really loved. Turned out she was going to be evicted soon and wanted me to come rescue her. Told her nope you are a terrible person don't call me again.

- KrasnyRed5

Maybe It Was A Gift From Raiden? 

A kid told me he was playing Mortal Kombat on his gameboy and a lightning bolt struck his game boy while he was playing, and he was then able to play as the dragon that's on the box art. GTFOH!

- AlbertFrankEinstein2

That's Not How Veganism Works

When i was explaining something about diabetes a person responded by asking me if i knew that insulin medication was an artificial hormone that contained "chemicals" and that i should stop taking my insulin shots and instead treat my type 1 diabetes by changing to a vegan diet.

Bonus points to the guy that was adamant that i could cure my aspergers with yogurt.

- Sarastrasza

Back Door "Treatment" 

My girlfriend's friend told her that Americans carry stress in their tailbone and it affects their spine and the way they walk. She said it caused it to point downwards - the specifics of this aren't really that important. The amazing part is that this girl's boyfriend is a 'healer' and he is the one who has her convinced that she is suffering from this spinal issue in her tailbone.

The best is that the treatment for this malady (which is of course incurable and will require treatment indefinitely) is an@l sex. This guy wins the bullsh!t award right here, because he has convinced his girlfriend that he is helping heal her.

- penguin_sanchez

The FBI Raid

Met a guy through Yahoo Personals way back when it was a thing. Talked for a few weeks, exchanged pictures, agreed on a date. He no-showed. I hopped online the next day to basically say "WTF?". He then proceeded to make up the most batsh!t insane sorry I've ever heard in my life.

At the time (he claimed) he was working for a large tobacco company and (claimed) to have a fairly senior role. He told me that when he was leaving the office for our date the entire office was raided by the FBI for money embezzlement. They handcuffed everyone and he was brought to jail and not allowed any calls. Claimed his father (who also worked for the company) had been stealing funds and he was wrapped up in it. I asked him where he was right now, and he claimed he was bailed out, but under house arrest and had FBI agents parked outside his house watching his every move.

What the f*ck, man. If you thought I was too ugly when you saw me sitting there waiting for you to show, you could have just ghosted me. Don't insult my intelligence too.

- Sapphire1166