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Nikki Glaser Just Revealed The Jokes She Cut From The Golden Globes—And Some Of Them Are Hilariously Brutal
The appearance marked the second time Glaser has gone to Stern after hosting the Globes, quietly turning the show into an unofficial clearinghouse for jokes deemed too risky, too dark, or too nuclear for primetime.
Some of the cuts were strategic. Others came down to optics. And a few, Glaser admitted, were about reading the room and adapting to the vibes, the energy, and the looks on people’s faces.
Explaining why she’s more willing to let jokes go now:
“There's been times where jokes have really hurt people’s feelings, or I’ve gone too far, and I feel like I’m always okay with losing stuff now. It was always really hard to cut those jokes, and now I’m just like, ‘You just don’t get everything you want, and you just gotta move on, and let’s just write a better joke. There’s gotta be a better joke out there.’”
Glaser revealed she’d prepared jokes targeting Sydney Sweeney, Jonathan Bailey, Sean Penn, Timothée Chalamet, AI’s version of an actress, Jeff Goldblum, and Brad Pitt’s eternal leading-man status. Several of those punchlines were scrapped because they risked tipping from sharp into mean.
Sweeney, in particular, narrowly escaped a brutal box-office dig. The actor had a high-visibility year marked by nonstop discourse around her roles and uneven theatrical performance, which was fodder Glaser fully intended to mine.
The joke that got cut:
“People just aren’t going to the theater to see things. If you don’t believe me, there was a movie this year where Sydney Sweeney played a lesbian who just bounced around in tiny shorts for two hours, and it made $14.”
The line was a reference to Christy, a biopic about boxer Christy Martin that required Sweeney to undergo a dramatic physical transformation but flopped at the box office. In the end, Glaser decided the joke crossed the delicate line between brutally funny and just plain brutal, and chose to let it go.
Brad Pitt avoided the roast altogether by being absent. Had he attended, and been nominated, Glaser said she would have been ready with commentary on Hollywood’s aggressively uneven aging standards.
Her unused Pitt jab:
“When a man turns 60, he gets to play a race car driver. Meanwhile, after 35, every role for a woman is a tired mom who hates her life.”
Pitt was not nominated this year, as his Formula One racing film had not yet reached release or awards eligibility during the Golden Globes’ qualifying period.
Twisting the knife, Glaser had a second joke ready:
“Brad, you were so good ... I was almost convinced that you’ve driven yourself somewhere in the last 30 years. But Brad did a lot of his own driving in the movie. And Brad, I don’t want to embarrass you, but your blinker was on the whole time.”
Sean Penn, who was nominated for One Battle After Another, fared better than expected. Onstage, Glaser limited herself to calling him “a sexy leather handbag,” but offstage, she admitted the gloves were off. Among the jokes she cut were lines suggesting Penn was nominated for “best neck veins” and that “two of the hardest working actors in Hollywood” were his lower eyelids.
Jonathan Bailey also narrowly avoided becoming a punchline. Fresh off being named People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive—the first openly gay man to receive the title—Bailey would have been squarely in Glaser’s sights had he attended the ceremony.
The line Glaser would’ve used:
“Jonathan is the first openly gay man to be named the Sexiest Man Alive by 'People' magazine. And at first I was like, do we really need to say ‘openly’? And then I looked at a list of past winners, and I was like, ‘Oh, yeah, we do.’”
Timothée Chalamet didn’t escape entirely. Glaser roasted him during her actual monologue, but she admitted she cut one joke about his sex life that leaned too far into podcast-bait territory.
The joke that didn’t make air:
“Amy Poehler is here for her podcast 'Good Hang,' which is what Timothée Chalamet says after sex.”
Chalamet, who won Best Performance by a Male Actor in a Motion Picture – Comedy that night, appeared unfazed, celebrating with girlfriend Kylie Jenner before delivering a gracious acceptance speech.
Not everyone was even touchable. Glaser revealed Julia Roberts was effectively off-limits because the backlash risk was too high.
Glaser on the Roberts joke she abandoned:
“This was the joke I had written about [Roberts], where I literally thought I was going to be tarred and feathered after the show. Julia Roberts is nominated for 'After the Hunt.' I don’t know what it’s about, but I’m assuming the hunt was to find someone who’s seen it.”
You can watch the clip from her Howard Stern appearance here:
- YouTubeThe Howard Stern Show
Before taking the Globes stage, where she did roast Leonardo DiCaprio’s dating history and his childhood interview with Teen Beat, CBS News, and her own attraction to Michael B. Jordan, Glaser told People her goal was to zig where audiences expected her to zag.
That discipline appears to be paying off as social media reacted to the jokes:
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Glaser told Variety she'd happily return to host the Golden Globes for a third time next year, and producers appear more than open to the idea.
Executive producer Glenn Weiss praised her work ethic to Variety:
“I think she’s a perfect host for us. And I will say this, that she is one of the hardest-working people I’ve met in this industry. She really cares about what she’s doing. She goes out, she practices sets, things changed right up till when we went on the air from our first rehearsal to the last. And I’ve got to give her major props for not just how funny she is, but how hard she works and what a great person she is for this role.”
Beyond the Globes, Glaser shows no signs of slowing down. The stand-up comic and podcaster continues to build momentum through sold-out tour dates, comedy specials, and high-profile media appearances, carving out a lane that blends fearless roast humor with sharpened restraint.
If this is what she didn’t say at the Golden Globes, a third hosting gig may be less about whether Glaser is willing and more about whether Hollywood is ready.
Most Read
People Break Down Which Things Are Truly A Victimless Crime
Must we elevate so many things to the level of criminality?
Too many people are sitting in jail cells for "crimes" that are just ridiculous.
And don't get me started on the fines we pay.
Some of this crime business can often sound like a Ponzee scheme.
Redditor way2ooskeptic wanted to discuss the ways people have broken the law, and nobody was affected, but somebody still had to be punished, so they asked:
"What is truly a victimless crime?"
Home Free
"Sleeping off your drunken hangover in your car with the engine turned off in a parking lot."
- mvop413
Sleepy The Tourist GIF by HBO Max Giphy
Walk the Plank
"Pirating media that is no longer in circulation/production."
- detainthisDI
"Also, pirating after you've paid for the media in good faith, but got screwed by region locks."
"In the DVD era, it wasn't uncommon to hear of immigrants and tourists spending their hard-earned money on legit DVDs only to get a rude surprise after they moved or returned home. Region-free DVD players weren't particularly common, and even laptops often had region locks in their DVD drives that needed some technical know-how to bypass (until VLC, thank God)."
"When companies disrespect paying customers like that, pirating isn't just not-stealing - it's taking back your own property."
- tm3_to_ev6
Impaired
"If you recognize you're probably too impaired to drive (alcohol or sleep or whatever), you should not be a criminal for resting in your vehicle. That should be encouraged, even: Find a safe place to pull over without blocking anything, get in the passenger seat, and get the rest you need."
- Mackheath1
Get to the Other Side
"Jaywalking where there's no traffic."
- EtherealSerena
"I'd argue that, in aggregate, people who cross streets in inappropriate ways or at inappropriate times are doing harm not just to drivers but to other pedestrians, cyclists, etc."
"It makes people have to brake hard, which risks accidents and injury. It reduces confidence in pedestrians making sane choices, which slows down traffic."
"Jaywalking isn't a crime, but that's because negligently walking in front of a vehicle is generally a crime. It's not a crime unless somebody gets hurt."
"The US is unique in that way because we say the act of going outside of the traffic pattern is itself a crime."
- Sawses
"Technically, jaywalking isn't a crime unless a state has an additional law making it a crime. It's a civil infraction."
- the_scar_when_you_go
No Protection
"There have been many times where a whistle-blower was successfully legally punished, without functional whistle-blower protections, for pointing out a company or corporation endangering huge numbers of people."
- frobischer
"You just don't get work in your field again. I was basically fined 500k in lost wages for refusing to sign off on faulty work. (Welds on the pressure hull of submarines, no big deal, right?)"
"When my contract ended, I was not renewed. That's legal. When I applied for jobs, I was the second-best candidate and was welcomed to apply for a job in the future! Or no interview. I worked in a warehouse for a while. Definitely not my senior engineering pay. Took me three years to get an engineering job again, and ten years to get back to that pay level."
"Sometimes I'll be working away, doing well, and then for some reason, almost like my manager got a call from nowhere, I get laid off again. Maybe it's the economy again. Maybe it's my personality. Weird how you can make a company 3M one week and get a pip the next week."
- NSA_Chatbot
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Consent
"Taping a football game without the written consent of the NFL... lol."
- resurrection_punch
"I almost get excited when an NHL hockey game isn't on my streaming services or my cable package. The league has gotten so f**king ridiculous with blackouts. Now, when it happens, I open up my illegal stream, feeling like godd**n robin hood. I sent the link to everyone I know. F**k em. Come at me, FBI (but don't actually because Kash's FBI seems f**ked)."
- whaletacochamp
In the Pocket
"Getting a DUI for having your keys in your pocket."
- a-broken-mind
"I knew a lady who had gotten in a drunken argument with her husband. She went to her car to get away from him, and she took her purse with her. She got in, threw her purse on the passenger seat, and reclined the seat all the way to lie down. What she didn't know was that a cop across the street had watched her stumble to her car with a beer in her hand. She got a DUI."
- BrokenPickle7
Annoying
"Dumpster Diving."
- SadlyNotDannyDeVito
"I agree and disagree on this one. I’m the GC of a construction site, and I have people dumpster diving all the time. To be honest, I don’t care because everything they take out is something I don’t have to pay for getting hauled off. So the actual act of dumpster diving is just fine."
"The problem is it opens me up to a world of liability as the GC, where one sliced leg could cost us hundreds of thousands of dollars. So in a perfect world where everyone agrees that you are responsible for your actions, then hell yeah, go through my dumpster for the $2.50 of copper you’ll find."
"Also, side note. A lot of the guys who do it throw stuff out of the dumpster and cause a mess, which I have to clean up. So that’s annoying, but again, not necessarily a side effect of dumpster diving itself, just of stupid people."
- DirtyDan24137
SMOKED
"Growing and smoking your own weed."
- Imaginary-Cut-7779
"If you live by yourself and away from others. I find that people who smoke anything can be rather selfish and never take into account that most others don’t want to smell or inhale whatever it is that you’re smoking. I dont care if you’re an adult and choose to smoke, but quit doing it around other people."
- kakapoopoopeepeeshir
"(Medical) stoner here. Completely agree on the severe lack of weed etiquette. Feels like it got worse as cannabis became more common...less of a "culture" with rules being passed down. People don't seem to understand that if you wouldn't smoke a cigarette somewhere, you shouldn't be smoking your weed there, either... and that there are absolutely ways to mitigate smell. People just don't wanna spend like $30 on Smokeblaster and a smokebuddy, and it's ridiculous. Even a old sploof is better than nothing. Sorry, you've gotta deal with fools."
- noveltytie
Bins
"In the UK, recently someone got charged for littering for putting the packaging for an Amazon parcel in the public bin."
"They had picked it up from a collection point, but the council deemed it domestic waste and therefore should have been taken home and disposed of in their personal bin."
"I also saw a post on here a few days ago that someone's toddler dropped a strawberry they were eating, and the parent didn't spot it. The parent faces a fine for littering."
- Karloss_93
Friends
"Loaning your car to a friend without knowing it was going to be used to commit a crime. It's happened in the US."
- Pukitaki
"This is happening to someone I know, the police have impounded their car for the last ~6 months, and guess who has to pay for the storage and towing fees once they decide to give it back?"
- Infinity0044
friends GIF Giphy
Tops Off
"Going topless if you’re a woman. Men do it all the time. Chonky men with bigger boobs than a lot of women do it all the time. It’s weird that it’s illegal for women in a lot of places, but totally cool for dudes in nearly all places."
- Strange_Airships
"I found the Miley Cyrus bit about it funny."
"She came out on a talk show in a dress that basically had her breasts out, but she covered the nipples with pasties."
"Telling the host something like 'Oh, so you see the boob part isn't the problem, just the nipple part. I can have my whole boob out as long as I cover up my nipples.'"
"Just pointing out how stupid the rules are."
- Wessssss21
This is MY Land
"Smoking weed on my own property in a non-legal state. And driving the 5 miles from my home in Idaho to Washington to buy said weed and drive it across the border. It doesn't hurt anybody. Well, except the smoke I'm inhaling could hurt me. If you believe doctors. Luckily, I live in Idaho, so I know everything doctors say is false."
- wifespissed
So apparently, we can go to jail for anything.
Hockey Player Comes Out As Gay In Powerful Post After Being Inspired By 'Heated Rivalry'
In a Facebook post, Kortuem explained that he left the sport, where he played professionally in several leagues, in part because of the homophobia he faced.
But watching Heated Rivalry, he said, made his realize it is "finally time" to come out publicly.
Speaking to Out, Kortuem said:
"I know many closeted and gay men in the hockey world are being hit hard by Heated Rivalry's success."
"Never in my life did I think something so positive and loving could come from such a masculine sport."
"I've struggled the last few weeks to put these emotions into words, fearing the impact on team dynamics, etc."
But he did indeed find the words on Facebook. In his post, Kortuem described the rush his love of hockey gives him every time he enters an ice rink.
But that joy has always been tempered by the fear of coming out.
"For a long time, however, the rink did not feel like a place where I could be all of me. I felt I had to hide parts of myself for far too long."
Kortuem described what it was like to grow up in Minnesota as a competitive teen athlete in the sport.
"I carried a weight that did not seem to fit into that world, and I lived in a constant state of dichotomy."
Later, as an adult, he felt even more nervous about his secret.
"...revealing who I truly was to my team would change everything in an instant, their opinion of me, could bring negative attention to the team with the 'gay player', so I never took the chance."
"I spent every week in a locker room with guys I respected, yet I still did not feel safe enough to tell them who I truly was."
After leaving the sport, Kortuem fell into a handful of gay hockey leagues that changed his perspective and led to a recent tournament event where he realized he'd come full circle.
He explained:
"Standing on that ice, I realized I have finally found my peace."
That, combined with Heated Rivalry, convinced him that now was the time to publicly come out—especially as a way of being there for his fellow gay athletes.
"I want to speak to the athletes out there who are still in the closet or struggling to find their way."
"I want you to know that there is hope and you’re not alone. There is a life and a deep happiness waiting for you on your path. You will get through this, and it is going to be okay."
On social media, people found Kortuem's message deeply moving.
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Let it never be said that representation doesn't matter.
Olympian Ilona Maher Perfectly Shuts Down Body-Shaming Troll Who Said She Looks 'Pregnant' In Dress
That biological fact hasn't stopped some people, mostly men, from accusing women of looking "fat" or "pregnant" when they wear clothing that reveals that little "bump," though.
Olympic rugby star Ilona Maher, for example, received a comment on a picture of her in a flattering and form-fitting orange dress that she looked "pregnant" because of how the dress fit her.
She was so impressed with her comeback to the man that, even when he deleted his comment, which effectively deleted hers, she decided to share it again in a TikTok that the man would not be able to delete.
According to Maher's screenshot, the anonymous man said, with a laughing emoji:
"She looks pregnant in that dress."
Maher said:
"To him, I say, 'That is just a normal woman's body.'"
"'You probably haven't seen a woman naked in a long time, if ever, and I hope you never get the privilege to again.'"
"'Because that's just how we are, okay? That's just what we're workin' with.'"
"'Me, a professional athlete, and I always have this. It's just part of me.'"
"Please, please, stop commenting the dumbest stuff."
You can watch the video here:
Viewers applauded Maher for speaking out against unattainable expectations for women's bodies.
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It's alarming how many people either don't know basic biological facts or who actively ignore those facts for deeply frivolous reasons.
Thankfully, people like Maher are using their massive platforms to speak out with witty comebacks for the occasional internet troll. Maybe if they come face-to-face with it enough, they'll start to accept the truth.