Medical Professionals Describe Patients Who Had No Common Sense

It's not rocket science.

Reading Instructions

"There is a reason the instructions for prescription suppositories say 'unwrap and insert' and not just 'insert.'"

– Artisanal_AF

An Afterthought

"I’m a pharmacist. One evening shift I was working a relief shift (not my usual pharmacy). A man comes in looking distressed."

"Man: I had sexual relations with a woman I do not intend to pursue a long term relationship with. (Yes. He said it just like that)"

"Me: okay. I’m assuming there was an accident or it was unprotected. How long ago did it happen?"

"Man: last night, at 7pm on the couch. (Woah TMI, I just need to know approximate time to know if plan B will work o.o)"

"Me: we have this medication called Plan B, and since the incident happened within 72 hours-"

"Man: oh yes, I got that for her already yesterday right after we finished. We want to know if there is anything we can do to know if she is pregnant now."

"Me: unfortunately not. She’ll have to wait 3 weeks or so to see if she gets her period, and if she doesn’t then she can do a pregnancy test then. Theoretically you could do a blood test for faster results, but that would also not be until a couple of weeks, at least."

"Man: we’re just really anxious because she really doesn’t want to be pregnant. Is there anything that she can take to prevent the pregnancy? Any multivitamin? Minerals? Food?"

"Me: she’s already taken it, which was the plan B. There are some other options but those are prescriptions. And no, there are no over-the-counter products she can take."

"Man: What about me? Is there anything I can take now to prevent the pregnancy? Any multivitamins or minerals?"

"Me:……………………………..No sir. There isn’t anything you can take now."

– V_imaginary

​"Improper Specimen"

"73 here, former clinical microbiologist, LONG ago."

"Still, I found myself all over the clinical lab at times, not just infectious disease."

"So, one day, this 20-something guy (wife and mom in tow) walks in with a paper request for semen analysis, pre-computer era."

"Ok, not the most comfortable encounter, but I'm a professional and did this drill many times."

"He had not been briefed by the doc and had no idea how establishing infertility in males was done."

"Well, OK, a challenge, then."

"I took him aside and... using standard medical terminology told him how a diagnosis is made and what he needed to do to provide a specimen."

"He couldn't/wouldn't believe that I was asking him to masturbate into that container. Astonished!"

"Then he played dumb, as if the word was unfamiliar to him."

"We looped through the medical terms and procedure again, and I eventually resorted to every word I knew to describe the 'act.'"

"It was like a George Carlin bit!"

"A half hour later, he emerged from the toilet with two inches of urine in the cup. God Almighty."

"The report went back 'patient provided improper specimen.'"

– BrunoGerace

The following examples are relating to drinking problems.

The Giver Of Life

"Paramedic. Elderly woman complains that her mouth is dry and she felt a bit dizzy climbing the stairs earlier. Go through the whole rigamarole of getting a medical history, vitals, more detail on symptoms. Ask her what she's had to drink today."

"A cup of tea, ten hours ago."

"Any water? No."

"Guess what fixed it within five minutes."

– SpatchcockMcGuffin

Java Junkie

"Physical Therapist - Had a patient with neck pain and spasms, also complained of anxiety and heart palpitations. Asked about caffeine intake and patient revealed drinking and average on 15-20 cups of coffee daily."

– jdotbrone

Oh, you're not ready for these stories.

Man At The Mower

"Had a buddy who was an EMT, he was called out to a location for a gunshot wound."

"Apparently what happened is a father was mowing his lawn when he accidentally touched part of the mower near the engine and burned his hand. He got mad at the lawnmower, pulled out his pistol, and shot it. The bullet ricocheted and hit his son in the leg."

– Kretuhtuh

Immaculate Misconception

"Not me but my mother would pick up shifts as a nurse sometimes in Labour and Delivery and she had met a handful of women who didn’t know the baby was going to be coming out of their vaginas. Like no clue. My mom usually said something like 'how you got it in is how it’s coming out honey'. This was the late 90 early 2000s."

– QuailPuzzled1286

One Small Detail

"Rural ER doc here: 35 year old female walks in with right sided jaw/neck swelling. 'I think it happened because I ate some meat yesterday that my body is reacting to' … 10 minutes later : 'oh yeah, and I accidentally swallowed a bee and it stung me in my mouth right before this happened. Sorry I forgot to mention that.'"

– ThomasToHandle

Parents might be blamed for their kids' intelligence levels.

Some teachers could be responsible for overlooking teaching the basics.

Or maybe it's the rural locale where they were born and raised having something to do with it.

Whatever the circumstances, it's confounding that anyone capable of communicating and thinking for themselves can be so oblivious.