Lawyers Describe The Dumbest Things That Won Or Lost Them A Case

In the comedy classic Legally Blonde, sorority queen turned first-year law-student Elle Woods stunned everyone when she managed to win a high-profile murder trial, all owing to her expertise in perm maintenance.

Something this far-fetched could only happen in the movies, right?

Not necessarily.

As a victory or defeat in a trial ultimately hangs on the most minute details.

Some of which are just as bizarre and random as the science of a perm.

Redditor LordofDiacord was curious to hear the silliest things that either won or cost lawyers a trial, leading them to ask:

"Lawyers what was the dumbest thing that won or lost you a case?"

Too Much Detail...

"I had a fairly simple assault trial."

"Facts are a pretty basic homeless guy was told to leave by security and was ushered away."

"Homeless guy got upset and hit the security guard."

"We have some cell phone footage that shows this but ultimately the key moment wasn't clear and it could have been argued that the security guard touched him first."

"Defense counsel asks the defendant a few questions then goes in front of the jury and asks him to essentially position her how the security guard was and reenact what happened."

"They more or less agree that she should be standing about arm's length away and pointing (you know like a typical 'hey you can go exist there but this is private property' kind of thing)."

"She then asks 'and what did you do'."

"My dude looks right at her and slugs her right in the mouth."

"Not even a 'gentle' reenactment tap but fully committed to trying to knock her out."

"Her lip is bleeding and she looks shocked like she was fully unprepared for it before sitting down."

"'Skaliton, any cross?'"

"' ...'uh just briefly. sir, just to confirm you hit the security guard just like that?'"

"'Yes'.'

"'up until that time did the security guard ever touch you?'"

"'No.' "

"'no further judge'."

"I didn't even get out of the courthouse parking lot before I got called back for the verdict."- skaliton

Good Old Double Jeopardy...

"Public defender in first felony trial, meth trafficking where they had the whole exchange caught on video, including my client’s (alleged, haha) face, and his license plate as the exchange took place in his car."

"When arrested the next day, he still had the marked bills in his wallet."

"All I could argue was reasonable doubt, 'probably' isn’t enough."

"He was facing 20 years because of his record."

"After 10 minutes out, the jury came back and asked if they could see my clients teeth."

"On the video, he had a bad case of meth mouth, but he had not testified, so the jury didn’t get a chance to look in his mouth in person."

"The judge said sorry, the proof was closed."

"They came back not guilty 5 minutes later."

"Spoke to Foreman after, he said they were pretty certain it was him, but his teeth were so distinctive they wanted to see them to be absolutely certain."

"I asked 'What about the license plate and marked bills?'”

"His brow furrowed."

“'That actually didn’t come up back there… but … yeah, I guess it was definitely him'."

"Should we tell the judge?'”

“'Uhh, it’s too late, it’s over'.”- mastonate

Quit While You're Ahead

"Not my story, but one I heard as a young lawyer, illustrating the dangers of asking too many questions on cross-examination - the lesson being to quit while ahead, don’t ask open-ended questions that allow the witness a chance to explain!"

"The case was about a vicious fight outside a bar."

"The accused was accused of biting the victim’s nose off."

"The only witness was an elderly fellow who saw the whole thing."

"On direct, the witness said he saw the two fighting in a whole crowd of brawlers, from across the street at night."

"The defense cross went something like this:"

"Q: 'I see you are wearing glasses here in court. Are you nearsighted?'”

"A: 'yes'.”

"Q: 'from the police report, it says you were not wearing your glasses that night'.”

"A: 'yes, I ran out of my house without them when I heard the riot'.”

"Q: 'again, from the police report, it was particularly dark and foggy that night, there was only a single light above the bar, and you were a hundred feet away. Is that correct?'”

"A: 'yes'."

"Q: 'so, you admit you are near sighted, that the visibility conditions were not good'.You could not possibly have been able to see exactly what happened a hundred feet away from you, correct?'”

"A: 'well, yes, but ..'."

"Q: “please just answer the question'."

"A: 'yes."

"And here the lawyer ought to have sat down."

"Instead, they open their mouth and ask the fatal question:"

"Q: 'so, given you admit you could not have seen exactly what happened, why did you testify it was my client who bit off the victim’s nose? It could have been any one of those fighting'.”

"A: 'because later, your client ran right past me, and spat a severed nose onto my shoe'."

"The latter bit had not been in the police report and was not mentioned on direct."- Malthus1

Animation Run GIF by Tony Babel Giphy

The Downsides Of Technology

"Not a lawyer but I do technical work for lawyers."

"I'm going to generalize this excessively because it's a real case."

"Did some data recovery analysis of a dashcam from a company vehicle involved in a very serious accident."

"Driver claimed not to be at fault."

"After doing recovery on the SD card from the camera, I found a video of a company manager sitting at the wheel in the company garage, weeks after the accident, while the vehicle was supposed to be quarantined as evidence."

"He was on the phone with someone receiving instructions to do stuff to the dashcam."

"We could hear him say 'No, I already pushed it'."

"He had pushed the red 'record incident manually' button and recorded himself tampering with evidence."

"Presented in pre-trial negotiations."

"Case settled immediately in favor of my client."- XenonOfArcticus

Shut Up Dad!

"Jury duty."

"A father and son got into a physical argument."

"Both adults."

"Son pressed charges for simple assault."

"There was plenty of evidence to acquit, as it sounded like mutual combat."

"Son was kind of a sh*thead and was egging him on, pushing etc… up until the punch that busted his lip and lead to the cops being called."

"We were ready to acquit up until the dad took the stand."

"Virtually the first thing out of his mouth 'oh yeah I whooped him good!'”

"With plenty of detail!"

"His lawyer and judge both visibly shook their heads."

"Had to convict."- Sufficient-Loan1355

Sometimes, All It Takes Is A Second Opinion

"This wasn't a trial, nor am I a lawyer, but at one point I was interning for a family law attorney."

"He had this one divorce case he was in the middle of, and I sat in on client meetings and mediation with the other party."

"They were discussing custody and weren't able to come to an agreement, so I propose a potential agreement to our client, and after the other attorney talks it over with their client they accept."

"After we leave the client, I'm riding high on the thrill of resolving things, when the lawyer I was interning with told me that the custody schedule I proposed was identical to one that had come up earlier in negotiation."

"The only reason they accepted this time is because both parties perceived me as a sort of neutral 3rd party, so they believed the compromise was more fair than when it had been proposed by one of them."- dewey-defeats-truman

Awkward Season 3 GIF by The Office Giphy

At First Glance...

"Do administrative proceedings count for this question?"

"Years ago, I was working for a partner doing municipal and planning law matters."

"He had a client, a Hindu group (originally from south India but established here in Canada) who wanted to build a community centre."

"They were being blocked by a municipality, in the flimsiest grounds - the correspondence (back then, all on paper, it’s that long ago) being unbelievably rude and dismissive of our client."

"Naturally, the client assumed the municipality planning office was full of racists."

"How else to explain their bizarre behavior?"

"Mind you, and this is important, they had never actually met for an in-person meeting; this was all by correspondence."

"At the first meeting with the client, they were fighting mad."

"They wanted to launch a proceeding right away, (had in fact already filed the paperwork before they realized they needed professional help), which would have earned our firm tens or even hundreds of thousands of dollars in fees."

"I was given the task of summarizing and categorizing the correspondence for the partner, and a single glance at the correspondence told me what the problem was, and how to solve it right away (and, sadly, lose our firm those hundreds of thousands in fees)."

"The group was called something like the 'Vedic Aryan Society'."

"Their decorative letterhead had an ornamental border - of Swastikas."

"It was obvious from the correspondence that the city planners had literally no idea who 'Vedic Aryans' were, or that they were originally from south India."

"They were acting under the assumption these guys were neo-Nazis because of the use of the word 'Aryan' and the decorative swastikas."

"Just as the clients assumed the planners were vicious racists, so too did the planners assume that the clients were vicious racists."

"Hence turning down the application on flimsy grounds, the nasty tone in the correspondence (which virtually said ‘we don’t want your kind in our community’), etc."

"A single letter carefully explaining this was basically all it took - the application was approved, the proceeding withdrawn."

"Plus some free advice, which was that a different choice of decorative border would avoid such issues in the future … and hence the dumbest possible waste of time was avoided."- Malthus1

Oh, Bureaucracy...

"I had a client charged with illegally camping on public land aka being homeless in public."

"I moved for a dismissal at first appearance based on lack of probable cause."

"The municipal code defined camping as sleeping outdoors between 9 pm and 7 am."

"I pointed out that the police citation showed that they ticketed my client at 8:30 pm."- cpolito87

She Had A Case... A Hopeless One...

"I had a client when I was working in the clinic at law school."

"She had stolen pills from a hospital, and the DA sent me security camera footage."

"It was legit her like 10ft from a camera, looking around, and shoveling pills in her pocket."

"I asked my professor how to approach it and he suggest showing her the video."

"I did that, and her response was 'so do you think I have a case?'."

"She ended up magically finding money for a non-public defender and fired me."

"She ended up getting a few years in jail."- RoboPeenie

GIF by Shalita Grant Giphy

So Much For Keeping A Low Profile

"My uncle went to watch my dad - a defense lawyer - in court on two occasions."

"Both times, my uncle was identified by a witness as the suspect."

"Dismissed and dismissed."- WhyYesOtherBarry

Didn't Work On The Brady Bunch Either...

"I was told this story a long time ago."

"Local PD had been working under cover as homeless people and were targeting muggers in the city center."

"The defendant was in court with a cast on his leg and crutches nearby."

"He’d been shot by the arresting officer."

"The officer was on the stand giving the details of the arrest, and it went something like this: 'I was working under cover on the mugging task force dressed as a homeless person'."

"The defendant produced a knife and demanded my wallet."

"'I gave him the wallet and he fled on foot'."

"'I gave chase, identifying myself as a police officer and ordering him to halt'."

"'The defendant continued to flee and after multiple warnings I drew my revolver, took careful aim, and disabled him, which allowed me to effect the arrest'."

"The defendant jumped up and yelled 'Your honor, that policeman’s a liar'."

"'After I took his wallet, all I heard was ‘Guess who?! Bang!'”- Individual_Corgi_576

Intellectual Property...

"This is more funny than anything."

"I'm a contract attorney in the entertainment and sports world."

"Had a client who's a mid-level writer/director calls me one day and says hey, what legally constitutes a contract?"

"I explained the basics that there has to be an offer of terms, acceptance of terms, consideration of value, mutual agreement, capacity to make the agreement, and the offer In question has to be legal."

"I hear silence and then a "sh*t... We may have an issue'."

"Goes on to explain that he was in Vegas for the week and got to talking to this guy, they are having fun, getting goofy and the guy pitches him a story."

"He loves it, and long story short, he writes it on paper the bartender had."

"That on the date, he agrees if he uses this idea, the guy either gets 25% profit or a part in the idea, his choice."

"He signed it, the guy signed it, and the bartender witnessed it."

"I laugh... He says 'but I love the idea, I've legit spent the night writing it out, how f*cked am I?'"

"I ask him who took the signed paper?"

"The guy did."

"Were you drunk?"

"Stone cold sober."

"Was the guy drunk?"

"He never saw him drink."

"I said risk factor is low but possible."

"He is a bit upset."

"Asking if he can change it, the story, and get away with it, etc."

"I said that was was a question for his copyright attorney."

"Offhand I ask where he was, when, and if he knew what the bartender looked like."

"He gave me all that."

"He was going to ask his copyright lawyer, as he has a good start on the idea."

"A few days later, I was able to track down the guy working the bar at the place he was at."

"Guy calls me back, explains who I am, and asks him if he by any chance remembers a scenario I laid out."

"He starts laughing...he finally responds 'yeah, I remember those two, they were blitzed out of their minds, they were doing drugs at my bar, that's why I came over'."

"'Then they wrote up that sh*t and asked me to sign it'."

"'I did'."

"I asked if he happened to know what happened to the paper they signed?"

"He said 'I threw that sh*t away it was all gibberish and illegible anyway, I just pretended to sign it with a straw because it was the only way'd they leave'."

"'But hey I will say your guy left me a 75% tip'."

"I hung up and texted my client back that I had taken care of it, and his response was praying hands and '3k cover your time?'"

"Dude got an option with his idea he and his bar buddy cooked up but never got produced."- AmITheFakeOne

Priorities People!

"Client facing a termination of parental rights case calls me the day of the trial to tell me she can't make it to court because her current boyfriend surprised her with tickets to the Carribean."

"Actually told me to call her after the trial to let her know how it went."

"Spoiler alert: it did not go well."- icecoldtoiletseat

BOOM!

"Lady worked for a missile factory making missiles for the Air Force."

"Had a bogus bodily injury claim off a fender bender."

"We were treating with some questionable medical practices that get paid out of the proceeds of the lawsuit, so we were already suspicious."

"Come to find out her treatment records show her being 'treated' when she is logged in to the secure access missile facility monitored by the U.S. government contractor."

"On cross, I showed her both sets of records and asked her to pick which ones were more likely to be true - the missile factory with the secure facility or the medical practice trying to get paid out of her lawsuit."

"She picked a missile factory."

"She wound up losing, and owing my client $230,000 in legal fees, which her plaintiff’s law firm had to partially cover."

"They don’t put that possibility on the billboards y’all."- ZachMatthews

Missile Yemen GIF by euronews Giphy

Even the slightest slip of the tongue could drastically affect the outcome of a trial.

Only question is... did none of these people even consider pleading the Fifth?