People Explain What It's Like To Have A Higher Sex Drive Than Their Partner

According to numerous studies and surveys, sexual compatibility is a significant factor in relationship satisfaction and overall well-being for most people.

Sex influences emotional connection, trust, and communication.

A lack of compatibility can lead to frustration and disconnection.

There's a wide spectrum of sex drives, from the completely asexual to demisexual, to gray-asexual, to low sex drive, to average, to high.

An asexual—people feel little to no sexual attraction to anyone—and someone with an extremely high sex drive are unlikely to fare well in a monogamous relationship. And people only slightly removed from each other on the scale of sexual arousal are more likely to be sexually compatible.

But what do people in these mismatched relationships think?

Reddit user cognito14 asked:

"How do you feel about having a higher sex drive than your partner? If so does it bother you?"

Self-Service

"It bothers me at times, but I just handle my own business."

~ sesco262

"In the same boat—it helps that my partner is cool with it."

"It's satisfying an appetite without violating the exclusivity of our intimacy."

"So my partner can let me know when they're feeling up for it, but never feel like they have to out of obligation."

~ NarcolepticEngineer7

Best Ever

"I’ve been with my wife for about 15 years, with 10 of that being married. The first 11-12 years were, frankly, a massive struggle on my end which heavily strained the relationship."

"We finally started scheduling sex 3-4 years ago, first once a month, then every two weeks, and for the last 2 years, once a week. I’d prefer 2-3 times a week with far more variety and spice in our sex life, but we have been doing well overall with once a week in part because our overall communication has grown in this same span."

"It can be absolute torture, especially if you let it affect the rest of the relationship like your friendship and overall communication. However I’ve always valued just about everything else about my partner (an amazing friendship, their kindness, their ability to parent our kids, etc...) that it was worth it in the end.

"I wish I could have communicated with her this well 10 years ago and wish we would have scheduled things then too, but hindsight is 20/20."

"Thanks to our communication and a bit of Zoloft for both of us (prescribed legitimately for depression/anxiety, but also helps me last longer and both of us to worry less about it) we are having the best sex of our lives for the last few months."

~ kedelbro

Communication

"It was frustrating at first, but it stopped bothering me after we talked it out properly, and I understood better what he was going through."

"I just take care of myself when he's not in the mood."

~ Frosting840

Medical Reasons

"My partner has become chronically ill. Before that we had an amazing sex life—multiple times a day, lots of kinks, etc... We haven’t had sex in 8 months and we probably never will again."

"It’s not that he’s physically unable to, his illness has just completely destroyed his sex drive. I love him, and I don’t plan on leaving him. But it’s absolutely devastating."

"My self-esteem has never been worse, and I feel disgusting whenever I have sexual thoughts. I’ve looked into chemically destroying my sex drive, and even returning to the church for the purity culture (I’m a raised Catholic turned atheist)."

"Overall it’s pretty horrible. I give it a 0/10."

~ AdvisorNo3594

Resentment

"I have definitely struggled with it!"

"I don't feel actively resentful anymore, and I learned to stop taking it personally."

"I still very much wish it was different."

~ scurvy_knave

Initiative

"It's tough."

"For one, I always have to initiate. That is fine, but it makes you feel like you're badgering them sometimes. Also, every now and then, it would be nice to be desired."

"Two, unless you're a great actor, it's very clear when you're only there because you have to be."

~ DAM5150

Transactional

"This was the reason my last relationship ended."

"We were perfect for each other, but sex was so, so unromantic and transactional, and it hurt my heart every day."

"I'm terribly sorry for your situation, I truly empathize with you."

~ FrickekingFricker

Rejection

"The constant rejection and continued sense of disinterest and being undervalued is a persistent drag. I'm sure she has sex with me largely because she feels like she needs to, but it's painfully perfunctory once it's over."

"No cuddling, no emotional declarations or relishing the moment of vulnerability and closeness. There's essentially no emotional content in it for her, I suspect."

"She has zero physical interest in me, and I hate it. We love each other and have a good life together so I tough it out, but it's a gaping hole in my existence."

~ Farts_McGee

Not Gender Specific...

"This happened to me, and I'm a woman married to a man... we've found solutions, but for more than a decade, I was the only one interested/initiating/wanting it, and it crushed me that a man wasn't reciprocating."

"Gendering this issue only causes more pain—all humans can lose the sense of importance of sex over time."

~ Sarita_777

...But There Seems To Be A Pattern

"It also bothers me she gets it whenever she wants it, but I have to deal with the rejection and frustration when it doesn’t suit her."

"I’m about two years in now. Despite the first conversations revolving around the importance of intimacy, now it’s a very different tune."

"I honestly think that women change over time vs their comfort level in a relationship because I certainly don’t want her less, but she’s absolutely adjusted her own expectations."

"We’ve spoken about it several times, but honestly, I think the sex life with any lady in a relationship is hard-pressed making it past the 12-18 month mark.

"And it’s funny how their expectations change. Sorry, did you not have stress when we met and it suddenly developed, come on."

~ Reddit

"Let me say this as gently as possible, but how can you tell a woman is enjoying sex?"

"Clearly many of the men responding to this can't. In contrast, it's pretty simple to tell when a man achieves penile orgasm."

"If your experience is 'all women' tap out on sex with you after 12-18 months, maybe it's not every single woman on Earth that's the issue."

"Why would a woman want to continue going through the motions/faking it with a man incapable of sexually satisfying her? That's the pretty obvious answer a lot of these comments are revealing."

"Try a sex therapist instead of blaming all women. Other couples maintain sexual intimacy, so this isn't an 'all women' problem. This pretty clearly points to it being a you problem."

~ MohawMais

Unwanted

"It makes me feel unwanted and rejected."

"It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me or that I am undeserving or undesirable."

~ ExternalTelevision75

More To Life

"To each their own, but there's a lot more to life than sex."

"My parents divorced pretty soon after I was born and my Mom pretty much hated my Dad (infidelity on his part). I got the basic 1 day (the afternoon basically) a week with him plus alternating weekends, which sucks because he's always been this incredibly supportive and loving man."

"You can say it was easier to be Disneyland Dad that way, but that wasn't it, that's just him."

"I am a lot happier putting my sexual frustrations aside to stay together and try to be that man to my own son. The times that I'm really frustrated, I just have to reframe my mindset and focus on the positives."

"Quite honestly my son is my highest priority. And my wife is a very caring, loving partner and mother."

"I'm not sure we'd be together today if it wasn't for him, but only because I imagine we'd drift apart due to a lack of commonality. But he's our common factor."

"He's amazing and brilliant and funny. Having someone just as committed to him as I am means the world to me."

~ New-Ad-363

Soul-Crushing

"I'm 5 times a week vs 2 times a year for my wife."

"It's horrible."

~ Whosyouruser

"Life in relationships are complicated, so take this with a grain of salt, but I've been in a relationship with a frequency like that and it absolutely crushed my soul."

"It's not worth it."

~ Copperslu123321

Mind The Gap

"I've been in a relationship like this, and honestly it depends on the size of the gap."

"If there's a gulf, if you want sex four times a week and your partner wants it once a month, then you're in for a bad time."

"It varies from person to person, but in my experience—as someone who wants sex 4 to 5 times a week—a partner who wants sex at least once or twice a week is enough for me to be satisfied."

"So long as they are enthusiastic and I feel genuinely wanted."

~ Copperslu123321

Advice

"My girlfriend has significantly lower sex drive than me, as in I want it every day and she wants it once a month or so."

"We just hit 2 years, and it couldn’t be better! The things that help:"

"She was very clear up front with me, so we made the decision to go all in knowing what we were in for. We communicated a LOT!"

"We are both thankfully VERY touchy feely, so I never have those doubts that she is losing interest in me."

"She makes an effort to compliment me on my looks and my body. She is always reminding me that she’s attracted to me."

"She has no issues with me looking at porn and taking care of it myself."

"We communicate A LOT (yes I’m saying it again!)."

"I put a lot of effort into asking questions and understanding, while she has put in a lot of effort in trying to explain how her brain works."

"I never pressure her or expect her to keep going if we get into it and she doesn’t want to keep going."

"For example, when we first got together there was a time when she started to touch me, but I could feel that she wasn’t really into it, so I moved her hand away and went back to cuddling. She said I was the only guy who had ever done that."

~ Polysphondylium

Have you found yourself in a sexually incompatible relationship? What did you do?