Two key subjects are vital to every relationship, and if they're done "wrong," the relationship will likely come into trouble: money and sex.
Though there's no prescription for how often a couple should have sex or what intimacy should mean to them, there's no denying that these subjects hold a place in every relationship.
For those relationships who have opted out of sex or intimacy, there are ways to get reacquainted with the bedroom that other couples have found effective in the past.
Redditor Forsaken_Opinion_317 asked:
"People who fixed a sexless relationship, what did you do?"
The Perks of Exercise
"I started working out and got my sex drive back."
- Dewdlebawb
"Personally, I don’t go to the gym because the subscription rates are pure scams to me, but I work out at home, and I’ve been feeling more attractive and confident in my own body. I went from looking incredibly malnourished to decently healthy within a couple of months of lifting weights and doing some situps/pushups every now and then."
- Jogipog
Hormone Control
"She stopped taking birth control, and I got a vasectomy. Her hormones went NUTS when she stopped, and we were having sex constantly. My penis actually hurt. It was such a good pain because we were finally having good, passionate, frequent sessions again, like how we did when we first got together. Eventually, her hormones leveled out, and now we do it about two to three times a week."
"I felt so unattractive when she didn't want to have sex. She said she did love me and she was still physically attracted to me, and she wished she had wanted to be more intimate. She said it was the pill. It was the hormones."
"I didn't believe her. I was like, no way, can a hormonal pill do that to you. Yeah, I was wrong. I feel terrible now for all the s**t she had to put up with me about sex."
"Sex is very important to both of us, but when she was on the pill, she felt like she was constantly on her period. When she's on her period, she says she feels zero sexual desire and doesn't even want me touching her. I couldn't believe the difference after she got off the pill. It made me feel so terrible to know that she basically didn't feel like herself for five years."
- dudeimjames1234
"My birth control implant essentially castrated me. My libido was nonexistent. I wanted sex for the emotional intimacy, but physically, it just wasn't happening... This went on for about two years. The relationship fell apart. I didn't feel like myself."
"I finally figured out what was happening and removed the implant. Libido immediately came back as if it had never left."
"Hormones are no jokes. They'll f**k with ya."
- kamikaze_pedestrian
"The OP said, 'She said it was the pill. It was the hormones. I didn't believe her. I was like, no way, can a hormonal pill do that to you. Yeah, I was wrong.'"
"I'm amplifying this for the people in the back: if your SO (significant other) says her hormonal birth control is affecting her, LISTEN TO HER. F**king with your hormones can have huge impacts on a person. Sometimes it's a positive impact (controlling menstruation, reducing acne), but often it's a very negative impact (depression, dead libido, excess hunger, irritability)."
"I'm like your wife, taking a birth control pill utterly destroyed my libido. And it didn't matter which pill I tried, the result was the same. I had zero independent sex drive AND my libido was not reactive, so there was literally nothing that could happen to make me ever want sex again."
"I remembered liking sex and missing it, but that didn't help. My hormones wouldn't let me feel arousal."
"So yes, men, if any woman in your life is telling you that her hormonal birth control is shutting down her libido, take her seriously! It's definitely a side effect that can happen... and you should read the warning insert in a box of pills to learn about all the other horrible side effects she's risking too if she's having a bad reaction to the pill."
- thoughtandprayer
Communication Is Key
"My wife and I went over a year without. It was rough. Neither one of us was communicating what we needed, and ended up resenting the other."
"The key factor here was communication. Once we opened up and acknowledged what the other needed, things have been much better all around. It’s not easy to fix, but like most problems, talking to the other person is the only way."
- nickl104
Medical Enhancement
"I got viagra. Long story short, I spent two years not having sex with my wife. I hit my late 30s and things just weren’t working as well as they used to."
"My wife asked me point-blank one day if I wanted to give Viagra a try. I was initially offended but she offered me one on the spot. She had gotten it from her best friend whose husband also used them."
"We had amazing sex that night and I felt this sense of relief. We went at it like newlyweds. Three times in 12 hours. I got a prescription and currently use Hims for delivery. We’ve had a great sex life for the last three years. At least twice a week. Many times more than that. Depends on the week."
- SaiyanGodKing
The Power of Scheduling
"I lost weight and started lifting, put my phone down, became helpful around the house, stopped p**n, talked it through, and scheduled it two to three times a week."
- wanttobedone
"We schedule intimacy rather than sex. It doesn't have to end up with sex. It could be cuddling, or a massage, or a date, or just talking while touching, but it's intimacy. And sometimes it ends up with sex, sometimes it doesn't, and that's okay. It's still an improvement over none."
- poesvliegtueg
Put the Phone Down
"Man, I can’t stress enough the difference the 'putting the phone down' thing makes. Here’s one to try. When you know your girl is gonna come into the room, have your phone down before she comes in. Just lay there or sit there waiting for her."
"Think about how different that is than (A) being on your phone while she’s there but even (B) being on your phone and then putting it down. The feeling is night and day."
"My girl and I are both pretty sexual people, so the frequency of our sex life isn’t an issue. But just the intimacy and quality time have absolutely skyrocketed. It’s a life hack."
- burnerschmurnerimtom
A Quality Doctor
"I found a gyno who actually listened to me and ran a hormone panel. My libido was non-existent for a good long while, and it turned out that my traitorous perimenopausal body decided to stop producing the amount of testosterone it needed. Two weeks after starting a prescription of testosterone, everything righted itself."
- BustAMove_13
Overworked and Unhealthy
"I lost about 50lbs and now go to the gym regularly and now my wife wants to have sex with me almost every weekend. I didn’t realize how overweight and unattractive I was when I was in my 30s because I was just working like an id**t all the time. Now I’m in my 40s and I work normal hours and our marriage is better."
- cracker707
Basic Needs Met
"Our marriage was never sexless, but we were doing it more than I wanted to and less than he did. We fixed it by addressing the root causes, mainly stress, lack of sleep, conflict, and resentment. Nothing physically wrong with either of us."
"I made a comment a while ago about how I was sleeping better lately and he said, 'That’s cuz we’re having more sex.'"
"I said, 'No, we’re having more sex because I’m getting more sleep.'"
- queenie_sabrina
Desires Addressed
"My wife and I communicated how we felt about sex in an open, judgment-free way. She told me what she needed, I told her what I needed. She reminded me what gets her going, and I did the same (it can change, believe me)."
"Most of these bleak, all hope is gone posts feel like they are from selfish people who cannot view themselves in an introspective way and are probably the reason the relationship ended. Most of them, not all. Sometimes, the other person changes and you cannot control that. It is what it is."
"If your relationship has a healthy foundation, almost anything can be fixed, most problems avoided. You need to COMMUNICATE and let them know you love them and care about their needs just as much if not more than your own. Sex is at least a two-person affair, it’s not just about you."
- usernameq23
Divorce Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
"We had sex once in six months. I was so engrossed in my career that I didn't even realize how unhappy my wife was."
"The day after Thanksgiving, she admitted she was unhappy and was considering leaving. We had a long talk, and I realized I couldn't convince her to stay, and didn't want to have to convince her because I didn't want her to resent me later for convincing her to stay in an unhappy relationship."
"We filed for divorce this past Tuesday, and she's gotten herself an apartment and started moving this past weekend. Our divorce should be finalized before 12/31 (when nothing is contested, it's REALLY quick in our state apparently)."
"Since we agreed we should split, we've had more frequent, more varied, and (in my opinion) more fulfilling sex than we ever did while we were married. We know it's not going to help us move on, we know it may not be the healthiest thing in the world, but frankly, the sex is amazing and we'd both been missing that for a while."
- AKBigDaddy
A Shift in Mindset
"One could argue that in a healthy relationship, a low sex drive wouldn't necessarily lead to a sexless relationship."
"If everything in a relationship was only done if someone was in the mood (think of patience, shopping, cleaning, listening to and validating feelings, making/saving money to build a wonderful future, etc), then no relationship would last."
"A good part of the solution is adjusting our mindsets (while not losing who we are). This is part of the 'hard work' people talk about in successful relationships."
- AstronautGuy2468
Less Pressure and Entitlement
"I started meditating and slowly realized I didn't 'need' it. I slowly stopped pressuring my wife for it and acting like a d**k when I didn't get it."
"The less I pressed for it, the more she wanted it. Now the tables have almost completely turned and the dynamic is much more balanced and healthy. Coming to the realization that I didn't need sex was the most liberating thing that ever happened to me."
- cliffslastnote11
The 10-Second Kiss
"I have always heard of the 10-second kiss working well. Whenever you kiss goodbye or goodnight, do it for 10 seconds, uninterrupted, and quiet. It reminds you of why you are attracted to each other."
- MorguenMisco
Turning the Tables
"My first husband stopped the sex immediately after we married. I was baffled and hurt, and kept trying to fix it (for three years) until I realized I couldn’t. The problem wasn’t mine to fix."
"I still loved him, but I was so exhausted from turning myself inside out, trying to be someone he wanted to be close with, with no help from him. My light was going out. It was the marriage or my life. We ended up splitting up quickly and amicably."
"It was the best decision for both of us. We just weren’t right for each other."
"The day I decided to divorce him was one of the best days of my life."
- thekermiteer
While everyone has different needs and desires, and while there is no fix-all for every relationship, there are some very interesting suggestions in this thread that surely could work for many, if they're ready and willing to try.
