Most people who have chosen to have kids and become parents love their children.
That said, we generally can only spend so much time with people, whether they're our loved ones or coworkers, before we need a little break. It's okay that parents might like an occasional break from their children, like having a nice dinner out.
But if a parent says they can only spend so much time with their children before their blood begins to boil, that's a red flag. For them to then say that amount of time is very small, like only 10 or 15 minutes, that's even worse.
X user and father Justin Murphy had everyone's red flags on alert when he opened up about his limits on the platform.
"Am I just a monster? It's been four years since I became a father, and I'm beginning to fear for my soul."
"The truth is, I just don't like being around kids for very long. Historically, this is not uncommon among fathers, but today it feels almost illegal. It's causing me a lot of confusion and anguish."
"The ideal amount of time I would like to spend playing with my kids is probably about 70 to 140 minutes a week, roughly ten minutes each day, maybe two times per day, while taking breaks from work."
"My feelings of love toward them are perfectly strong, but if I have to watch them or entertain them for more than about 10 minutes, my blood starts to boil. I just want to be working or accomplishing something. I try to be grateful, but it doesn't work."
This was inspired by the battle between a baseball and a cup of coffee.
"It's 9:00 AM this morning, Saturday, January 3. It's a sunny, warm day here in Austin, and my four-year-old son is begging me to play catch in the street. I was drinking coffee, still waking up, so I didn’t really feel like it, but at this age, his desire to play is insatiable."
"He begged and begged, so I conceded, and with a smile. I have no problem being a kind and loving father. The problem is only that I do not enjoy it. It's not that I'm trying to maximize my personal pleasure; it just seems wrong that I experience so little delight when my dad friends all claim to experience so much."
"It was beautiful. We live on a picturesque, tree-lined block. I am even relatively relaxed from the holiday rest. Playing catch with your son is supposed to be an iconic, peak experience."
"Yet for every single minute, on the inside, I just don't want to be there. I want to be drinking my coffee in peace. Then I feel guilty and absurdly ungrateful, and ashamed, when we're done."
"I know that when he is a teenager, I'll long to have these days back. I have all of this perspective rationally, and I've been very patient and steadfast trying to digest it, but nothing fixes me emotionally."
"Am I a terrible person? Or is my feeling within a certain range of historically normal, and it's modern parenting norms that are off? Whether it's my fault or not, I don't even care; I just want to figure this out. Something is wrong, and I no longer have the excuse of being new to this."
You can see the original tweet here:
@jmrphy/X
The post received a great amount of attention, from those who tried to be supportive of a father who was struggling to those who didn't think this guy had it in him to be a parent at all.
And while some were sympathetic, most felt there was an issue here with dopamine addiction, prompting him to be more interested in screens than real-life play with his kids.
@CatholicCharm/X
@SWENGDAD/X
@nhoodpublicist/X
After receiving the backlash, Murphy posted another lengthy tweet about his feelings about fatherhood.
"Man, I always forget the fatherhood stuff goes so crazy on the internet..."
"I'm getting a lot of cruelty, but some of it is fair. Many say I need a therapist, but in fact, this is obviously way better than a therapist. Brutal, quick, concise, and free, you feel it in your bones when a hater is correct, and just ignore it when they're not."
"Here's my summary of what seems fair and coherent from the war playing out in my replies:"
"1. There probably is a dopamine issue. I probably do have a phone problem. I tried to stop working for Christmas/New Year and kind of got depressed. There's a deeper problem here."
"2. It's funny that many people have poked at the 9:00 AM time. Of course, it was a Saturday on holiday, but that's no excuse; having small kids really does require early wakeup. I've always noticed everything goes better when I do that."
"My wife wakes early with the kids, and I often work in the evening, but again, I should just be stronger anyway and also wake up earlier every day. This might be the highest-leverage immediate solution hiding in my story, and I guess I needed a few people to make fun of me to realize that."
"3. People are right to say I should not be so concerned with my own feelings and mental state. I live in my own head way too much; that is indeed unmanly and unbecoming."
"There's only one thing I will not budge on. I will always write honestly, in public, about any damn thing I want. If you never write anything that hurts or makes you look bad, then you're just not a real writer, and your judgments mean nothing to me."
"If I found my dad‘s writings from 20 years ago, and they had honest stories about the highs and lows, just raw stuff where he wasn't trying to make himself look good, but just trying to understand fatherhood honestly and thoughtfully. There's hardly anything that could make me respect him more."
You can see the second tweet here:
@jmrphy/X
All this tweet did was prompt a lot more questions about Murphy's wife as a potential "married single mother."
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While it was okay for Murphy to be honest, and it's true that parents need breaks from their responsibilities just like anyone else, even though their responsibilities involve children, it was alarming to think of his comments coming from a place of resentment and dopamine withdrawals.
If he had children before he was ready, and if he was really in a place where he only felt joy from a screen, there are far greater issues at play, with his wife already busy enough with caring for their children while he introspects.
