Historical Events So Ridiculous They Sound Made Up

Moostaken Identity

"Hannibal saved his army by tying torches to the horns of 5,000 cows and driving them in one direction."

"The Romans thought they were the enemy army and converged on them, while Hannibal quietly snuck his 10,000 man force out of the valley by another route."

~ Marxbrosburner

War Without Casualties

"That time Denmark and Canada (I think) had a 'war' over Hans island."

"Every time a Navy vessel drove by they picked up the flag of the over nation, planted their own and left a bottle of alcohol."

"I heard it stopped not that long ago."

~ FairyQueen89

"It also means that both Canada and Denmark now share a land border with more than one country."

"Also (jokingly) means that Canada could potentially join the EU, as it now borders an EU nation."

~ millijuna

Oh, 💩

"The Erfurt Latrine Disaster occurred on 26 July 1184, when Henry VI, King of Germany (later Holy Roman Emperor), held a Hoftag (informal assembly) in the Petersberg Citadel in Erfurt."

"On the morning of 26 July, the combined weight of the assembled nobles caused the wooden second story floor of the building to collapse and most of them fell through into the latrine cesspit below the ground floor, where about 60 of them drowned in liquid excrement."

~ amerkanische_Frosch

Running On Empty

"The 1904 Olympic Marathon in St. Louis."

"32 athletes took part, but only 14 were able to finish—there was only one water station in the entire 26-mile course. The 'winner' was later disqualified because they found out he drove half the race in his car."

"The new winner (the guy who came in second) had to be carried over the finish line by his trainers because they’d been dosing him the whole time with a strange mixture of strychnine, brandy, and egg whites."

"Several people almost died of internal injuries. Multiple runners stole things from passersby."

"Most people in the race weren’t even Olympic-level athletes, just amateur runners, many of whom didn’t even have to run a full marathon to qualify."

~ Blacl-Owl

Stonewalled

"When two perfectly working pistols failed to fire on US President Andrew Jackson who then beat his would-be-assassin so badly that the presidential security detail had to pull him off to save the man's life."

~ sleepwalkfromsherdog

The Log Shot First

"The guy who founded Scientology once engaged in a multi-day naval battle with a log. He would then go on to commit an act of war against Mexico."

~ Duck_Whistle

"In June 1942, Hubbard was given command of a patrol boat at the Boston Navy Yard, but he was relieved after the yard commandant wrote that Hubbard was 'not temperamentally fitted for independent command'."

"In 1943, Hubbard was given command of a submarine chaser, but only five hours into the shakedown cruise, Hubbard believed he had detected an enemy submarine. Hubbard and crew spent the next 68 hours engaged in combat."

"An investigation concluded that Hubbard had likely mistaken a 'known magnetic deposit' for an enemy sub. The following month, Hubbard unwittingly fired upon Mexican territory and was relieved of command."

"In 1944, Hubbard served aboard the USS Algol before being transferred. The night before his departure, Hubbard reported the discovery of an attempted sabotage."

"I believe he had his men fire into hills in Baja California. He must not have realized that you can’t just use another country for target practice."

~ csfshrink

Bling, Bling

"The Field of the Cloth of Gold, where King Henry VIII of England and King Francis I of France tried to out-bling each other."

"The fact that two monkeys covered in gold leaf were far from the most ostentatious display is a good indication of how tasteful it was."

~ notatravis

"I assumed you meant two statues of monkeys in gold leaf."

"But no, actual real-life monkeys. Somebody painted actual real-life monkeys gold."

~ Youre_so_damn_fat

Sorry We Can't Shoot You

"When America went to war with Spain, the Spanish forgot to tell their territory, Guam.

"The US sent a single warship to the island where they took 13 shots at the fort."

"The leaders on the island rowed out to apologize they couldn't return their 'salute' because they had no gunpowder."

"That is why Guam is a US territory."

~ Wetworth

Ribbit

"The Great Windham Frog War."

"In 1754 Windham, Connecticut was still a frontier settlement. One hot night the residents awoke to gruesome sounds that convinced them that the local Natives were attacking."

"Throughout the night they strove to drive off the attackers with steady gunfire. In the morning they crept out, to find thousands of dead frogs who had spent the night competing for the dwindling water."

"Rather than being ashamed, this has become a central part of the town’s character. The town’s symbol is a frog and the bridge is decorated with large frogs at each corner."

~ DdraigGwyn

Psych!

"Operation Mincemeat."

"Basically, the British dressed a random dead guy in a military uniform, put fake invasion plans in his pocket, and dropped him on the shore of Spain."

"The Spanish found the body (and invasion plans) and informed Germany."

"Germany, believing the invasion plans were real, sent an army to Greece—which is exactly what the Brits wanted, because they were actually going to invade Sicily."

~ ThePinkTeenager

They Got Worms

"For a very long time the Roman empire was able to acquire silk through trade over 'the silk road' to China, but never able to unlock the secrets of producing it domestically themselves."

"Until 552AD, when two monks preaching in India then travelled to China, where they witnessed the guarded methods of using the live silk worm to spin the famous thread."

"Knowing the importance of what they'd learned, the monks returned to Constantinople to report directly to the emperor Justinian."

"He personally met the monks, heard all the details of what they'd seen, then asked them to return to China and find a way of smuggling these worms back to the empire."

"They agreed, and prepared for the 2 year ~6,500km (4,000mi) trek back to China on foot, hoof and wheel."

"Once back in China they acquired either eggs or young larvae, since the adults are too delicate for transport, and tucked them into hollowed bamboo canes for the long journey straight back home."

"Once the monks made it back to Constantinople (modern Istanbul, Turkey), domestic silk production slowly ramped up and the need for long journeys along the 'silk road' ramped down."

"Over time, this allowed the same type of silk monopoly which China had enjoyed through the prior centuries to now be established in the Mediterranean, becoming one of the bedrocks of the Byzantine economy for the next 700 years.It's crazy to think about these two guys."

"1500 years before you or I were born, making their second multi-year, 6,500km trek back from China, smuggling two bamboo canes full of bugs which would fuel the economy of one of the world's largest civilizations for the next 700 years."

"I wonder if they knew and understood these possibilities when they went to scoop the worms from their baskets in China...Imagine the anxiety trying to keep them hidden and alive the whole way back!"

~ ChipHazardous

Ape 💩

"The Gombe Chimpanzee War."

"It sounds like something right out of a Planet of The Apes movie."

"The Gombe Chimpanzee War, also known as the Four-Year War, was a violent conflict between two communities of chimpanzees in Gombe Stream National Park in the Kigoma region of Tanzania between 1974 and 1978."

"The two groups were once unified in the Kasakela community. By 1974, researcher Jane Goodall noticed the community splintering."

"Over a span of eight months, a large party of chimpanzees separated themselves into the southern area of Kasakela and were renamed the Kahama community. The separatists consisted of six adult males, three adult females and their young."

"The Kasakela was left with eight adult males, twelve adult females and their young."

"During the four-year conflict, all males of the Kahama community were killed, effectively disbanding the community. The victorious Kasakela then expanded into further territory but were later repelled by two other communities of chimpanzees."

~ DeadalusJones

Hong Xiuquan Christ?

"The Taiping Rebellion (1850-1864)."

"Hong Xiuquan, who failed the imperial exam on the third try to become a civil servant, had a breakdown and dreamed that he was the brother of Jesus Christ."

"He later led a revolution resulting in between 20 to 30 million deaths. That's the bloodiest civil war in the world and the toll of death surpasses the totality of casualties in WWI."

"British diplomats at the time wanted to support the revolution but later discovered that Hong Xiuquan literally never read the Bible and they thus deemed it would be disastrous if he were to get the throne."

"This historical event feels like a fever dream everytime I hear about it."

~ Freezemoon

Pied Piper

"John 'Mad Jack' Churchill was a British officer in World War Two. He’s famous because he brought along a Scottish claymore, bagpipes, and a bow and got the 'only confirmed longbow kill of the Second World War'."

"One time he was with part of his commando unit and a shell exploded and injured everyone but him, so he played a Scottish Jacobite song on his bagpipes until the Germans captured him and sent him to a prison camp."

"He promptly escaped via a tunnel he dug and almost got to the ocean before he got recaptured."

"By then, it was April 1945, and the German military was falling apart, so they let him go pretty quickly."

"He’s famous for the quote 'any officer who goes into action without his sword is improperly dressed'."

~ 3000ghosts

What absurdly, ridiculous event would you add?