A woman who found out she was pregnant became concerned about her military boyfriend being deployed during the time of their baby's due date.
Because Redditor "armyfianceunderstres" was not getting straight answers about the boyfriend adjusting his schedule to accommodate the birth of the baby, she joined a military spouse page and made some calls to look into getting information.
Her persistence resulted in the boyfriend getting kicked off his deployment, leading him to "rethink their relationship" since she was jeopardizing the career he's worked so hard to build.
So she took to Reddit for final judgment.
"This account was strictly made to come and find out if I ATA [Am the A**hole] or if he's the AH like I think he is," wrote the Original Poster (OP).
"I (23F[emale]) have been with my fiancé (24M[ale]) for about a year and a half. He is currently in the military and has decided to make a career out of it. He is very well liked and respected."
"He got orders to deploy sometime in the future about 3 months ago. Last month I found out I was pregnant. Meaning I would be pregnant while he is gone and the due date is during his deployment."
The OP had questions as to how her fiancé can still be involved after giving birth but received nothing but vague responses.
"I kept asking him how this is suppose to work (can he stay and be here for pregnancy and do one after baby is born? Can he come home for birth and stay home?) and all he does is say that I'll be fine and he 'will see' what he can do about coming home for the birth but it's not guaranteed."
The OP then explained the incident she was referring to.
"I decided to join a local military spouse page and ask the same questions I had been asking him because I feel like he wasn't taking me seriously and there was more that could be done to get him home for the birth."
"A lot of women told me that it was up to his command and have him notify his command of the pregnancy. I asked how I could make sure he was doing that and I busted my butt off last week making calls to the people they suggested and asking questions."
But it seems her engagement with the special group set him off.
"Thursday my fiancé came home highly upset and exploded saying that my phone calls got him kicked off his deployment, that he's the laughing stock of his unit, and he needs to rethink our relationship."
"He says he can't be with a woman who would jeopardize everything he's worked so hard at and even hinted at me having an abortion."
Their time in self-isolation together was over.
"He packed a bag and moved back into his room on the base and hasn't talked to me all weekend. We were living together during quarantine."
"All of our mutual friends are calling me the a**hole because this is possibly career ending. I'm arguing that he's the a**hole for not trying to be there for me or our baby, hinting at an abortion, and for not trying to reach the proper channels about how he can be more supportive while he's deployed."
She asked AITA (Am I the A**hole) for making her fiancé miss his deployment.
Anonymous strangers on the internet were asked if and where guilt belongs by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Redditors sounded off in the comments indicating that indeed the OP was YTA.
"I'm a woman who used to be in The military, and I was also an NCO."
"There are so many ways that you are absolutely the a**hole here."
"You didn't trust him. You subverted him. You told the people he works with a respects that he is a baby that you need to do the legwork for."
"I had spouses call me, and you're not even a spouse."
"Honestly you have very little respect for him and the military. He said he was working on it, and he probably was. If you just jumped to his commander or the IG you absolutely f'ked up his career."
"Sorry. That's the truth of the matter."
"He was probably working through his official channels (his flight chief, section lead, and first sergeant) to make sure the proper contingencies were in place for when you gave birth, but instead you pulled the rug out from underneath him and made him look incompetent."
"Also the sacrifices like him not being home for your birth or pregnancies absolutely comes with being a military wife... Which you are not yet."
"I went to Korea when my daughter was 10 months old. It sucked. It was awful, but my career military aspirations gave me little choice."
"He'll probably get over I, but he has every right to be pissed." – Efficient-Leek
Pestering about changes in deployment is apparently not something to be taken lightly.
"Even if he wasn't working up the chain of command, there are some things you just dont ask for in the military. Asking to be let off a deployment, even if you have a good reason, is absolutely career ending if it is a critical station."
"And going behind your guy's back to his command is the kind of thing you do if he beats you and you want to get him in trouble. It's not something you do to get favors." – reallybirdysomedays
This Redditor sensed some manipulation going on here.
"This story screams entrapment pregnancy."
"Of course birth control and a pregnancy is the responsibility of both adults BUT I think OP didn't want her husband to be deployed, she's probably very selfish, dramatic, and controlling and decided to get pregnant as a way of keeping him here."
"His reaction of not dealing with it directly, and not wanting to give up his military career speaks volumes."
"I wouldn't be surprised if the father was already looking for an exit strategy (thus OP's 'accidental' pregnancy) and this was icing on the cake." – CallingYouOut2
Even if her intentions were not of a scheming nature, the situation was considered unfortunate.
"I didn't read it like this, that she got pregnant on purpose, but it absolutely sounds like she expected he was going to stay home if she got pregnant."
"The bit about asking him over and over about what they were going to do, it sounds like she was going to keep asking until she got the answer she wanted and not a moment before."
"And then to go and ask a facebook group of military spouses what she could do to force her husband to stay home by going to his bosses."
"I don't want to just dump this all on her, because I don't imagine he was stepping up in any way, and I'm not assuming she was trying to trap him, but it's not a good look." – avcloudy
"Honest question, how does him having a seemingly 'crazy' partner who called his supervisor jeopardize his career?"
"Can he not just explain that he's sorry she called but he's not in control of her actions and he's handling it?"
"I understand OP messed up but I don't understand how it can have such an impact on HIS career." – thiswillsoonendbadly
Redditor "dministrativeLeek" broke down the scenario and explained why the OP's reputation would jeopardize her fiancé's career.
"Imagine you are the boss."
"John and Sam work for you. Sam is OP's fiancé."
"A spot is available on a desirable course / deployment / base, and you can give it to either John or Sam."
"Would you rather give it to:"
"(1) John, who does his work without causing you any problems, or..."
"(2) Sam, whose fiancée called your boss' boss to complain the last time you tried to send Sam away on a deployment, so you had to spend a lot of time and energy to resolve the issue."
"(Btw, your own boss was not amused when Sam's fiancée called your boss' boss to complain. So if you pick Sam, then Sam's fiancée calls again to complain, your ass would be on the line too.)"
"Now repeat that thought process for every training/deployment opportunity that could help advance Sam's career, but won't, because his boss will give it to someone whose fiancée won't bother them."
"Do you see how OP screwed over her fiancé?"
"That sh*t doesn't go away. I'm not military, but I had a coworker last year that was fired because his wife was contacting his bosses and not respecting work boundaries."
"And this is a very progressive company with loose boundaries, not the regimented military." – BetterKev
The OP later admitted to not knowing "what all being with someone in the military was about."
"He would always say his job was pretty good about not deploying often so when we got the news he was leaving I was fine."
"Now that a baby is thrown in the mix I'm all over the place and I don't know how anything works."
"I thought these spouses were giving me good information and I can see that it was not good information. He still won't talk to me."
"The only thing he has said is that our relationship is beyond repair and he'll have to find a way to co-parent with me while he stays in the military."
It sounds like the OP's actions ended up causing the exact opposite outcome she was hoping for.
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