People Share Their Funniest 'Damn, I Actually Am Stupid' Experience

Glass Hunt

Me: "Hey, have you seen my glasses?"

Her: "Did you check the fridge?"

And there they are just like the 100 other times I can't find my glasses. Why do I put them in the fridge?

voice_of_craisin

Thanks "Kenny" 

My dad is a prankster. When I was about 18 he tried to convince me that Kenny Rogers owned Kroger. And it was really convincing. It didn't help that we called it Kroger's with an "s" and not Kroger, which is correct.

He kept saying, "He even named it after himself! Kenny Rogers, K. Rogers, Kroger's!" It made sense, but knowing my dad my bullcrap detector was going off so I announce that I'll find out once and for all and call the local Kroger and ask.

I called, asked for a manager. He gets on the phone and I ask if Kenny Rogers owns Krogers and relay the argument my dad gave. The dude laughs hard for a solid 2 minutes, thanks me for the best prank call he's had and hung up on me.

25 years later my dad STILL asks if I found out if Kenny Rogers own Kroger yet.

SaucySweatpants

That's Mine....

Found a lost smartphone when walking somewhere. It was the exact same model as my own phone. Dropped it off at the nearest police station so they could contact the owner. Found out later that I had dropped off my own phone instead of the one I found.

ksinvaSinnekloas

It's Us!

When someone told me they had the same name as me; I said "Really? What's your name?"

Needless to say, I felt like dying.

killmenowplsz

Heads it is....

This one time I was asked to ref a football match, was gonna flip a coin to decide which team would start. I asked for a rep from each team, asked the first guy whether he was picking heads or tails. He picked heads. I asked the other guy what he was going to pick.

Samaki_Ni_Meli

The Hazy

One particularly hazy morning I went to the cafe, paid for a cup of coffee, then promptly turned around and walked about a half mile down the block before realizing I never got my coffee.

lainelect

That sucks.

Went in to buy gas once, decided to get a fountain drink, gave the clerk a $20 bill, got in my car and promptly drove away. Was only when I looked at my fuel gauge like 10 minutes later I realized what I did.

Most expensive Dr. Pepper ever.

03throwaway03

The Humvee...

In the army I was learning how Humvees worked. You have to lock the doors from the inside by slamming down a bar. It's called combat locking the door, then you put a padlock on the driver door to secure the Humvee. My squad leader taught me a trick to reach through the window and slam down the bar instead of having to crawl through and reach the bar for each door. Then you just push the window up and you are done.

I thought I was high speed when I learned this so the next day when I was showing off my new trick, I locked all 4 Humvee doors faster than anyone! What I forgot was that you are not supposed to combat lock the driver door.... this meant the Humvee was completely combat locked and could only be unlocked from the inside. I had to disassemble an armored Humvee door which took hours and was roasted the entire time by everyone around.

Yukfoot

Hang On

I was talking on the phone with my mom.

After a while I got frustrated because I couldn't find my phone any where. I told my mom about it and she replied: "wait a second, I'll hang up and then call it so you can find it". I figured out how dumb I was as I was staring the ringing phone in my hand. We had a good laugh about it. But apple really doesn't fall far from the tree.

fantsukissa

Take the Lid Off

I used to work at a lovely deli around two, three (?) Years ago. Some of the beverages we offered was fresh, hot coffee. A gentleman walked in and asked for a coffee with lots of cream. Not a problem, says I. I pull out the cream, take the lid off, and my boss reminds me to shake it first.

Not a problem, I think again, and shake the (open, lidless carton of light cream) sending cream all over the floor, counter, fridge, etc. Everyone in the deli just stopped and stared at me for a few of the longest seconds of my life. Made me rethink so much of my life.

Silver_Tongue64

October 31st....

I said out loud. "Wouldn't it be crazy it Halloween fell on a Friday the 13th" it would be crazy because that's not how dates work.

blazebot4200

Freaking Hot Dogs

I'm from the south and dated a girl when I was younger. First time meeting her mom, in a heavy New York accent, she asked me, "you like dogs?" I said, "no thanks, I'm not hungry."

It took me way too long to realize she was talking about the two giant pets they had, which were literally in between us, and not freaking hot dogs.

cheezybreazy

Years Ago

Asked a friend what year he graduated from high school.... at our reunion.

zahnsaw

"tap, tap, tap"

During a dental appointment, my dentist asked me to bite down on this little strip of like sand paper? Not sure what it's called exactly, but she says okay now "tap, tap, tap" but while she said it, she motioned with her hands like this:👌🏽 .... what she meant was tap my teeth down on the sand paper a few times... I took it as okay I'll tap my fingers together - and just mimicked her gesture. She was trying so hard not to laugh at me when I realized what I had done.

cleanandcozy

Validation....

In my kitchen I have one cabinet for bowls and plates and another one for cups. This hasn't changed since moving into the house four years ago.

About 75% of the time, I open the wrong cabinet to get what I need. Even when I try really hard to focus on opening the right cabinet, I still regularly get it wrong.

That was the final straw that validated my stupidity.

AssDimple

Pants Off

I was preparing to run a 10K race. It was cool so I was wearing my running suit. Right before I go to the starting line, I'm about to take off the pants and I realize I'm not wearing any shorts underneath. Just Under Armour. I forgot to put them on. Somehow I managed to set a PR.

It's become a running joke (no pun intended) that I make sure I'm wearing shorts.

MHSPres

What are we doing?

My divorce finalized in early 2017.

In late 2017, I got back together with my ex-wife.

Sitting across from my ex-wife in a Mexican restaurant in late 2019 after our thousandth argument, I very calmly, but firmly, said "we're the stupidest people on the freaking planet." She agreed.

A couple days later she moved out.

CDC_

I'm Good

This conversation with my boss.

"I will be in late tomorrow. I have a doctor's appointment."

"Is everything ok?"

"Yes, why do you ask?"

tinkrman

The 6th Floor

I was 10, at a basketball tournament out of the city. I told my mother I was going to a friends room at the hotel we were staying at. He was 3 floors below the room we were staying in. I got in the elevator, and pressed floor 6. The doors closed and nothing happened. I pressed floor 6 again.

Instant panic shot through my body. Pure sweat dripping down my forehead. I was stuck in an elevator. Instantly, I had to poop. I sat on the floor for 10 minutes, accepting that this is where I was going to die. Not once did it occur to me to press the emergency button.

As I sat there and went through how I would die, I figured, I might as well press the door open button, and see if I could reset the elevator or some magnificent plan.

I pressed "door open" and the elevator doors opened, and there I was, on the sixth floor.

I immediately remembered that I was staying on the sixth floor, and pressed the same button that was the floor I was staying on... that's why it didn't move. I needed to go to the third floor.

ATransposeA

Singing Appliances

I put my phone in the freezer to charge. I remember having the thought that it would actually work. Several hours later, I couldn't find my phone. When someone called me, my brain refused to put together that the reason why my fridge was playing music was that my phone was in it. I just thought it was a feature I had missed.

x3Sheets2daWind

All Over

I said, "I'm consistent just not all the time." And it really had to be pointed out to me.

EveryDisaster