Married Couples Reveal The Relationship Secrets That No One Talks About

Secrets of a successful marriage? Why are these secrets? Shouldn't they be shared?

Truthfully, most of the secrets shared here are available from marriage counselors or self-help books, but the question is often phrased as a request to know a married couples' "secret."

So you can understand the confusion.

Reddit user Archie__reddit asked:

"What are secrets of married couples that they don’t tell anyone?"

Based on that question, I—admittedly a happily single person with a questionable sense of humor—expected very different answers, like "we buried the neighbor in our backyard after an unfortunate 4th of July illegal fireworks incident."

That’s a good reason for a married couple not to tell anybody their secret. Blabbing about the dead body buried under the begonias rarely ends well.

I also don't quite understand why marriage advice would be a secret, "they don’t tell anyone." Most people love giving out advice, unsolicited, all the time.

But Redditors assumed the questioner wanted "secrets for success" so...

Giphy

Appreciation

"Mutual respect and kindness, it doesn’t even have to be big things; a coffee made for you—say thank you and vice versa. Appreciate the little things."

~ Bi5hBa5hBo5h

Anecdotal Evidence

"I'm going to jump off of this with some anecdotes from my marriage of 11 years. We worked really hard at communication. Not everything came easy for me to talk about because I came from a difficult family background, he always created a safe space for me to open up."

"Over time, I learned that I did not have to keep anxious thoughts in my head; he was always going to create space for me to open up. If we had disagreements, we learned to talk it out because we are a team; it's us against the world."

"On mutual respect and kindness, we had many discussions about how our brains work differently and assume the best intent out of our actions or words. Neither one of us was doing anything towards each other with the intent to harm or hurt each other, and so while it took time, we were able to eliminate defensiveness from our household."

"Gratitude is a huge part of our marriage. The number of times we say thank you in a day for the little things is astounding. We are thankful for big things, too, but we are just thankful to have each other. The type of marriage we have is a true gift that not everyone gets to experience. I don't take it lightly."

~ smp6114

Blanket Thievery

"King-size bed with his and hers blankets."

"Game changer!"

~ beansandcornbread

Go To Bed

"When I was younger, people always said never go to bed angry….. my husband and I wholeheartedly disagree."

"I used to insist we talk out a disagreement before sleeping, and that just led to being tired and more emotional and staying up late. Sometimes it’s better to get sleep."

"99% of the time, sleep and space are the answer and help sort out a disagreement."

~ butterloofa

Compatible Weirdness

"Compatible weirdnesses is so important. Not the same weirdness but compatible weirdness."

"They need their weirdness, and I need mine, but I also need someone who gets my weird and can riff off of it. We have so much fun together over the smallest dumbest things. I don't think anyone could ever understand our in jokes even if we tried to explain them."

"Together since 2008. Our 10th wedding anniversary is Friday and they are still the weirdest, sexiest (in my opinion they are aging like a fine wine) absolute best partner. I am yet to meet someone who gets my weirdness the way they do, and I don't think I ever will."

~ notahighpriority

Communication

"Communicate: take time to talk to each other about your day, when we’re both home from work we spend time telling each other what happened that day. We also talk through problems before they get shifty. Silent treatment is literally the silent killer of relationships."

~ Bi5hBa5hBo5h

Private Matters

"Don’t ever insult your partner in front of your friends. Resolve your private marriage issues in private."

~ orlando_orlando

Silliness

"How weird we act together. Married people don't tell you how often they talk in funny voices to each other, or roll around together slapping their bellies and pretending to be seals, or any number of weird, silly things they do together that would make them sound childish and nuts to outsiders."

~ AgonistPhD

Roommate Rules

"Being a good spouse means being a good roommate."

"Clean up without being asked. Go to the grocery store without being asked. Replace the empty toilet paper without being asked."

~ jasonhamrick

Intimacy

"Intimacy: never stop dating each other, flirt, touch, and smooch as often as you did when you were first dating."

~ Bi5hBa5hBo5h

Like & Love

"There's no one else I would rather do anything with than my husband. I still get excited to see him at the end of the day because he is literally my person."

~ sillybanana2012

Friendship

"Marriage is a lot easier when you are best friends."

~ zamboniman46

Trust

"Trust: you are their person and they are yours, your safe space and your best friend."

~ Bi5hBa5hBo5h

Kindness

"Married people often forget to treat their partner with as much kindness as they'd treat a stranger. There's a saying that, 'familiarity breeds contempt' and it's true in so many cases."

"Don't allow it to happen. Be kind and be as understanding as much as possible. Have patience."

"My in-laws have been married for more than 60 years, and they are still so good to each other."

~ EnchantedFairyDiddle

Resentment

"Resentment kills love, if you've an issue, sort it ASAP."

~ marcpearson101

"Also, privately! I'll never understand people who insult their partners in front of other people, or have their arguments in public."

"Like, I understand the need to process issues with a friend or your mom, and it's important to do that, but I have lots of friends who just casually insult their partners to other people as a joke."

"I'm all for a little laughter about our spouse's foibles, but I would never use my partner as the butt of a joke, or say something rude to, or about them in public."

"We are a team. I chose to hitch myself to this man for life. Why on earth would I want to give everyone the impression he's an incompetent a$?"

~ siani_lane

What's a secret from a marriage that you'd never tell anyone?