Couples Explain How They Maintain A Healthly Sex Life After Marriage

People who are skeptical of the merits of marriage will often bring up the predictability of being with the same person for a long time, from developing too mundane of a routine at home to stagnancy in the bedoom.

But happily married couples have found ways to keep their love life alive, even when their marriage settles in.

Ready to take notes, Redditor Captain-Viz asked:

"How do you have an active sex life after marriage?"

Two comments frequently came up in the conversation that are not realistic for a lot of couples, either because of what they want in life or how far along they are in their relationship before reading this subReddit.

Those two pieces of life involve starting a family and maintaining a physique.

Don't Gain Weight

"Stay in shape. Get rid of the beer gut. Be a sexy person."

- bubblegum-rose

"I never understood why some couples don't understand that you do need to 'stay attractive.' At a baseline, you need to be attractive to your partner. You aren't automatically attractive."

"This doesn't mean you both need to be an Adonis, but being 50 pounds overweight and having no hobbies isn't attractive."

- Frumbleabumb

"I constantly try to stay f**kable. She constantly tries to stay f**kable. This leads us to being consistently f**kable. It's not that hard."

- AdmirableParfait3960

Don't Have Kids

"Don't have children. Live alone (with your spouse). Make sure that you've done all you can to keep extra stress off of the other; things like your share of housework, cooking, yard, bills, etc. If your spouse is stressed out then sex is less likely."

"Keep up with your health and appearance. You don't need to be Robert Redford or Scarlett Johansson but you need to be appealing to your significant other. Objectify them occasionally."

"Put in effort."

- bythog

"Kids are the worst c**k blockers."

- RackhamJack

"After marriage? No. After kids? H**l yeah. Both parents are tired, on edge, and probably out of shape. And mom is probably totally, TOTALLY touched out."

- swamp2k

Fortunately, the rest of the conversation was perfect for the couples who may have already thrown the "Don't Have Kids" and "Don't Gain Weight" pieces of advice out the window.

From actually using a planner to spicing things up, there are some gems in here!

Always Date Your Spouse

"Courtship does not end at the altar. Continue dating your spouse. Make time for them and do things that will allow them to make time for you."

"Love is a fire that requires tending, lest it go out and the embers cool."

- Rowan_Aisling

"My two cents would be to continue to actively date and court your partner, even after marriage. Most men often stop taking care of themselves and lose their identity to mold themselves around their wives and their families."

"Marriage is not easy, it takes work, and it's easy to fall into the comfort trap. Take care of yourself and don't stop investing in yourself, even after marriage, even when you think you've found 'the one.' DON'T STOP!"

"Sex is usually the bellweather, so if you stop having sex, there is probably something else going on in your marriage that needs attention."

- NeatFingers

Make Opportunities

"Wife: 'I’m hungry.'"

"Me: 'We should have sex before we eat.'"

"Wife: '...Yeah, take your pants off.'"

"And that’s about most of our conversation go."

"Wife: 'I can’t sleep.'"

"Me: 'We should have sex. You sleep better usually after sex.'"

"Wife: 'Yeah, take off your pants.'"

- I_am_Reddington

"Having the kids at school and us being able to meet up at home for lunch and extra after lunch fun helps a lot. I get up pretty early for work, so my bedtime isn't very far away from my oldest's bedtime."

- erichmatt

Prioritize It Like It Matters

"Prioritize it like you do everything else that matters. Schedule it if you have to. Spontaneity is great, but consistency keeps the fire alive. Communicate openly, try new things, laugh when it gets awkward, and don’t stop flirting just because you said, 'I do.'"

"Marriage doesn’t kill sex. Neglect does."

- JaneCaneX

Do Hobbies And Activities Together

"Showing interest and even doing things not sex related can boost desire. Being focused on what she needs and how to lower her stress levels is huge."

"It comes down to communication and putting your partner first. When you both learn those strategies, sex becomes a priority because you both crave expressing that connection."

- LiftsEatsSleeps

Staying Active As A Bonding Activity

"One thing that works for us is our active lifestyle. I work out a lot and she does her own thing. We are still trying to be the attractive versions of who we fell in love with. Working out also improves your mental well-being and also perhaps your sex drive. We also do activities together that help us bond well."

- LeporiWitch

"Seconding this, and more. My wife and I both lift weights and do some seasonal exercise like swimming. Sex is way more fun when you both have stamina and when you compliment each other's bodies from the improvements you see from exercise."

"Get couples therapy even if you don't think you have any problems - you can always improve your communication skills! Also, if you don't have strategies for dealing with life stress, your sex life will probably suffer. Get therapy and feel good!

Be honest with each other about your kinks, even if you think they are weird! If your partner is loving and supportive, it can be amazing to share your secrets!"

"Source: I have three kids, a 20-year marriage, and really amazing sex."

- canzicrans

Plan For The Fun

"You schedule. Period. As adults, more and more things happen and will take over your daily attention and energy."

"So you have to schedule and stand by it, so nothing is oversteps your events, period. You have or don't have sex. It's very straight-forward."

- ROnneth

"I always get downvoted for this for some reason, but we literally schedule sex. It's not romantic or spontaneous to do this."

"However, the act itself is, and the schedule keeps it going. My partner and I have sex four to six times per month, and we are coming up on 15 years together, so I consider that pretty good."

"Sex is like clockwork, it's fun, and we are aging, so I can't ask for much more on that front."

- agent-a**butt

Keep Communication Lines Open

"From the husband side... I've found some things that really help to make sure my wife will be in the mood for sex. I'd say this is in a list from most to least important:"

"1. Make sure I'm pulling my weight with the kids and chores."

"2. Start the foreplay early (start flirting the day before, or every day!)."

"3. Keep the flirting and grab-a**ing up as often as possible, assuming both you and your partner are into that."

"4. When you do get down... make sure she has fun too!"

"5. Cuddle and snuggle afterward to solidify the connection."

"6. Keep in shape and stay desirable to your partner."

"It's not foolproof. We've had our dry spells. But I'd say most of our relationship (15 years) we averaged close to every other day having sex."

"I just want to clear up point 3. 'Grab-a**ing' is something very specific to my relationship. My wife has a nice one, and I like to let her know. What I was trying to get at, though, is to intimately touch her to let her know you desire her. Talk to your wife about what that would look like for her!"

- Proper-Landscape-226

"This is a great list! I would add:"

"7. Let your partner know you find them desirable. Small compliments go a long way!"

"8. Non-sexual physical intimacy. When my husband tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear, I still melt into a puddle."

"9. Try not to turn down a chance for sex even if you may not be in the mood. Instead, ask your partner to help you get in the mood. This can help avoid feelings of rejection and make sure your partner continues to try to initiate. I get it, I get headaches too, but if I can help it, I try to meet him where he's at, and if I can't, then I try to make sure I initiate the next time."

- bystarla

"These are all good but d**n, number nine is important. I have the lower sex drive in our relationship, so I didn't want to have sex as often as my wife. Early in our relationship, I had said no a coupl ofe times, and my wife stopped asking."

"It took me a few weeks to realize, so I brought it up and we discussed it. This was exactly what happened, she was upset and felt rejected, so she didn't feel like initiating it again."

"Which brings me to number ten."

"10. Talk to your partner. Sit down and have a conversation about it. If you feel like you're not having sex as often as you would like or at all, then simply talk about it. It's likely you will both be able to learn more about the other and be able to make adjustments in your life to help get back to where you want to be."

- BL_RogueExplorer

Set Your Home Up For Success

"I used to think that I HATED sex. When I first met my now-husband, I remember telling him I felt like a sex camel. Like just once or twice a month, if that, and I was usually okay."

"And then he and I started dating. He cooked for me, he picked up after himself, he pulled his weight with chores, he stayed on top of bills and worked his a** off to make sure our finances were always in order. All of a sudden, it's like my brain had more free real estate to focus on sexy things."

"And he has the attitude of 'foreplay starts outside of the bedroom WAY before sex,' where he is always complimenting me, flirting with me, giving me kisses that are a little more drawn out, sending me sexy texts while I'm at work, he touches me in sexy ways that don't immediately lead to sex itself, etc."

"When all of this is added to the mix, I feel so dumb for calling myself a sex camel! Because now I CRAVE him daily. Like, it feels like my day is not complete if we aren't in the bedroom at some point every 24 hours."

"We're closing in on eight years together, and I'm seriously so much more turned on and attracted to him than I have ever been before. He keeps things exciting, we try new things, he has made me feel SO secure and comfortable with talking to him about ANY kinks/fetishes/desires/curiosities, all while also telling me what he wants to do/try/get into, which is also super sexy to hear him talk about."

"I feel like he should be teaching classes or something to other married men who are stuck in dead bedroom situations."

- SatinSaffron

Share The Emotional And Mental Labor

"I work in mental health and often speak to people about relationship dynamics in my sessions. (I'm a gay man, for what it is worth, so this is just what I often hear from female service users.)"

"Women often resent being the one 'in charge' of all things kids and domestics. We live in a world now where it is the norm for both partners to work full time, yet men often seem to think that it is mainly the woman's job to clean, cook, and look after kids. Even subconsciously."

"Many heterosexual couples have an unbalanced dynamic when it comes to this realm. Men either avoid or need to be asked every single time to do chores or admin, or other kinds of stuff. Leaving the woman with not only the work to do itself, but the mental stress of having to organise/run the house and all the schedules of children."

"This is my tip: men, if you want a good sex life with your partner. Tidy without being asked, be aware of what needs to be done to run your home, and do not treat looking after your own children like a chore or babysitting."

- cubearealness

Stay Connected

"1. Both of you should eat healthy food. Male or female, keep your testosterone up by working out. If you're not staying at a mod to super active, then chances are your sex life is not the best it could be."

"2. Know what both of you like, make an effort to reach that you both like."

"3. Hug for longer than seven to ten seconds daily. Apparently it does something for both of you, or make sure to kiss in the morning."

"4. Let your partner know when they are doing a good job so that they know what you like."

"I am almost 40, have four dogs, three kids, and a demented father-in-law (yes, he has dementia, I'm not just being mean) in my home. If I can do it, so can you."

"Some folks have different drives, but these things will generally help with that."

"Lastly, be a good friend. Continue to be their best friend. It helps a LOT."

- Mrm04

Match The One You Marry

"Marry the right person. Marry the person who matches your level of sexual needs/wants (amongst the 1000s of other reasons to factor in prior to getting married)."

"\Most men marry a woman who is about 70 percent sexually compatible with them, and they settle thinking it will get better... News flash, it won't. People who settle resent their partners years down the road for a myriad of reasons."

"If you want a nice, long, happy, and healthy sex life with your partner, find the partner that fits your physical needs."

- Cold_Navy79

"Libido and sexual ability can wildly fluctuate for both people throughout life. The real trick is to understand that if you are committing to growing old with someone, you better be prepared to go through the realities of aging, which WILL include periods of life where sex isn't going to be as frequent or even feasible at all due to mental health, physical issues, disability, illnesses, etc."

"So you better value your partner for more than just their sexual organs and be able to love being around them regardless. Using sex as your relationship glue will guarantee that things will fall apart once the hard times hit."

- Admirable-Apricot137

Share Sex Values

"Have BOTH partners be people for whom sex is naturally very important to them."

"It sounds way too simple, but there are so many couples out there struggling with intimacy where one of the partners is just not that curious or adventurous or excited about sex. It’s simply not that important to them. So then other things take up that space."

- Ordinary_Ice-796

Adjust The Relationship Along The Way

"20 years here, we're both in our 40s. Things took a dip around mid-30s. We adjusted because things aren't all about sex. The reason this one works is that we love each other. Which means we care about each other in the same way we care about the rest of our family."

"We're not just together to have sex and have a good time. We're coupled (there's a reason they call it coupling) because we're committed to our life in this world while we're alive, and even after that until one of us dies, one of us takes over everything else until we both do. Does that help you understand?"

"Sex is a tiny part of what actually matters. Life is the painting. Sex is the pencil work when your painting looks like it should be on the fridge of those that care about you enough that their canvas has been painted by the pigment of experience."

"Make sense? Sex is great when it happens. But stop putting it on a pedestal. There's much bigger fish to fry. That's where love is, it's deeper than that."

- Tiger_Widow

Marry Your Best Friend

"I always tell people we've lasted this long because at the base of our relationship, we are best friends. You want what is best for your best friend, right?"

"When things have gotten rough in our marriage, we've always had the friendship to fall back on, and then we work together to build the feeling of romance and attraction back up. I don't see that as sad, I see it as life happens, and sometimes things can dip in the relationship, and you better hope you've worked to build your communication to last through it."

"Just don't neglect yourself, tend your own 'garden', and then invite your partner in for fun! Don't be afraid to ask for help."

"(I will amend this with if your partner doesn't do much to change issues, or at least try to find a middle ground with you, then you should definitely step back and assess if they care for you the same you do for them.)"

- muffinslinger

Marriage Shouldn't Be The Hurdle

"After marriage?!? There should never be an issue."

"After kids, now that’s tricky."

- RichardGrayson_84

"Exactly, if it's bad only after marriage, it's going to zero after children."

- Clean-Ad-884

"..........Conversely, why would marriage get in the way of sex?"

- ross549

As hard as it can be to keep relationships interesting after they've lasted for a long time, these Redditors made it clear that where there's a will, there's a way. Sometimes it takes planning and ample communication, and sometimes it takes trying new things, but no matter what, if the couple wants the relationship to work, there are things they can do to ensure that happens.