"I had a client charged with battery."

"I had a client charged with battery. The alleged victim didn’t really support the prosecution’s case and in any event was reluctant to testify. They still had another witness though, and she said that my client was hitting the alleged victim, so it wasn’t looking great."

"The prosecutor and I were talking before court started, hanging out by the courtroom doors, when the witness walked in. She looked right at my client (who was sitting not five feet from me), then scanned the room and said, “Where is [client name]?”

"The prosecutor and I looked at each other for a minute, and then he said he needed to check on something. When I saw him a few minutes later, he told me he was dismissing the case."

[deleted]

Sounds like not being able to identify the defendant makes a witness not credible.

"My client was riding his motorcycle..."

"My client was riding his motorcycle on a relatively calm street when this guy exited his garage, without looking, and ran over him. In deposition, the guy brought a witness that was with him in the passenger seat. The whole time, the witness maintained that my client was driving too fast and that there was no time to brake the car."

"I asked him the same question a few times in different ways, making him tell the story again. In the fourth telling, he, already a bit frustrated, let it slip: “- Look, I’ve already told you. We were exiting the garage and, as soon as I lifted up from getting my cellphone on the car’s carpet-” “- Wait. So you didn’t even see the crash?” There was no coming back from that."

Cincosirenitas

This a case worthy of a Darwin Award. Ouch.

"Dad went on..."

"Parent termination case I was prosecuting. Dad went on how he has changed his life around and worked the AA program. Asked him what step he was on, and he proudly proclaimed 3. Asked him what step three is, he had no idea. Then asked him step two was. Again, no idea."

"Parental rights terminated."

aulstonwithnal

Got really concerned for a second there that they were terminating parents, and not their parental rights. I know, I'm silly.

"I immediately knew this was false."

"When I practiced insurance defense. Was handed a file to take over of a slip and fall. Guy tripped on a hose, tore his acl. The partner had taken the guys depo already so I read the transcript."

"I'm a Michigan football fan, watched every game for 20 years. This guy testified he was the starting safety for a certain rival for certain years. Also that he graduated with a double major that doesn't exist at that school."

"I immediately knew this was false. Partner didn't understand. Dug deeper, lied about so much stuff unrelated to the fall for no reason. Eventually found high school records from football injuries of head trauma, knee injuries, oh and a slip and fall injury a few months after ours. He also testified he rehabbed an ACL surgery after 1 month."

"Motion for fraud on the Court filed, immediately settled."

SomeGuy469

I really don't understand the people who lie about finite experiences. Like, wanna tell everybody you went to the park? Go for it, millions of people do that.

Tell everybody you played for Purdue? Not the same deal.

"I was prosecuting..."

"I was prosecuting a convenience store owner for luring a young girl, who regularly came into the store, back to a part of the store to grope/fondle and kiss her (child enticement). It was the only section of the store without surveillance camera coverage. They were in the back room for about two minutes and seventeen seconds, per the timestamp on the videos."

"Of the many arguments the defense put on, one was there was no way there was enough time for anything to happen. In my rebuttal on closing, I asked the jury to imagine what could happen in the room in that amount of time, and I asked them to all close their eyes while I timed out 2 minutes and 17 seconds on my watch, in silence."

"After about 60 seconds two of the jurors started crying. Knew it was going to be guilty right then."

BadWolf84

That was a clever idea! Not only emphasised how long the time period was but also let their imaginations run riot.

"In discovery..."

"I worked on a case involving defective processors. In discovery we got emails from the defendant’s engineers that had worked on the processors. They were in an Asian country but the emails were in English because they were going to US executives."

"One of the more senior engineers basically laid out the exact defect we were suing over, explaining what the problem was and why it was their fault, and finishing with “this is big problem, we ship CRAP to customer!”

"Needless to say we hit them over the head with that in mediation, and they settled shortly after."

[deleted]

One of the results of language differences is that when you are trying to communicate an idea and you are not confidently fluent, you avoid nuance and try for clarity. Referring to the problem as "we ship Crap to customer" is about as clear as it gets.

"When I compared..."

"When I compared the scanned copy of the deed provided by the other side's lawyers to the original my client eventually got around to providing. The scanned copy provided by the other side had a witness signature. The original did not."

WolfeCreation

Ha! This is utterly perfect. Simple and perfect.

"At a restraining order trial..."

"At a restraining order trial it was essentially my client's word versus his, regarding a sexual assault. He did a good job dressing up and acting very appropriate during most of his testimony."

"But then he was asked a series of open-ended questions and he said something to the effect that, "She kept coming up on me with that f**king p*ssy" (allegedly during a lecture) and as soon as he said it a look came on his face and the judge's face and everyone knew the ruse of respectable young gentleman had failed. I won."

BorderThug

Good job. That's what a good lawyer does — get them talking and they usually win the case for you.

"Found on tax returns..."

"Found on tax returns she had tens of thousands allocated to unreimbursed business expenses, including thousands of miles in vehicle travel. Her job was distributing the mail in a high rise to the various suite. No driving involved in the job."

katatvandy

Oh dear... you think she might have caught that.

People certainly love to run their big mouths, don't they? That's a quick way to lose a case—or win one.

Have some stories of your own? Feel free to share them with us in the comments below!