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Employees Describe Their Perfectly Legal Jobs So They Sound Totally Illegal, And We're Shook

Linguistics is a fascinating thing. Something can be denotatively the same but connotatively different, ie. the difference between a butt dial and a booty call. So when you change a few words about your job, it sounds so sketchy that you can't help but shudder.


u/weird_sex_stuff asked:

How can you describe your legal, legitimate job so it sounds illegal or sketchy?

See if you can guess what these jobs are.

A Truck In The Night

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I usually park my truck in alleyways in the middle of the night and deliver my product to my customers. No one there but me. Have keys to the buildings. Once im done, I lock it up and leave. No one sees me come or go. Easy transactions. Except when the cops show up.

boulderbrimstone

A Job We Might Not Need

I make it easier for people to make nuclear heads and rockets.

OmarAdelX

A Needed Service

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I teach people (some as young as 18) how to lie a person on a table and touch their naked body in all the right ways, then collect money for it.

protegomyeggo

The Enemy

You throw us some money every year & we promise to protect you. That is, if you read carefully...

W0mbatJuice

In These Skies

People pay me through an intermediary to make quick getaways. And I mean super quick. I break boundaries that governed man for millennia, that's how quick I go.

I don't ask any questions, hell most of the time I never even see them.

ChugLaguna

Up In Flames

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My coworkers and I break into people's homes any time, day or night, and try to find where they and their kids might be hiding. When we find them, we forcefully drag then out of their home. And they usually thank us for it after.

mtd074

La Vie En Rose

People pay me to tactically burn animals. I do it fast, I do it well, and I yell as loud as possible to let you know when your flesh is done burning. Sometimes I give them raw flesh with a raw egg on top. Sometimes I make people eat snails, and live octopus. They pay me to do this. I'm really good at cutting apart whole animals with a series of knives I carry at all times, as well. You got a dead animal? I'll cut that it up, grind it, and stuff it back inside its own innards, then let it sit room temperature for f---ing weeks until it grows mold. You people love it, and you pay me a premium.

French food is terrifying when broken down like this.

demonchefofportland

Not The Government

I watch middle schoolers all day. And I spy on their internet activity.

Marawal

Soldering Is Close

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I shove my rod into tight gaps all day. I end up going home hot and sticky.

StumpyTheGreat

Medics

I hand out drugs and sometimes stab people.

AHelmine

Axelle/Bauer-Griffin / Getty Images

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