Relationships during a honeymoon phase are usually not the best time to really get a sense of the person you're dating.
A person's charm can be deceiving since we're all trying to make a good first impression on one another.
But sometimes, the intense adoration you have for someone can prevent you from seeing who they really are. Hopefully, the person you commit to is not the kind of person who manipulates and abuses you.
Curious to hear about the clues indicating someone may not be who you think they are, Redditor HotfoxK asked:
"What are early signs of an abusive partner?"
Conversation is key to successful relationships. But these kinds of conversations are not the ones you should be having with someone you want to settle down with.
Gaslighting
"Somehow, everything is always your fault and never theirs, and they'll beat you so much with their version of the truth, you start to believe it. They will belittle your argument or dismiss it."
Refusing To Take Responsibility
"Look what you made me do."
– gor8884
"Oof this brought back bad memories. My ex would break all the things in his house and hit himself then blame me for it cos I wanted to break up with him."
No Discussion
"If you cant have a mature conversation about the relationship and what you feel you need without being told you are actually the manipulative one run because they will try to tell you that you are manipulative to manipulate you into never saying your opinion."
Don't Break Up, Or Else
"Threatening to breakup with you after every argument."
"Worse yet - threatening suicide if you break up with them."
Weary Accusations
"And when you get tired of their bs, they start accusing you of cheating/not loving them anymore. It's truly exhausting and it really messes with your head."
Removing Boundaries
"They make you start thinking your boundaries or walls are meant to come down for them - not for you."
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Refusing To Apologize
"Your feelings don't matter, and no matter what happens, everything is your fault. You're trying to talk about a problem and by the end of the conversation you're the one apologizing. My ex-boyfriend never once uttered the words, 'I'm sorry' straightforwardly. If anything, it was always, 'I'm sorry you feel that way.'"
These assertive behaviors are often associated with someone who could be abusive.
Manipulation
"Not taking no for an answer and pushing boundaries - but acting like they're pushing you as a favour to you and it's for your own good."
Being A Puppet
"Controlling behaviour - always assuming control, and undermining your ability to do anything yourself."
Feeling Insignificant
"When everything you do, they always make it sound like nothing important. Downgrading it, belittling, anything of the sort."
– arafille
Being Denied Of Having Options
"Near the end of my last relationship, i couldn't even pick the correct things when grocery shopping. He'd immediately pick it up out of the cart, and then start lecturing me about making sure I'd picked the cheapest option, you could've gotten this instead, put that back we'll get it somewhere else etc. As a grown woman, being lectured about my choice of chicken in the middle of a grocery store was super embarrassing."
"Now, I buy whatever the hell I want and it's amazing how liberating something so simple can feel."
"Compromise"
"The 'slow erosion of the self' is something that is hard to detect and sometimes the guise it tries to surface as is 'compromise.' Except when you look back you find you're the only one who has made compromises in the relationship."
Changes In Behavior
"If they behave badly towards the people they feel most comfortable with (parents, siblings, close friends)."
"They may be an absolute angel with you now that you're still in the beginning, but when they get comfortable with you too, they'll treat you the same."
No Remorse, Whatsoever
"When they show no pity or remorse for something they did that hurt you. Massive red flag."
Crazy Exes
"When every ex is 'Crazy.'"
"Every ex was crazy. Every boss ever was a d*ck. They didn't graduate, because of that one professor, who hated them after they corrected them on their mistake. Their siblings don't talk to them, because they're jealous of their success. They had friends once, but they were toxic and they don't need that kind of drama in their lives. They don't go to this and this and that place, because the bartenders are awful. Generally, the world is out to get them, because they are too nice."
When your friendships become less important than that of your significant other's.
Driving A Wedge
"They will find ways to separate you from friends and loved ones."
"Came here to tell this from personal experience."
"First they always insist to come along when you are going with your friends."
"Then they start sulking and make you feel miserable for bringing them along until you decide not to go."
"I look back and this is the biggest, brightest flag I missed."
"Ex-boyfriend: (talking to buddies) hey guys watch this. (Turns to me and says) go lay down."
"I left the room and went into the bedroom and laid on the bed... literally was treated like a dog."
Preventing Connections
"Make it difficult for you to meet/connect/spend time with family or friends."
A Package Deal
"I'd add to this - wanting to always come with you to see these people or showing up to places you didn't invite them to."
Of course, we should give the other person the benefit of the doubt when they do or say something off-putting.
But it's important to have mature conversations with your partner – especially towards the beginning of a relationship – if their irrational behavior persists.
If they are not willing to communicate, that's a huge red flag.
Because constantly being told what to do and not being able to see your friends are not ways to be in a loving relationship.
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