Halloween arrived early in this absolutely unhinged Storytime courtesy of TikToker @queenbaard, aka Ash. And yes, this one involves revenge, a deck of cards, and The Cheesecake Factory.
In a video that’s racked up more than 2.5 million views, Ash recounts the time a middle-aged woman hired her to pretend to be a witch and deliver a “sh*tty prophecy” to her ex-husband—specifically to sabotage his shiny new relationship.
Before we even get into the chaos, Ash’s bio tells you everything you need to know:
“A Lesbian that tricks men into terrible prophecies paid for by their ex - SoCal 🏄🏻♀️- Funniest Ex Girlfriend 🥇 - 💌”
If you’re wondering whether that’s satire or a legitimate business model, this story suggests... a little of both.
According to Ash, she received a message from a woman who had recently learned about this very specific service she provides—emotionally devastating men for hire. The woman, still furious over her ex’s infidelity, wanted revenge.
Not subtle revenge. Not “living well is the best revenge.” Fake witch revenge.
Ash recalls the ex-wife’s blunt proposal:
“'Um, my ex cheated on me, and I would love if you could like trick him into thinking you're a witch and giving him a sh*tty prophecy. I'll pay you.' What? You'll pay me?”
Ash, understandably, had one follow-up question: how much? The answer: $500.
And here’s where Ash’s delivery makes the story even better. She admits she usually does this kind of thing “for free.” But five hundred dollars to channel a disappointed ghost on command? We’ve all had worse side hustles.
Because Ash lives in Southern California, the trip to Los Angeles wasn’t exactly a cross-country trek. After accepting the offer, she learned one crucial detail: the ex-husband was now dating a woman 20 years younger than his former spouse. And apparently, things were serious.
The client made her mission very clear:
“'I hate the girl he cheated on me with. She's like 20 years younger, da-da-da-da-da. And she's like, and they're gonna get married. I wanna ruin it.' Sounds like you came to the right gal.”
And, frankly, she did.
Ash shows up to The Cheesecake Factory—because of course that’s where this unfolds—armed with a deck of cards and Loki-level confidence.
She explains that the cards are her gateway:
“Obviously, as you guys know, I carry a deck of cards, right? Because decks of cards, it's easy to walk up and be like, hey, do you guys want to see a magic trick? And then it's a good segue into, I'm a witch.”
It’s theatrical. It’s chaotic. It’s commitment to the bit at an elite level.
The children at the table immediately agree to the magic trick, giving Ash her opening. After performing, she gently pivots to the supernatural.
She asks the man if his father passed within the year. Then she asks if his name was George.
It was. Now, to be clear, this wasn’t psychic brilliance. The ex-wife had provided the intel. But the man didn’t know that.
According to Ash, his shock was instant:
“He's like, 'what?' I'm like, I'm kind of a witch. And I know that's like a weird thing to say and stuff. But um, anyways, I can like, you know, read, and I just wanna let you know, he's here with you right now, and he's disappointed in you. And he's like, 'what?'”
Disappointed. Not angry. Not vengeful. Just deeply, spiritually disappointed.
Then came the relationship prophecy:
"He's telling me that the woman you're choosing is not the right woman and that you're never going to be happy with her and that she's going to ruin you and steal all of your money."
Subtle? No. Effective? Apparently.
Ash says she tried to wrap things up, but the man asked her to stay. One has to assume he at least considered ordering her avocado rolls for her time. She also notes that she was recording the entire encounter to send to the ex-wife as proof of performance.
At one point, the man tests her. He asks for his father’s middle name. Again, information supplied by the ex: “Thomas.”
According to Ash, the man spirals:
“He's like, oh my God. And he said, I can't, I'm, I'm choosing the wrong woman…”
And whether this storytime is true or nah, the spell—fake as it was—appears to take hold.
The man thanks her, pulls out his phone, and calls his fiancée on the spot. Ash says she knew it was the fiancée because, once again, she had been prepped beforehand.
A few days later, Ash received a follow-up call from the ex-wife confirming the mission was accomplished. The engagement? Off.
Interestingly, Ash says she even asked whether the woman planned to get back together with him. The answer was no, because this wasn’t about reconciliation. It was about pettiness on the most epic of levels.
You can watch her TikTok below:'
Social media, unsurprisingly, was obsessed. Commenters praised Ash’s commitment to the bit, calling the stunt “iconic” and joking that she might have just unlocked a wildly niche but lucrative career path.
You can view the comments below:
@lapetitefrit3/TikTok
@username12042023/TikTok
@mzansinatural/TikTok
@strawberry.princess22/TikTok
@sades.spam24/TikTok
@psychobunn13/TikTok
@breannabryant967/TikTok
@sherlockholmes_asscheeks/TikTok
@dreantoine_/TikTok
@jaythorlove/TikTok
@sumtimezmusic/TikTok
@jackiegale583/TikTok
Ash continues to share similarly chaotic Storytimes, from fake palm readings to off-the-wall dating advice and life anecdotes, including a tattoo-on-a-plane date saga. If nothing else, she has proven that revenge may not always be sweet, but it’s occasionally worth $500 and served tableside at The Cheesecake Factory.
@EdwardLawrence/X
