Non-Religious People Share How They React When Someone Says They're 'Praying For Your Loss'

Death and loss are difficult things to live through.

Losing a loved one is something that leaves invisible scars.

Everybody copes and grief differently.

A lot of people turn to faith and prayer.

But faith and prayer don't work for everybody.

It can be difficult to walk the line of consoling others.

It's all a process.

Redditor dammtaxes wanted to hear from people whose pain can't be healed with prayer, so they asked:

If you aren't religious, how do you feel when someone says they'll pray for your loss?

Being Kind

"I think it's nice. It's their way of saying they'll keep you in their thoughts. A little preachy in certain scenarios, but well-meaning most of the time."

- SecretlySaneSparrow

Be Kind Kindness GIF by The Cool To Be Kind Project Giphy

Thank You

"I’m an atheist, not an a**hole. I appreciate it, that’s their way of showing kindness."

- dabomb2012

"I might be both. I get awkward when someone says they'll pray for me. I don't know how to respond, so I usually just get quiet. It's the equivalent of them saying they'll plant a pear tree for me. I wouldn't say thank you for that, so it seems odd to thank someone for the equivalent, regardless of how much they really believe it will help me."

- Ailly84

Good Spirits

"I'd take it in the spirit it was intended."

- Icy-Parsley4770

"Usually, the spirit as intended is 'I'm just saying something nice,' which is totally fine."

"But at least with respect to people that I know personally, when they say that they are praying for you, they are just being kind. I don't think most of these actually ever pray. They don't go to church. They don't say grace. Some of them might do those religious rite-of-passage ceremonies with their kids, but most of them don't. So most of them don't actually pray."

"So words like that, I take them as they are. They don't bother me. They're basically synonymous with 'Sorry for your loss.' Not all of the time, but much of the time."

- dmomo

Useful

"I think prayers help the person who's praying more than anyone else. It makes them feel useful. I always just say thank you and leave it at that."

- GlitteringLock1020

"This is how I feel, too. My husband is sick, and my mom always says she prays for him. It brings her comfort, & that’s what she can do from hundreds of miles away, so I just say thank you."

- Deadbeat699

"Letting someone feel useful is a lovely gift to give, even if they're not the one hurting. Perhaps they'll repay that kindness in time."

- Sybirhin

All you can offer...

"I spent months in the hospital. Ultimately needed multiple organs transplanted."

"I'm in my fifties now. This happened 14 years ago. I'm the Youngest of seven. My mom was the youngest of seven, too. So lots of old French Canadian Catholics were in my life."

"I'm really not religious at all. But they couldn't do anything else. So they got their churches to pray for me. And sometimes, when I was alone in the hospital in another state, so far away from my family, it was a comfort. People were standing together in prayer and thinking about me."

"It did make me feel less alone, I guess. It certainly didn't hurt anyone or anything, so I just said thank you."

"I imagine that feeling of helplessness is even stronger when someone dies. Sometimes it's all they can offer."

- bird9066

Gestures

"The same as if someone said, 'I'll be thinking about you.' You can be an atheist and also appreciative of a kind gesture." - Bro720

Dog Thank You GIF by MOODMAN Giphy

Make it Better

"I guess I'm the odd one out because when my brother died, it annoyed the f**k out of me. I just wanted to tell them to shove their prayers up their a**. I felt like it was just something superficial to say, not at all meaningful. I wanted someone to actually talk to me and make me feel better, not just 'thoughts and prayers,' BS."

- GodsOnlySonIsDead

I'm Here

"It's a cop out. Either help someone who needs help, or move on with your day. 'We'll pray for you' is a CYA measure to keep up appearances, unless they're actually super devout. In that case, they may believe they're making a difference, which I guess is nice."

"It's an additional layer between the person and you. If they actually wanted to help, they could just say, 'I'm here if you need me,' or find out what they can do to help you get through what you're going through. But they don't, they say 'I'll keep you in my prayers,' and you're forced to play along and say 'thank you so much.' I hope you won't take this personally. I guess I just need to vent."

- Nelsqnwithacue

Be a Friend

"When one of my gay friends came out, a mutual 'friend' told him they'd pray for him."

I know it's supposed to be 'nice' that religious people pray for you, but I still feel that was the most passive-aggressive thing I've ever heard. As if they were saying, 'That's nice that you're going to hell. Good luck.'"

"F**king evil as far as I'm concerned."

- Sproketz

CODE

"Usually feel talked down to. Most of the time, in my experience, it's people saying that so they can feel good about themselves for doing nothing."

"You want to help them? Send over some food."

"Thoughts and prayers are code, to me, for 'I'm going to exploit the situation and use it to make it seem like I'm a good person.'"

- ballskindrapes

Back Off

"I'd rather they keep it to themselves. I don't need their lifestyle choices shoved in my face."

- LaszloPanaflexxx

"Same. As long as they sound like they mean it is a nice way, I'll say thanks, but I don't tell them I'd still prefer that they would not (which is true)."

- creatingmyselfasigo

Always Sunny Shut Up GIF Giphy

Meaningless

"I find it an inappropriate thing to say unless the person saying it knows the hearer is religious also. I have found prayer is meaningless except for the prayer's own benefit of spirituality or meditative qualities. 'Praying for you,' therefore, is meaningless to me and comes across as inappropriate. It makes me cringe and want to go there by pushing back against this idea that 'thoughts and prayers' are an acceptable response to someone else's suffering, trauma, etc."

- GreenIce2022

Light a Candle

"When my mother had cancer, some of my (Catholic) friends said they'd light a candle for her."

"I'm an atheist, my mother is agnostic (grew up protestant). My friends said something like I know it means nothing to you, but this is how I believe I can show my support. They were also generally supportive as great friends, but given this was Northern Ireland, having Catholics pray for my Protestant/agnostic mother and my atheist ass made me cry with how thoughtful it was (and apparently still does)."

- lalagromedontknow

BLOCKED

"Annoyed as f**k. Most people who would learn about my losses know I'm not a fan of religion, and if they'd tell me anyway, I'd probably cut them off. They know about church related trauma and still decide to involve religion in a conversation where it has ABSOLUTELY no reason to be? Blocked."

- weirdf**kup

Let's Pray

"If it’s a passing comment from them and then something they do in private, I thank them for their kindness. It’s just their way of wishing me comfort. The one person who pushed it on me after my Dad died and tried to get me to pray with them was asked to leave my house firmly but politely when they wouldn’t take no for an answer."

- _kits_

Go Away Reaction GIF by MOODMAN Giphy

Helping people in their time of need isn't always easy.

Sometimes the sentiment doesn't always count for most.

But here we are.

We must allow people to feel how they are going to feel.

That is the most human thing to do.

Believe, don't believe, pain is universal.

If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.

To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp