Skip to content
Search AI Powered

Latest Stories

Employees Describe Their Perfectly Legal Jobs So They Sound Totally Illegal, And We're Shook

Linguistics is a fascinating thing. Something can be denotatively the same but connotatively different, ie. the difference between a butt dial and a booty call. So when you change a few words about your job, it sounds so sketchy that you can't help but shudder.


u/weird_sex_stuff asked:

How can you describe your legal, legitimate job so it sounds illegal or sketchy?

See if you can guess what these jobs are.

A Truck In The Night

Giphy

I usually park my truck in alleyways in the middle of the night and deliver my product to my customers. No one there but me. Have keys to the buildings. Once im done, I lock it up and leave. No one sees me come or go. Easy transactions. Except when the cops show up.

boulderbrimstone

A Job We Might Not Need

I make it easier for people to make nuclear heads and rockets.

OmarAdelX

A Needed Service

Giphy

I teach people (some as young as 18) how to lie a person on a table and touch their naked body in all the right ways, then collect money for it.

protegomyeggo

The Enemy

You throw us some money every year & we promise to protect you. That is, if you read carefully...

W0mbatJuice

In These Skies

People pay me through an intermediary to make quick getaways. And I mean super quick. I break boundaries that governed man for millennia, that's how quick I go.

I don't ask any questions, hell most of the time I never even see them.

ChugLaguna

Up In Flames

Giphy

My coworkers and I break into people's homes any time, day or night, and try to find where they and their kids might be hiding. When we find them, we forcefully drag then out of their home. And they usually thank us for it after.

mtd074

La Vie En Rose

People pay me to tactically burn animals. I do it fast, I do it well, and I yell as loud as possible to let you know when your flesh is done burning. Sometimes I give them raw flesh with a raw egg on top. Sometimes I make people eat snails, and live octopus. They pay me to do this. I'm really good at cutting apart whole animals with a series of knives I carry at all times, as well. You got a dead animal? I'll cut that it up, grind it, and stuff it back inside its own innards, then let it sit room temperature for f---ing weeks until it grows mold. You people love it, and you pay me a premium.

French food is terrifying when broken down like this.

demonchefofportland

Not The Government

I watch middle schoolers all day. And I spy on their internet activity.

Marawal

Soldering Is Close

Giphy

I shove my rod into tight gaps all day. I end up going home hot and sticky.

StumpyTheGreat

Medics

I hand out drugs and sometimes stab people.

AHelmine

More from Trending

Jennifer Siebel Newsom
@jennifersiebelnewsom/Instagram

Gavin Newsom's Wife Has Stark Warning For MAGA Women Who Still Support Trump—And She's Absolutely Right

Jennifer Siebel Newsom, First Partner of California, shared a message for the women of MAGA in the wake of the firings of Attorney General Pam Bondi and Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem.

The two women were the first Cabinet members of MAGA Republican President Donald Trump’s second administration to get their walking papers.

Keep Reading Show less
Donald Trump; Screenshot of Artemis II crew
Nicholas Kamm/Getty Images; @atrupar/X

Trump Tries To Blame Awkward Silence During Call With Artemis II On Technical Glitch—But The Video Says Otherwise

President Donald Trump was not fooling anyone when he blamed a supposed technical glitch for the Artemis II crew’s silence during their historic fly-by of the Moon.

Artemis II is the first mission to bring astronauts toward the Moon in over half a century, launching successfully on April 1 to the delight of space enthusiasts and the general public alike.

Keep Reading Show less
Dan Levy; Catherine O'Hara
CBS Sunday Morning/YouTube; Amy Sussman/Getty Images

Dan Levy Gets Choked Up While Visiting 'Schitt's Creek' Town For First Time Since Catherine O'Hara's Death

Dan Levy has been open about his grief after the loss of the late, great Catherine O'Hara.

Catherine O'Hara was a lot of things to a lot of people, with her versatility and willingness to create big, memorable characters that people love and cherish, from Kate McCallister to Delia Deetz to Moira Rose.

Keep Reading Show less
Laura Ingraham
Roy Rochlin/Getty Images; @lauraingraham/Instagram

Laura Ingraham Gets Blunt Reminder After Awkward Video Of Her Doing The Griddy Dance Goes Viral

After sharing a video of herself doing the "Griddy," Fox News talking head Laura Ingraham was called out for appropriating Black culture after years of attacking Black people, Black Democratic leaders, sharing racist stereotypes, and attacking their basic human rights on her program.

The Griddy is a popular celebratory dance seen in the NFL, NBA, and the game Fortnite. It was popularized by NFL players Ja'Marr Chase of the Cincinnati Bengals and Justin Jefferson of the Minnesota Vikings.

Keep Reading Show less
Domino’s delivery driver Dan Simpson is seen on a Ring camera going the extra mile during a viral Boise, Idaho delivery.
@katey_93/TikTok

Internet Steps Up To Help Out Idaho Domino's Delivery Driver Who Went The Extra Mile For Customer

It started with a missing Diet Coke and turned into a six-figure thank-you.

A 68-year-old pizza delivery worker is heading into retirement with an unexpected boost after a small act of kindness sparked a viral moment—and a wave of support from strangers who chose to pay it forward.

Keep Reading Show less