Weddings sometimes bring out the worst in people. Even your best friends. And the worst is, sometimes it really reveals their true colors, to see who these people are under stress. And it's not pretty.
u/anonmoh laid it out for us:
My [31F] best friend [30F] is a mega bridezilla and just revealed that I’m pregnant, when I haven’t even told any of my own family yet, and even though I may miscarry.
I'm the matron of honour in my best friend's wedding. When she asked me over a year ago, I was so psyched. My own wedding was very small and low key, and hers is anything but - and I was so happy to be a part of it. I love hosting parties, so I was especially looking forward to the shower and bachelorette that I could throw her.
This wedding has brought out the absolute worst in my friend. It's been an endless source of drama for the past year, and not in the way that all weddings are - it's crisis after crisis, and it came to a head this week.
I'll spare you the details of past dramas, because this post would stretch for miles, but in summary: nothing anyone does is good enough, so much work has been thrown my way that I feel completely used and burnt out, and the world revolves only around her. Example: my mom is going through chemo for a very aggressive cancer. My friend never asks how she's doing; her sole topics of conversation is the wedding and how much she hates her future in-laws. I don't expect my mom's shitty cancer to monopolize our conversation, and I'm more than happy to talk about the wedding for hours, but seriously, an inquiry to see how my mom/I am holding up would be grand.
Getting Into It
Ok, onto the actual issue. I'm eight weeks pregnant with my second child. Planned pregnancy, and the bride knew we were trying months ago and it wasn't an issue then apparently.
I told her almost as soon as I knew I was pregnant - I wanted to get ahead of it and not surprise her when we go to a dress fitting, for example, and I refuse champagne. When I told her, I swore her to secrecy. I told her I wasn't even telling my family or my husband's family until we're out of the first trimester because we've had a few miscarriages and man does it suck to have to tell your family you've miscarried. She said she understood and would keep it quiet. The wedding is in two months and my dress is a loose empire waist - no one will know I'm pregnant there, and I was happy keeping it that way.
Earlier this week we're off doing wedding things and she says casually that her future mother-in-law thinks I should be demoted to bridesmaid since I'm pregnant. My immediate response: how the hell does she know I'm pregnant? I think she was surprised I'd caught her, and she stuttered out that her fiancé told the mother-in-law. I don't think that's true, as I was on the phone later that day with her mother, who congratulated me. So now both sides of the wedding know.
I'm so incredibly pissed and hurt. These people don't know my family, so I'm not too concerned about it getting back to them, but my immediate concern is what happens if i miscarry. I'll presumably have people congratulating me at the upcoming shower, and I'll either get to grit my teeth and say thanks to avoid drama/making the shower about me, or I'll tell them what's happened and make it the shittiest shower ever. I'm so pissed right now I'm leaning to option two. Obviously I'm hoping this pregnancy sticks, but with a history of miscarriages, this is where my mind goes.
I feel betrayed. I haven't confronted her because in the moment she told me I was so shocked I froze, which is my go-to stress response. She doesn't know how hurt I am. I've realized that this is the last straw of this friendship - the entire wedding has strained us, and this event did it in.
My initial plan was ghosting after the wedding. I'll be a good matron of honour because it's the right thing to do, but after she leaves for the honeymoon, I'm going to fade away. She's so self absorbed I doubt she'll notice. But then my husband suggested I just walk out, tell her I feel betrayed, leave the wedding, and end it now. And I can't help but admit, I really, really want to - I am so angry that the thought of attending the wedding and hosting the shower makes me ill. It's complicated by the fact that despite the wedding's size, the wedding party itself is just me and the best man - there's no obvious next bridesmaid to step up if I walk.
Thoughts on what I should do? Burn this mother fucker to the ground and moonwalk outta here? Or act like a civilized human and go through with the wedding?
TLDR: mega bridezilla told everyone in her wedding I'm pregnant, even though I haven't told my family, and even though I'm at risk for a miscarriage. I'm very concerned I might have to tell all of these random people I've miscarried. More than that, I'm betrayed and hurt by her behaviour. I want to do a runner on the whole wedding and end our friendship in flames. Should I?
Edit: because there's some confusion in the comments, the bride doesn't actually want to demote me, unfortunately. That is what her mother-in-law wants, and it was told to me in a "can you believe she'd think that?" sort of way.
Edit 2: thanks all for the responses, I super appreciate it. I went into this thinking that walking was obviously the wrong choice, but I've come to feel it's justified. I'm drafting a polite, graceful-as-I-can-manage email about how I'm hurt and can't in good conscience be her matron of honour feeling like this. Again, thanks all!
Here is some of the advice she got.
You have more important things in your life right now than a selfish bridezilla who betrayed your trust. Walk away so you and your husband can focus on your pregnancy and time with your mother.
I'm so sorry she broke your trust that way. That sucks and I wish you a happy, healthy pregnancy. And I'm sorry about your mother, I hope she's responding to treatment.
I'm with your husband, walk. She's been a terrible friend to you. Do what's best for your mental and physical health, walk and don't feel any guilt over it.
"Friend, I asked you to keep that a secret. You know about the miscarriages, you know I'm upset and afraid and you told people anyway. honestly, between that and the way you've been acting in general lately, I've had to rethink our friendship. It wouldn't be right for me to be in your wedding, since at this point I no longer really see you as a friend. I wish you the best, good luck with everything."
Honestly I'd just text that to her and ignore her when she freaked out. Block her if you need to, you have your own sh*t to focus on and you don't need her stress and her bullsh*t.
despite the wedding's size, the wedding party itself is just me and the best man - there's no obvious next bridesmaid to step up if I walk.
That's her problem, not yours. Anyway:
she says casually that her future mother-in-law thinks I should be demoted to bridesmaid since I'm pregnant.
There's no way this was a "casual" aside. The bride mentioned it to test the waters, to see if you'd go, "oh wow, your MIL is right, allow me to demote myself." In any case, she clearly has someone in the wings to replace you with.
With no disrespect meant, you're only a maid-of-honour. The success of the wedding is not dependent on you. If you walk out now, your friend will throw a tantrum, will elevate someone else to the position, and the wedding will continue on as planned. Sure, she'll tank your friendship over it, but it's tanked anyway. She has no respect for you or your family. It's far better to leave now and give her two months to pick up the pieces, than to go through the next two months-worth of wedding-related events seething with anger and betrayal whilst trying to pretend you adore her.
Or act like a civilized human and go through with the wedding?
Act like a civilized, self-respecting person and send her your resignation now.
You're pregnant, your mother is going through chemotherapy and you don't need another two months of stress. Your friend will love the drama she can spin from you ending the friendship, but you can ride off to the sunset with your family and leave it all behind.
I'd drop her now. Return the dress, shoes, anything you've bought that you don't want to keep and walk out of her life. She clearly does not respect you, nor does she care for you aside from your involvement in making her wedding get to its end goal.
She sounds like she's become a wretch to have in anyone's life, and deserves nothing from you. However I think it would be important to tell her. Something along the lines of:
"I need you to understand I will not be participating in your wedding party, or wedding any longer. I understand you are excited and busy preparing for your event, however there is no reason or excuse to be so unkind and disrespectful to me and my family. I feel that I have been a good friend to you, that we were bestfriends, but your lack of empathy for my mother fighting cancer, and disrespect towards me and my husband when you told others about my early pregnancy after I swore you to secrecy has shown me that you must not consider me a friend. I am hurt beyond words and therefore must withdraw from your wedding. Take care."
I had a miscarriage and had to tell some friends and family about it because I had jumped the gun and revealed the pregnancy too early. It was awful. I can't imagine having to do that because a friend revealed your pregnancy without permission. I'm rooting for you and your baby...but if the worst happens and you miscarry you should throw your friend under the bus. Respond to congratulations by saying, "I'm sorry to say that I had a miscarriage. I've actually had several miscarriages and asked friend not to reveal the pregnancy to anyone because I didn't want to end up having this conversation. But apparently she went behind my back and told everyone. It really sucks. But enough about me, how are you?" Seriously, throw her under the bus as hard as you can.
Stress isn't going to help that baby stick. Get outta that entire situation and begin the future without her now, not later.
Wishing you all the best sticky baby vibes I can muster. No matter what the fallout is from walking away from this wedding, it will be so much healthier for you, your husband, and the baby than staying inside the dumpster fire.
My mom survived some heinous chemo too. Go take that new, extra, stress-free (relative, I mean life is intense) time and spend it on your loved ones like her.
Why wait? My ex best friend went full Bridezilla and after a phone call where she accused me of not doing enough for her as MOH in regards to "her special day" and insinuated I was jealous of her marrying some potato peeler in the military, I hung the phone up and never spoke to her again. You do not need the extra stress in your life right now.
If you were planning on ghosting her, there's no time like the present. I will say a lil prayer for anonmoh jr bc I believe good intentions help good people.
Even if you didn't have prior disappointments, you don't share other people's announcements until the second trimester and they themselves have announced it and got their praise and well wishes. What your friend did was fucked up.
More general advice? If someone threatens to demote you in the wedding party or remove you? Just say I appreciate you thinking of me in the first place but I won't be sending a gift.
If there is a time to be selfish is now, I had 3 miscarriages and I know how hard it is. I think you are really tired of this bridezilla friend and you need to relax and rest as much as you can in this period. If you managed to keep with your matron of honour duties without feeling stressed, fine. If not, I think you know the answer.
Burn it to the ground. The right thing to do is take care of yourself and offer your mom as much comfort and love as you can while she goes through chemo. I found out my mom was dying of cancer midway through my BFF's wedding planning, and she did exactly the right things. She saved mental space to ask after me and my mom regularly, she let me know I could do whatever I needed to get through that time, and while she prioritized her wedding when it was appropriate, she made sure I knew that her wedding wasn't more important than my grief. Your friend should be doing all of these things, and she's doing exactly the opposite.
I do not wish to be in your situation. What I would advise my wife if she were; do whatever will bring you less stress. That is what this will come down to. Do whatever you need to get through this pregnancy with a healthy baby.
Is leaving the wedding and having to deal with the "guilt stress" that could possibly come from a decision like that a bigger stressor? I would recommend sticking it out and finishing through with your commitment and then ending the relationship on your own terms afterwards.
If you literally have no care about whether or not you committed; is facing all those people at the wedding and dealing with the emotions connected to your betrayal is the bigger stressor? Then walk out and do your thing.
Personally, I would attend the wedding. Stick to your commitment and be the better person. After the wedding is over, you should just be honest with her. She needs to know she can't treat people like that. Let her know she broke your trust and that she's been impossible through all the planning. I think it's the healthiest way to handle it. If she doesn't care, then you can just distance yourself from her.
I bowed out of my ex-best friend's wedding many years ago and told her why (via email). No regrets. She'd become a selfish and miserable human being after high school. Truthfully, she always was that way to some degree, but I was so happy to have a best friend that I overlooked a ton of her bad behavior because I reasoned that I was hardly perfect, either. But I was so much happier with her out of my life. It was like a burden was lifted from my shoulders that was weighing me down immensely. I haven't missed her a single day.
I think you should bow out of the wedding and tell your soon-to-be-ex friend why - she hasn't supported you with your mother's illness, has become impossible to be around, nothing is ever good enough for her, constantly creates drama, and now she told everyone that you're pregnant when you specifically told her not to. Tell her you wish her well but just can't deal with the level of stress and drama she brings to everything now.
People like this rarely learn from or respond well to criticism, but she should still be told what she did to lose a long friendship. She needs to know that her behavior has consequences. Be prepared for the tantrum, the vicious list of all your faults and failings, her telling everyone she knows her own version of events where she didn't do anything wrong and you are the worst friend ever. Give her nothing but silence in return. Don't read her emails, listen to her voicemails, return her calls, whatever. Make sure to freeze her out via social media, too.
Best wishes for a healthy and stress-free pregnancy.
Putting all emotions aside, you need to do what is best for your mental and physical health, especially with a pregnancy. Stress can cause physiological responses in the body, such as increased heart rate, spiked blood pressure, lowered immune system (I could go on). Stress while you're pregnant can also be harmful to the pregnancy, causing potential health problems to your and baby. You've already suffered two miscarriages, adding stress to your body could definitely put your pregnancy in serious extra strain causing it to self-abort and result in a third miscarriage so your body can focus on your and not a baby. As hard as it would/will be to back out, it is honestly the best thing you can do for yourself and your growing family. Just explain to her that due to your previous miscarriages, you are more of a high risk pregnancy and that you need to eliminate as many unnecessary stresses in your life to focus on your health and remain relaxed.