I've written several articles about what living with autism as an adult has been like for me.
As someone who wasn't properly diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) until adulthood, I compare the experience of getting diagnosed to getting my first pair of glasses.
Despite my severe myopic astigmatism—I'm legally blind without corrective lenses—I didn't realize my eyesight was bad until I had my first eye appointment.
When the optometrist used the ophthalmic phoropter—the vision tester with all the lenses where you pick if #1 or #2 is better—it became very clear my view of the world was anything but clear.
Getting my ASD diagnosis was much the same. You don't realize your neurodivergent normal is very different than the majority of the population's normal.
Reddit user only_mostly_sane asked:
"People with autism, what did you think was normal until a nerotypical person told you otherwise?"
🎵 It's Electric 🎶
"Hearing the constant background hum of electricity in the walls."
"Once neurotypical people found out I heard this all the time—unless we had a power outage which is how I figured out what the hum was—they told me it was impossible to hear electricity."
"After my ASD diagnosis, I did a lot of research and reading of different studies. Turned out being able to hear electricity in the wiring is extremely common for people on the spectrum."
~ MohawMais
"Wait not everyone can 'hear' electricity‽‽"
"I hear every large-load item, especially when it powers on or off. I hear the songs my 3D printer sings while it's moving, and I can tell from another room when a print is going irregular/bad by the sounds alone."
"I can hear and identify sounds better than most anyone I know."
~ wahirsch
Is This Seat Taken?
"Standing around awkwardly when going over to someone's house because you're unsure if it would be rude to sit without an invitation. Even if you've been there a million times."
"And when you do sit down, you sit in the same place you always do, because it's been established that you can, in fact, sit in that specific chair."
~ purritowraptor
Fantasy Land
"I only just this year learned the term 'maladaptive daydreaming' and I had no idea it was uncommon to space out so thoroughly in one's head as to be completely oblivious to all external sensory input for an hour or longer."
~ xyanon36
"This... isn't the norm? What do people do when they're bored or have spare time?"
"If I don't have a book or don't feel like looking at my phone I'm basically playing full production movies in my head."
~ DeadUnicorn0229
"Yes, many people either daydream or think about things like their to-do list. That's why it's not just called 'daydreaming'."
"It's called maladaptive because it's to a disruptive degree. It's also seen in ADHD."
"Having a random daydream in a waiting room isn't major, if you don't miss your name being called because you're immersed in your fantasy world. Then it's a problem."
~ permalink_save
Numbers Game
"Until I was 10, I thought it was normal to rearrange numbers in my head."
"For example, if I read 907, I'll add the 9 and the 7 and push the 0 to the back and have 160."
"I explained this to my friend, and he looked at me like I escaped Arkham Asylum."
~ JohnPainis
Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say
"Believing exactly what people say when they say something, and being shocked when it turns out they didn't mean it the way they said it, and there was something in the WAY they said it that I was supposed to have picked up on."
~ sharkboi42069
"The opposite happens a lot too. Other people are not taking your own words literally."
"And this is very frustrating at times. A million times I need to tell people, 'That's not what I said'. People put words in your mouth all the time."
"People make assumptions based on what you say, or often even don't listen to what you say but they respond to the thing they think and assume that you were about to say."
"That's often with people that don't let others finish their sentences. It's like their brain already decided what others said, so they respond to that."
~ St-Quivox
Face It
"The fact that I have to consciously tell myself to show expressions during conversations."
"My inner monologue is saying, 'It's time to smile now', 'people are laughing, I need to laugh too', 'remember to look at the person talking', etc..."
"For so long, I just thought that was how people worked. Facial expressions were conscious choices, not natural reactions to stimuli."
"The fact that it comes natural for most people is still kind of hard to understand."
~ pafdoot
Just Like Me
"We didn't know I had autism when I was a kid."
"My best friend in the whole entire world was an autistic girl in the grade below me. When we became inseparable, my mom proactively explained that autistic people 'like to repeat things over and over, and are uncomfortable making eye contact'."
"I privately thought that autistic people should just do the repeating inside their heads like everyone else does (like I did). And I was horrified and deeply sympathetic that eye contact was even worse and more unpleasant for them than it already was for everyone else (or just me, it turned out).
"I was one oblivious kid."
~ 52BeesInACoat
Say what?
"Apparently, people can have conversations with others in a loud environment."
"I had my hearing checked because I just legitimately can’t hear a word people say at parties, gatherings, in crowds, etc..."
"And, yeah, my hearing is fine. It's just sensory processing disorder."
~ Br0z0
Waiting On A Friend
"I overheard my mom having a conversation when I was 14. She said I never asked my friends to hang out first; I always waited for them to ask me."
"She was right."
"I had never approached someone to be friends with me. And I never contacted my friends to chat or hang out."
"It didn't occur to me that I should do that until then."
"I made a point of going out of my way to talk to people after that because I didn't want to be seen as a weirdo."
"But yeah, I still forget that I'm supposed to want to talk to my friends."
~ Jakgr
"I pretty much forget people exist if they’re not in my immediate vicinity."
"I’ll call my mom to say hey if I think it’s been a couple days since we talked when in reality it’s been weeks since she’s heard from me."
"I’ve lost quite a few friends this way…"
~ MothSeason
Subject Matter Expert
"I thought it was normal to research my interests until I knew everything about them obsessively."
~ Neither_Bluebird_645
"Yes, this really confuses me about neurotypical people. I can't fathom how they could or why they would want to leave their knowledge 'incomplete'."
~ Foreskin_Ad9356
"Want to buy a side table?"
"Let me Google every possible side table available in my country, and measure the required height three times, and go through a process of elimination where the suitable candidate must be aesthetically pleasing as well as provide the necessary tasks I require of a side table."
"It gets f*cking exhausting at times."
~ dragonfry
No People Pleaser Here
"When I started to figure out I was autitistic a few years ago my husband commented about the fact that I don't try to make people like me."
"I was like, "what do you mean?'."
"He explained most people try to endear themselves to the people around them, such as with coworkers or inlaws."
"I was like, "I'm supposed to be doing that‽‽'."
"I didn't think it was any of my business what people thought of me, let alone that I was supposed to be trying to make people like me."
"I’m not rude or mean to people—it’s just that I’m bad at being disingenuously cheery and bubbly, and any people pleasing tendencies I have are more about getting people to leave me alone than getting people to like me."
~ StrangeFarulf
Little White Lies
"I took everything literally. I didn't pick up social cues or realise people were saying things they didn't mean just to be polite."
"It caused me to think people were liars or full of sh*t because they didn't do or say what they said they would."
"To be fair, I still do. It's something I am somewhat anal about."
"If you aren't going to do it or you don't mean it, don't say it!"
~ Reasonable_Bat_3178
Clear Parameters And Instructions
"Needing every single detail before I am put in a situation, so I could prepare properly."
"I just annoyed people asking so many questions."
~ ElectronicRain1324
"OMG, so much this! If I get told to 'just wing it' one more time, I’m going to lose the plot—in a very measured, considered way that properly expresses my frustration, without causing irreparable damage to hard won friendships, of course."
"How can people function without planning and preparing and running every possible scenario through their head so that they know what to do if that particular situation happens‽ Like, they just… make it up on the spot‽‽ How do they even do that‽"
"Before going into a shop, I have to run all the possible interactions and actions through my head to even be able to open the door. Does the door need to be pushed or pulled?"
"Which way will I turn once I’m inside, what will I say if someone asks if I need help? Am I paying with cash or card?"
"Do I make a comment on the weather, or will that seem weird? What might the cashier ask me, so I can rehearse my reply so I don’t end up standing there like a stunned mullet with a frozen slushie in place of a brain (again)?"
"And the people who want to go camping and get annoyed at me asking how big the gas tank is, will the tent fit on the roof rack, does their pot have a spout for pouring, and who is sitting where in the car because your legs need a lot more room than mine?"
"It looks like rain, is your tent waterproof, and does it have tie downs? Yeah, those people can bite me, because when they forget to bring tent pegs, I’m not offering them any of the 6 extra I brought, knowing someone would forget theirs."
"Because that would just be me rubbing in my annoying habit of 'plaaaaannnning'!"
~ RamblingReflections
Unwritten Rules
"I was baffled by people who broke 'the rules'. For me, everything and anything has a set of 'rules' and I followed them without question, beating myself up for being a terrible person if I didn't."
"I got so upset when other people just... did what they wanted... like they were cheating. I would even end friendships if I couldn't cope with their disregard of 'the rules'."
"It took years of therapy to realise that the 'rules' were in my head—quite literally I was the only one who knew them, because I had written them."
"The kicker? I can change the rules if they don't suit me, I can make exceptions to the rules, I can add caveats, and I can delete them."
"It was very liberating, but I struggle with it because I need that structure and security in order to function. It's a balancing act."
"To address the specific question—it took someone else (my therapist) to tell me. Now I understand that not everyone has rules and specifically, they dont know MY rules."
"I was shocked, because I realised how much of my life was spent resenting people who hadn't actually done anything WRONG per se, but just didn't know the rules in my head."
"I mean, how could they?"
~ amisreunis
It's OK To Say No
"It's kinda the other way around—I didn't know something was normal—because it took me well into my 20s to realise that consent could be applied to things other than sex."
"I generally don't like being touched, but my entire life people had demanded that I hug them. Friends, family, people at school, neighbours, whatever."
"When I didn't, they would blame me for it and tell me I was rude, be upset about it, and make me feel guilty because clearly 'I don't even like them', or make fun of me for hugging them weirdly."
"One time my grandma told me she was terribly depressed and wanted to die because I didn't want to hold my baby brother. Clearly that woman had her own problems."
"When I was around 25, I made a new friend and after the first time I went to her place, she tried to hug me goodbye. I was of course weird as f*ck about it."
"The next time I saw her, she apologized for it so much. I was so confused by that. Why would she apologize? Nobody else gives a sh*t that I don't like it."
"This is just another social convention that I have to put up with. It doesn't matter that I don't like it, we just have to do it, so it's fine. What else are we supposed to do?"
"It only dawned on me then, that people saying 'well, but I want to hug you' is not more important than me saying 'I don't like that'."
"And that maybe—just maybe—the entire time I was not the a**hole, but the people who forced me to do sh*t I wasn't comfortable with and then made fun of me for doing it wrong were jerks."
~ StrangeFarulf
If you're neurodivergent, what's something you thought was normal?
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