Moms have to do what moms have to do, and sometimes that includes lying. Here are 24 of the most common lies that mothers tell their children.
1/24. Sex is something only married people who love each other do.
2/24. If the 'R' in "Toys'R'Us" is backwards, it means it's closed.
3/24. My mom would always tell me I was the "easiest physical birth out of all of the kids." I felt proud until at the age of 18 I was told I was adopted.
4/24. "Oh no, Caillou got cancelled and taken off Netflix. How awful."
5/24. "I'm fine, don't worry about me".
A headache, she's fine. Doing the chores alone, she's fine no need to help.
Crying after a fight with dad, she's ok go to sleep.
Mothers are really tough. At least mine was.
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6/24. "I'll be right back", says mother as you're in the grocery check out line, as the conveyor belt proceeds to complete conveying all the groceries, and then the nice man tells you the total. All the while you curse your mother for taking you to the grocery store in the first place. Still no sight of mom.
7/24. "You can have X when you're Y years-old."
A lie, because in a few short months later your younger sibling will have the same thing.
8/24. "I love both of you equally." Pffft little brother ain't got shit on me.
9/24. "I don't know what happened to that loud obnoxious toy you love to play with every waking moment".
10/24. Come on, wake up, it's eight thirty!" Actually 8:07.
"When you're older", usually in response to some ridiculous hairstyle request.
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11/24. "You're not fat, you're just big boned."
12/24. "I'd never do [insert reckless behavior from your youth]".
Meanwhile at a family gathering my aunt tells me stories of how my mom, who was also an RA, was doing keg stands with her residents at an Ivy League school.
13/24. "I know what I'm doing".
14/24. "I took that birthday/Christmas check from Grandma and put it in your college savings fund."
There was no college fund. I had to pay for it myself. Still don't know what happened to those checks.
15/24. When my family used to go to the checkout after shopping there would be lollipops and chocolate there that you had to see to exit the shop (unlike the stuff in the candy aisle). So my mom would tell me that the checkout was where they kept all the stuff that didn't taste nice. I didn't ask for lollipops at the checkout very often.
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16/24. "If you tell me the truth, you won't get in trouble".
17/24. "I'll only be 5 minutes". This one is particularly deceptive if they are walking into a shop.
18/24. "I don't want the last piece,take it!" Just remember that most moms love their kids and will always put their wishes behind those of their kids.
19/24. "You're such a handsome boy".
20/24. That she did a great job cutting my hair.
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21/24. My parents told me that I was allergic to sugar and would die if I ate it. They even went and brought "alternative snacks" to my school teachers like carrot sticks and peanuts for them to stock up for me and hand out when the other kids got birthday cupcakes. Not the worst thing they could have done to me, but it sucked. I totally believed them until I went to visit my aunt and realized that ice cream and M&M's were F*CKING AMAZING.
But the weirdest thing was that until the 5th grade I believed in the "Halloween Fairy". I still got to dress up in a costume and go trick or treating for hours, but at the end of the night I would leave my bag of candy outside my bedroom door, and overnight the fairy would take it and leave me a new bag full of crackers and fruit snacks and other "treats" while in reality my parents just ate all my candy.
22/24. "We can do that later". Then "later" never comes!
23/24. Kid: Five minutes Mom!
Mom: NOW!
Kid: heads to the dinner table Where is dinner?
Mom: It will be ready in five minutes.
24/24. Maybe.
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