Free Hat

One time, my dad traveled 3500km to get a free hat.

Many years ago, my dad bought a very dad hat. This dad hat happened to have a lifelong guarantee, in which should the hat fail, you can bring it to any flagship store and get a free new one. After many years of good use, my dad's hat ripped and upon finding out that the only flagship store in Canada is en route to where his grandfather lived (RIP), my dad kept it for several months and arranged our travel plans to visit my great-grandfather so that we would go by the flagship store. Despite delaying our trip, my dad got a free hat.

- punkterminator

There Was No Pie

My grandfather:

Small family gathering of aunts, uncles, and cousins. Dinner has just finished and us children are still at the table when granddad pipes up, "Who wants chocolate pie?"

A whole chorus of "Me's!" go up.

Granddad: "Me too, I wish we had some!"

He wasn't kidding. There was no pie.

- Knight_Owls

White Sneakers 

He has his white sneakers for mowing the grass, his white sneakers for shoveling, and his "dress" white sneakers for fancy events.

Any attempt to get him to wear an outfit that doesn't involve cargo shorts is met with lots of complaining and arguing and bargaining to get him to put on something that isn't cargo shorts for the love of god we're going to a nice restaurant please wear actual f---ing pants

- KnittinAndBitchin

The Lending Mower

He has two lawnmowers, one for Lending, one for Using. If someone asks to borrow the lawnmower, he gives them the Lending lawnmower so nothing befalls our "good" lawnmower. It's like your grandparent's "nice" couch that only guests can use, but in reverse. And with lawnmowers.

Peak dad.

- all_ways_all_ready

Driving And Laughing

Puts a magnet in an empty soda cup and sticks it to the top of his car. Then he drives around and laughs at everyone who tries to warn him. I think he saw it on Kimmel.

- TopScruffy

He Forgot

Maybe this is a "dad thing" as my dad has gotten older... He sent me to the grocery store with his own credit card to buy groceries for the family. By the time I got there and checked out everything, the card didn't work. Turns out that my dad quickly forgot that he gave me his credit card, then discovered it was "missing" and promptly had it canceled. Still love him though.

- thecroissantwhore

Frozen Dinners

While driving us all home after dropping mom off at the airport, we stopped at the grocery store and he told us to each pick out a week's worth of frozen dinners.

- hopebirmingham

An Earth Shattering Fart

He was on a business call in his office, door closed. Sisters and I are chilling on the couches in living room. Dad comes out of the office, still on the call, and heads over to me. I think he's going to ask me for a cup of water. I was mistaken. Dad turns his back to me and lets out an earth shattering fart right into my face. Walks back into his office like nothing ever happened. I still smell it.

- dal-dal

Buyer's Remorse

Been a dad he loves the sneakers and jeans combo, and every time he finds a good pair of sneakers on sale he will buy three pairs. So when he wears out the first pair, the second comes out of the cupboard, etc.

He's currently about to wear out the third pair in his last purchase and told me he regrets not buying four pairs.

- koko_gogo

The Great Hot Saucing

Dad got home from work late. Entered the house without turning any lights on, so the only light in the open-space downstairs came from the dimmed lights in the living room. I should mention that my dad's eyesight by this time wasn't the best without glasses.

He went straight for the fridge and found a home cooked plate of enchiladas waiting for him. A true score for a tired man.

He grabbed the plate, a fork, and a bottle of hot sauce and proceeded to shake the bottle vigorously during the 20 foot walk from the fridge to the couch. He put his plate down and turned on the lights, only to find a Jackson Pollack of hot sauce ALL OVER THE F*CKING DOWNSTAIRS. Hot sauce on the ceiling, floor, couch, walls, TV, picture frames, coffee table, his clothes, and more.

"Ohhhhh f*ck me! You mother f*cking piece of sh*t!"

Dad starts cursing up a storm, which wakes up my mom.

She comes downstairs to find what looks like 32 gallons of hot sauce splattered around the house.

"It's EVERYWHERE." Mom said "everywhere" just like Gary Oldman said "EVERYONE" in The Professional.

Apparently my dad, being in a tired state, thought nothing of the fact that the hot sauce didn't have a cap when he went to remove it. He just walked across the living area while shaking a full bottle of hot sauce.

We found hot sauce around the house months later. On the remote control, behind the couch, on the TV, on outlets. It was truly the Great Hot Saucing of the Century.

- giro_di_dante

The Greatest Threat

He actually one time did turn around and go home.

- c64-forever

Hold Your Breath

We're driving past a cemetery and he goes "quick! hold your breath or you'll offend the ghosts that live there" as kids, we all play along. He proceeds to slow down to 5 mph and tells us to keep holding our breath.

- bizarregospel

Dadbrain Is So Real

He put a couple of bills he received in the mail tucked into the backside of the waist of his jeans. Forgot he put them there. Spent an afternoon rearranging the garage looking for where he put them.

- neekayvoo

Dad-Grunt

My brother sent me a 10 minute long video where he was following my dad around Lowe's. He didn't say one word to my brother the entire time, and stopped only to pick up a power tool or to slowly run his hand over some drywall before shaking his head and moving on to another stack. As they left (after buying like 20 2 x 4s for god knows what project) my dad just grabs two cokes out of the checkout fridge and handed it to my brother with nothing but a dad-grunt, not even noticing the camera.

- sweetrolljim

The Negotiation

So, I have a lot of cousins. Like, a lot. Most of them have gotten married already, and naturally, we were invited, as family do. I love weddings. There's free cake. No downside.

My dad is a very dad-y dad. He likes khakis and baseball caps, and weddings. Oh, did I mention he missed his calling as an "interpretive dancer?" My mom is the opposite. She's not much of a partier, more like an "I'll sit at the table and watch you guys have fun because that's my kind of fun" kind of gal.

The wedding happens, the food have been devoured and the dancing starts. OH BOI. My father attempts to coax my mom onto the dance floor. She refuses.

My dad begins unbuttoning his shirt to reveal his Hairy Bigfoot Chest. And shaking his hips. My dad is the whitest dad Shakira imitator. My horrified mother rushes out there, buttons up his shirt, and turns to leave. He repeats this, and FLINGS HIS SHIRT OFF.

He only stopped when my mom agreed to stay on the dance floor with him.

- kenerd24601

The Burgler

My dad once 'burgled' my sister's house trying to show her why she should lock her front door. That didn't go down too well with my sister.

Miss you Dad x

- suspecrobot

Azusa Man

In the 80s my dad was arrested and the newspaper article said "Azusa (the city he lived in) man arrested for blah blah..." so he made a shirt that says AZUSA MAN on it.

- MashandaLazarus

A Cool Dude

My dad owns a mechanic shop and works by himself. Every time we pass by it when he is not working he says "I know a cool dude that works there."

- ParmigianoReggian0

Dabbing Dad

My dad will make the "dab" hand motion, but yell out, "DAD!" instead of dab.

- WitherWithout

A Medical Condition

List "being a teenage girl" as a medical condition on a field trip form I had for school.

- Opheliac12