A TikToker who has strong opinions regarding the outward appearance of polyamorous people divided the internet when he asked followers this polarizing question:
"Why do people in open relationships always look like that?"
TikToker @realandrewbriggs continued:
"I am being very non-specific here, but you know exactly what I'm talking about."
Here's the video.
The TikToker explained:
"I just really want to know what lifestyle or behavior or really anything is happening that causes this weird correlation in looking like that and then having this desire to share your partner with other people."
"I don't understand, like, whatever that thing is that's causing this. I want to avoid that at all costs. Like, one, because I'm not interested in that kind of lifestyle."
"But two, I mean, it's just...how does this happen? I have a working theory on this, okay, and it's kind of mean. It's not my idea. Don't shoot the messenger here."
He continued:
"I saw some meme once upon a time that was like, 'Somebody will have an open relationship, just so they can date three '3's and say they're in a relationship with a '9.' "
"Unfortunately, I don't know if that's how the scale, which is nonsense, really works. You know, it's not like a cumulative thing, guys. I just don't know how this sh*t's happening."
"It's like the most confusing thing in the world to me. Never — not never — rarely have I seen an '8,' '9,' '10' in an open relationship."
"That's all I'm saying. And if you have, they're usually the shot-caller," he added.
The video went viral with over six million views.
TikTokers pitched their guesses and added to the discussion.
@realandrewbriggs/TikTok
@realandrewbriggs/TikTok
@realandrewbriggs/TikTok
@realandrewbriggs/TikTok
@realandrewbriggs/TikTok
@realandrewbriggs/TikTok
A TikToker named Maddy stitched Andrew's video to validate his observation by pointing to herself.
She succinctly weighed in with:
"...I'm polyamorous, and this guy is basically spot on. I mean... ya know? That's the end of the conversation."
Users admired her casual response.
@maddlyminnie/TikTok
@maddlyminnie/TikTok
@maddlyminnie/TikTok
In response to her short reaction video, Maddy told BuzzFeed she joined the heated conversation after noticing users getting riled up over the topic. She said she was nonplussed about the controversy and wasn't upset at all.
Maddy said her reaction was an interpretation of "looking like that" to mean poly people were "a bit alternative and open to many concepts." She also viewed the whole thing as a joke.
She continued:
"A lot of people in the comments understood it as all polyamorous people are ugly, and that's why they are polyamorous."
"But I have been involved with plenty of very hot polyamorous people, so it doesn't offend me."
@maddlyminnie/TikTok
@maddlyminnie/TikTok
Meanwhile, licensed therapist Lee Tepper didn't mince words when suggesting Andrew should reframe his question about polyamorous people, saying:
"The reason why all poly people look the same to you is because they have the aura of a person that genuinely doesn't give a f**k about what you think."
"Quick thought exercise, instead of asking, 'Why do all poly people look the same?' What if we asked ourselves, 'What do all poly people have in common?'"
They continued:
"And the answer to that is rejection of social norms and rejection of social expectations that you on the ground are reinforcing through your policing of how people look and what their appearance is."
"When they don't give a f'**k about what you think about how they look and what their appearance is. I work with a lot of poly people, and that means I also work with a lot of neurodivergent people and a lot of queer people under any alphabet of the umbrella.
"Like, the overlap is for a reason, because it is also a rejection of social norms and a rejection of expecting yourself to follow that even when you are in a community or in an environment where that is expected of you. How badass, just saying."
"And you know, I'm not poly myself—just to be clear—but I work with a lot of poly people, and you better believe I'm going to ride for them, and I'm going to say what the real tea is, because this is, like, growth."
"You know, it's like, why are we talking about this? I think you're also trying to have a roundabout conversation around how you see people's expressions of neurodivergence without the masking, without saying, 'Why do neurodivergent people look like that?'"
"Maybe it's a hot take, but that's what I'm hearing. People are allowed to have masks, and if you're uncomfortable, great, that's fine. Welcome to life in the world. Just maybe don't, like, sh*t on an entire group of people that already get sh*t on," they added.
Trolls were being trolls in the comments to their video.
@enby_therapist/TikTok
Tepper shared with BuzzFeed their thoughts on the touchy topic.
"I want to first recognize that my take on this conversation as a monogamous therapist is in the spirit of advocating on behalf of communities I'm not a part of, not speaking for them," they clarified.
The TikToker continued:
"I have seen poly and non-monogamous people respond positively, saying they get it, it's funny, and it almost feels like an inside joke."
"I think it became offensive when people started approaching the conversation with an offensive mindset."
Tepper felt compelled to weigh in after witnessing the bullying being leveled at them.
"What prompted me to make this video was the overwhelming amount of hate and bigotry present in discussions about polyamorous and non-monogamous people, particularly regarding their appearance."
"While I am monogamous myself, I specialize as a therapist in working with LGBTQIA+ individuals, many of whom hold other identities that exist outside of the hegemonic norm."
Those who agreed had their back.
@enby_therapist/TikTok
@enby_therapist/TikTok
Tepper continued, telling the media outlet:
"In my practice, I frequently see overlapping intersections of identity, including individuals who identify as LGBTQIA+, non-monogamous, neurodivergent, or those who demonstrate a strong sense of individuality and independent thought."
"I wanted to highlight—through a celebratory lens—the shared experiences that arise from rejecting social norms and expectations."
"Unfortunately, much of the conversation around these identities focuses on bad-faith criticisms, reinforcing harmful narratives rather than acknowledging the resilience and joy of self-expression," said Tepper.
"I kept seeing comments implying 'looking like that' meant a lack of personal hygiene, being visibly queer, inhabiting bodies outside of the beauty and fitness industry norms, and not respecting people's boundaries."
"People who commented on the video assuming I am poly called me 'it' and 'an example' of what the original creator who started the conversation was trying to express."
Tepper added:
"My work supporting and caring for people who are poly/non-monogamous doesn't just end at my office door; it means showing up in moments like these to—at the very least—be a voice that humanizes and uplifts these communities."
Tepper ended the discussion by encouraging users to consider this hypothetical.
"What if, instead of policing and condemning people different from ourselves, we admired the courage it takes to show up as your most authentic self?"
"I invite you to admire that, despite being marginalized, criticized, and oppressed, people continue to live as their authentic selves."
"They show up in the world in ways that make them feel most comfortable and express themselves fully, even in the face of judgment and disdain; to me, that is iconic."
Well said.
