A man in a "Friends With Benefits" (FWB) relationship became furious after the woman he accidentally got pregnant decided to keep the baby.
Raising a child was something they both were not interested in at the beginning of their arrangement.
They agreed to an abortion in the event something went wrong. However, things did not go according to plan when the unexpected happened.
The woman became pregnant and changed her mind about getting an abortion.
"I have been active with an FWB for a few months now and we agreed that I would be in charge of the contraceptive but should anything go wrong that she would get an abortion, as neither of us would be in a position to raise children properly at this stage in our lives."
"The worst did happen and she is now pregnant and came to me telling me that now that she is pregnant she feels differently about it and will no longer be getting an abortion, and more or less demanded that I should be in the child's life as it deserves a father."
The OP was livid over the betrayal and remained adamant in his position not to have a role in the child's life.
"I'm pretty pissed off about this and I told her no, I won't be in the child's life because I'm not looking to be a dad right now, and unfortunately I will be anyways but I'll pay my child support and that'll be that."
"She started to really get angry that I'd let her raise the kid alone and started insulting me saying that what sort of man would let his kid grow up without a father figure."
She continued tearing into the OP and accused him of being condescending when he told her of his unilateral decision to pay for child support.
"She kept yelling and said 'what an embarrassment you are allowing a child to not have a father' and I feel bad but i replied with 'don't bother blaming me, you're the one knowingly bringing a kid who won't have a father into this world.'"
"She started crying and screaming and I then asked her to leave."
When the OP consulted another woman about his dilemma, he did not get the reassurance he was expecting.
"After all this went down I spoke to a close female friend about it to get another perspective and she lost her sh*t, and said she didn't want to associate with me over it, but I don't feel like I'm the a** here. So, AITA?"
Many Redditors agreed that you can't force a man to be a father.
"NTA. Paying child support is all you need to do. You don't get an input on whether she gets to keep the child so you shouldn't be forced to be a father." – MidnightKing117
"If he doesn't want to be a father he doesn't have to be. He's just the sire. Other than that his body/life, his choice." – dem_paws
"I'm not sympathetic to the woman who apparently chose not to manage her own fertility--two methods of contraception are always better than one--and then feels blindsided because her sexual partner wants to maintain the already-established boundaries of their relationship."
"She can choose to be a single parent if she wants. She can't force another adult to be actively involved in parenting if she knew ahead of time that they didn't want to be." – mischiffmaker
This user suspected the friend wanted more out of their arrangement and gave voice to her inner dialogue
"Sure, we're FWB but I really like this guy. And if I got pregnant I'm SURE he wouldn't just abandon me like he said. I mean, he has to have feelings for me too, right?"
"Nope. If OP wanted you to be his girlfriend you'd be his girlfriend."
"I've seen the reverse too. Guys trying to get the woman pregnant so she doesn't leave.... because babies don't add stress to people or their relationships AT ALL." – PepperFinn
The phrase – "opts out" – became scrutinized.
"If a woman can opt out of being a parent then a man should be able to also. She wants to keep it pay for it herself. She's the one who went back on her word." – Mo_dawg1
"If she 'opts out,' there is no child. If he does, there is, it just doesn't have a father. Bit of a difference." – miezmiezmiez
"This argument makes me crazy. A woman 'opting out' means no one is a parent and no one comes into the world."
"A man 'opting out' means there's still a baby and the woman is still a parent."
"Women opt out for both, and men only opt out for themselves, so by design, those two things would NEVER be comparable." – kgberton
Nothing good comes from a father who is a reluctant parent.
"Better to not have a father than have one that is forced to be one and resents you for it." – readersanon
"I agree so much with this. My father didn't want me and he had no problem making sure I knew it. Considering the serious mess it has left me in I can say for sure that any child is better off without a parent than they'd be with a parent who resents their existence." – wickedturban
One of the comments asked if there was "some kind of thing where the father can just waive his rights and be like nope, this is not something I agree to."
This Redditor responded by invoking the "The Uniform Parentage Act" (UPA) introduced in 1973 – which protects sperm donors in cases where mothers have sued for child support.
"No, there isn't. In fact, there have been cases where courts have gone after sperm donors for child support."
"In cases like that, it is not even because the mother asked them to. It was because the mother could not support the child without financial assistance." – Royale_With_Fleas
"To be fair, like most of those cases are when a sperm 'donation' happened unofficially and the courts have no idea whether it was an actual donation or just someone who says they donated."
"You would be surprised how many people think they can just write that it is a donation and think that is legally valid. People also try and coerce pregnant women into signing documents that it was a donation, which legally wouldn't work anyway."
"It is just like people who rent without a rental agreement. You really should do this legally to prevent any f'kups but there are still plenty of people who don't." – Leprecon
The OP remains a father, but to a degree.
"Semantics, he will obviously be the biological dad. I'm a woman if it matters and I feel very strongly about a woman's right to choose."
"It seems only fair to me that a man has the ability to walk away from parenting a child, which is what this is about. Child support is required of course but that's all." – speeeblew98
Not everyone was on board with the OP having to pay child support, and the discussion that followed sparked mixed reactions over its ethics.
"Legally child support is required yeah, but by you're own logic do you not think that a man who chooses not to be a father and says so right from the get go should also the right to not have a significant portion of his income taken away?"
"I'm not saying he shouldn't have to pay it because it seems like a no brainer but I find myself conflicted." – AnnikaQuinn
"I get that thought, too. I'm also conflicted. I think it's just how it has to be. A woman gets to decide whether to have the baby, a man can decide whether to be involved. But I think child support is a risk you take when you choose to have sex." – im-a-tool
"I get that, and while I'm not implying a woman shouldn't have the right to choose and would never want that taken away, logically why wouldn't the woman also need to be aware of the risk that when she chooses to have sex there's a risk the man might want to keep the child?"
"Like I'm not advocating for anything, but it seems reasonable to at least talk about those questions." – AnnikaQuinn
"There's this thing about responsibility. When you consent to sex, you consent to the idea that a child may happen. People who have 50/50 custody don't pay child support."
"You've made a baby and don't want it? Bummer, but it's still your child. If you're not ready to be an active father, you don't have to."
"What you do have to do is take responsibility. You knew this could happen and this is the fair consequence." – PixelAgora
"If he's not the father (other than in the sperm donor sense), obviously he shouldn't have to pay it."
"If you believe the kid has a right to a basic standard of care, then you could argue that the government should implement child support programs."
"That's the entire point of taxes. But to make a man who had no choice fund a decision an independent woman made on her own makes no sense to me." – Schoenberg_
There doesn't seem to be a fair solution, which is why this is a good reminder to be cautious and consider the risks involved when having sex.