A few years ago, I went out on a date with someone who criticized what I ordered at dinner.
"You can't eat that," they said. "You better have a toothbrush. Especially if we're going to have sex later."
*record scratch*
Yes, I walked out of there. Excuse me? What in the HELL?
I've had a few bad dates in my life and that was certainly among the more memorable ones. It turns out people have plenty of dating horror stories of their own that they're just dying to get off their chests. You can thank Redditor guardedkid, who asked the online community,
"What's the worst thing someone can do on a first date?"
"I met this girl..."
"I met this girl on a dating app, she seemed pretty fun and so it didn't take long for us to make plans for a date. We went to an art museum which had wine specials on Fridays. I order a bottle (that's what the deal is on and if you get 2 glasses, you might as well get the whole bottle) and she's like "Wow, going for the whole bottle already?" So we go sit down, start the usual breaking the ice/getting to know you first date chit chat. Like three sentences in, I'm asking about what she does for work and she says "ugh, I hate small talk" and at that point, I'm just kind of flummoxed. We just met, do you really want to talk about what's stopping you from being happy?
We eventually start talking about astrology and how I don't believe in it or any kind of woo woo stuff. Turns out she does. There are some silent stretches and she has to point them out and say "awkwardddd". I would just take a drink to get through it and try to make the date go by faster. I think I drank 3/4 of the bottle. I have a pretty good tolerance but the wine made me a little loosey-goosey and I had to ask if all her dates were like this. That kind of threw her off and she was like "why would you ask me that?" - uh, because you are like the least fun person I've met and I'm making sure it's not just me.
At one point she went to the bathroom and I almost just left, but instead, I finished the bottle and waited so it at least wouldn't be completely rude. We mutually agreed there wouldn't be a second date and went on our separate ways."
Well, then.
This story certainly took me on a journey.
Umm... noted.
"I drove home..."
"Be a half-hour late, don't order any coffee from the coffee shop YOU picked, spend several hours walking around downtown telling your date about everything you hate.
I drove home cursing my life."
"Go on and on..."
"Go on and on about past relationships. That's a huge red flag and a big no for me."
Yeah, don't do that. Not a good look.
"A woman told me..."
"A woman told me she loved me on the first date. Turns out she was stalking me on social media for about 6 months prior to meeting in person."
Hi, kids.
The phrase of the day is "restraining order."
That's R...E...S...
"Show up late..."
"Show up late to the wrong location, then complain that your date is late when he goes to you then follow up with a conversation casually insinuating that your uncle, a cop, killed cats while not showing signs of disgust/reprehension."
Best Excuses For Late Assignments That Were Actually True | George Takei’s Oh Myyy
"Tell your date..."
"Tell your date point-blank within the first two minutes of the date that you are still in love with your ex, who just gave birth to your child three weeks prior, and the only reason you are out on said date is to "get back" at her."
Thanks for telling me! Time to leave!
"We agreed to split the check beforehand..."
"We agreed to split the check beforehand so there wouldn't be any issues. During dinner, he offered me a slice of his pizza and I said yes. When the bill came he calculated how much I owed for the slice and additional tax for said slice. I am all for people trying to save money, but it came across as not just cheap but that he was the type of person who would always think of himself first. Not a great first impression!"
"Pretend she dropped..."
"Pretend you dropped your fork under the table and start licking the space between your toes."
Wait, wait, WHAT.
WHAT.
"I went on a first date..."
"I went on a first date with a guy I had been talking to online. During our conversations, he mentioned that he had a phobia of feet. On the date, he acted like a self-absorbed douche so while he was mid-sentence (talking about himself) I took off my sandals and put my feet up on the chair next to him. The look on his face was priceless. When I got into my car to leave I couldn't stop laughing."
"When the bartender asked us..."
"Our second date I got hammered, hit on the bartender, and then left my number on the tab. When the bartender asked us how we knew each other, I said that she was my little sister."
I am cringing. I am cringing so, so hard. And I thought my dates were terrible. Guess there's always a silver lining to stories like these.
Have some of your own dating horror stories to share? Feel free to tell us in the comments below!
Want to "know" more? Never miss another big, odd, funny, or heartbreaking moment again. Sign up for the Knowable newsletter here.
