The Dumbest Rumors People Have Ever Heard About Themselves

As unproductive of a habit as it might be, some people are really into gossiping.

While most rumors are hurtful, every once in a while, one comes around that is so dumb that it's hilarious.

Ready for a good laugh, Redditor pointlessneedele asked:

"What is a dumb rumor you've heard about yourself?"

Building That Resume

"My parents were called into the principal's office and met with a teacher and also the superintendent of the entire school board because of a rumor that I was the high priestess of an afterschool satanic cult."

- anythingaustin

"At least you were doing extracurricular activities and developing leadership skills."

- Key-Direction-9480

No Extrinsic Motivation Needed

"They said that I accepted 10k from my ex's parents to end the relationship and cancel the wedding."

"The truth is, I did it for free to make sure they didn't end up my in-laws. I bet they would have paid it, though."

- DaddyGoose420

"My in-laws offered my husband 40K to not marry me. We went no contact with them."

"Not a rumor, though. It actually happened."

- Fabulous-highway2743

The Secret's Out!

"My five-year-old's teacher heard that I had a hairy bum."

- Lookuponthewall

"Well, do you?!"

- Bullied_pig02

"Gosh, I wonder who could have told the teacher THAT."

- unclejosephsfuton

Which Is Worse?

"I heard I was attacked by a bear."

"But no, I just have ezcema."

- wetlettuce42

"As a fellow eczema survivor, I think I'd rather take the bear."

- pushaper

Superficial Looks

"In high school, they said I got a fake ID and got a boob job because my boobs were 'too big to be natural.' Thanks?"

- Unabledcrayon

"I got picked on in seventh grade by boys who thought that I was stuffing my bra and sucking in my stomach."

"Thanks, I guess?"

- LaLaLaLeea

Celebrity Lookalike

"I heard that I was a celebrity."

"It felt cool at first, but they kept insisting that they had seen me in something. It's actually happened a couple of times."

"There was one person who wouldn't give up guessing movies."

"I was like, 'I feel like I would remember that part of my life,' but they didn't stop."

"I think I finally said, 'You guessed it!' and moved on with my day."

- Pretzelsarefrommars

Gone Too Soon

"There was a rumor that I was dead."

"A buddy of mine changed high schools back in the day, guess he thought it'd be easier to ingratiate himself by going for the sympathy vote? He told people I died in a car crash on a notoriously steep curve near my house (I didn't even have my learner's license at the time)."

"He had taken time off to go to my funeral and give a eulogy and would mention he was off to supposedly visit and comfort my family."

"Imagine the surprise when a friend of a friend who went to that school actually met me months later at a party and told me all this. They were LIVID, and I was more amused."

"I'd see him around afterward, but I never questioned or confronted him about it. He got enough crap for it when word of my status as 'alive' got around."

- capedconchshell2

"I would have walked up to him and started making ghost moaning sounds."

- Bdr1983

Vans Don't Actually Exist, So...

"I don't know why, but they said that I had never seen a van before."

- JustAddWaterForMe2

"Kids can be so cruel... and weird."

- alexjpg

Double The School

"They said I was homeschooled. I heard this rumor while I was AT SCHOOL."

- JoseCansecoMilkshake

"I would have been like, 'So, uh, can I just leave or what? I'm late for homeschool!'"

- EgregiousWeasel

A Weird Backstory

"The rumor was that I was a pig breeder."

"The rumor traveled around my office like f**king wildfire."

- SeparateStay9569

"I'm sorry, but this made me laugh. How random is that?!"

- NewtonLeibnizDilemma

"This is so f**king random, like, where's the context?"

- kai5malik

"So I think it came from me saying that when I was a child, pigs were my favourite animal. Then it morphed into this whole thing of me being a breeder, somehow?"

"It followed me around for ages. I’d be in meetings, and people I never met would be like, 'Oh, hi… am I right in saying you are the one who breeds pigs?'"

"I couldn’t get away from it, lol (laughing out loud)."

- SeparateStay9569

The Family Tree

"That I'm Russian."

"I am Canadian, I was born in Canada, and with the exception of four years, have lived my entire life in Canada. My father was in the Canadian Armed Forces. At one point, he was posted to Moscow during the USSR/Cold War years."

"After two years, we were posted back to Canada. Somehow ,the kids at our new school thought my brother and I were Russian. We don't have Russian accents. But we do have a Ukrainian last name, and we were on the east coast of Canada, where foreign names were rare. It probably didn't help that I knew how to swear in Russian and was eager to share that info."

"I don't know when they figured it out, but apparently, it took months. Apparently, they were saying things like, 'Those Russian kids sure like to wear jeans!' about us. Yeah. I am Canadian."

- mermaidpaint

So Sexist

"Like nearly every woman who's had a successful career, there were rumors that I was sleeping with the boss at two places where I worked."

- Obviously-Tomatoes

"Same! The boss was overly friendly towards me while he was a d**k to almost everybody else. Apparently, I had 'seduced' him and was trying to break up his marriage."

"All I did was do my work and try to be helpful to the team. I didn’t last in that job, and I left when the HR lady told me to go get a job 'at a corner.'"

"EVERYONE noticed his eyes constantly on me, yet somehow I was the one after him. Make it make sense."

- zzglow

Happily Ever After

"Bio mum tried starting a rumor at her church that I had run away and was having an affair with a much older married man who wouldn't allow me to talk to her because he was emotionally manipulating me when I was a teen."

"In reality, I was in foster care because she was physically abusive. The 'older man' was my foster dad, who, along with his WIFE, my foster mum, loved me unconditionally and ended up adopting me after several years."

"But that version of events wouldn't have played as well to her Bible study group..."

- EasternPoisonIvy

The Wildest Stories

"I'm an older dude with cerebral palsy. Kids will just make up stories, especially if you don't fit the mold of what they think someone with a disability 'should' look like."

"I've had a teen shyly ask if 'the rumors were true' about what happened to me?"

"I was baffled so I asked him what he'd heard."

"Ladies and gentlemen my backstory is apparently everything from a former street racer horribly injured in a car wreck, a former army ranger wounded in a firefight with the Taliban, and my personal favorite, an ex-CIA asset in witness protection."

"The kid was visibly disappointed and doubtful when I told him I was just born this way."

- midnightBloomer24

From childhood histories to how people advanced in the workplace, these rumors were full of weird, hilarious, and surprising takes.

At least in most of these cases, they could be easily laughed off, even if they were totally shocking at first.