Bringing coal back.... 

My kid excitedly told me today that he'll be saving up the coal he gets for Xmas for a barbecue. rumpsx

I was explaining to my five year old that bad kids get coal for Christmas. She of course asked what coal was. My answer was a rock that has it's uses but not to a five year old. Here's how the conversation went after that:

Daughter: Mommy. I think I'm going to be bad for Christmas.

Me: Why do you say that?

D: So this way I can get coal for Christmas and put it in my rock collection.

M: trying not to laugh why don't you just ask Santa for some.

My best friend and I are planning on having a stocking at my friend's house filled with coal as a joke. My daughter will love it. tana-ryu

Arrrrrr!!!!

Daughter was maybe 3. In church with my parents. Guy across the church had eye surgery and had a patch. During a prayer, she saw him looked at him, covered her eye and went "Arrrr" like a pirate... pastor almost laughed mid prayer. bggraber

Don't Mess Around! 

Wife was driving home with the 5 year old,

Wife : How was your day?

Son : Good, but I'm tired now.

Wife : did you play a lot?

Son : Nah, the kids at school just annoyed me. they keeep messing around.

Wife: excuse me what did you say?

Son : The kids make me tired when they mess around.

Son : damn, please don't tell dad. Marbro_za

Hey Jack! 

I asked my 6yo yesterday what he did at school and he said "jack s**t" straight back in a monotone voice without even thinking... hooray_this_sucks

Keeping it real! Reddit

We ALL love dogs!! 

Not my kid, but my sister's.

My sister was walking past my 3 year old niece's bedroom. She peaks in and sees her lying on her stomach, ankles crossed in the air, pretending to read her favorite book called I Love Dogs.

"I love dogs," reads my niece.

"This is so sweet," thinks my sister, as a page is turned.

"I f**king love dogs."

"Whoa! What did you say, Ramona?"

"I said I freaking love dogs."

The wily little kid even had the sense to censor herself. BillNye-hilist

Yo DUDE!!!

Called me dude. I taught her how to snowboard, I'm no longer dad, i'm dude when we go to the mountain and my ex is now bro (her mom). My parents were all about "respect," well this is respect to me and my heart swells with pride when I hear "DUDE DID YOU SEE THAT!? I was going so fast!"

Said what I said! 

I have twin girls, 6 years old. Last night I was in my room and heard one say something that sounded like a curse word. I asked her what she said and she told me "chips." I'm like, "oh, that's not what I thought you said."

The other twin then prances in my room, smug as hell and says, "you thought she said s**t".

Yes, yes I did. I had to contain my laughter; otherwise, she thinks it's ok for her to say. iheartcatzz

Don't mess with grown things! 

Mine did this: "Mom, is s**t a grownup word? Because I was just about to say s**t but then I remembered I'm not supposed to say grownup words, but I can't remember if s**t is a grownup word, so I need to ask you because if I am not supposed to say s**t I might get in trouble—"

I cut her off, because I am sure she would have found a way to keep swearing all afternoon if I let her. usofunnie

Damn. DAMN. DAMN!!! 

When my 3 year old put himself in time out at daycare because he figured out if he was in time out, he didn't need to help clean up.

And then the following year when we got an incident report because he yelled "damnit!!" when the fitted sheet he was trying to put on his cot kept popping off. Shadow082

Answer the question Dad!! 

I was in a queue at a big book store in the UK with my daughter who was about 6 (ish) at the time and whilst I'm in the busy queue my daughter was looking at the books on a rotating stand. Little did I know that on that stand was a small book of dirty jokes. Just as I was being served (there are about 12 people queuing across 5 tills) my sweet and innocent daughter decides to proudly show her reading and joke telling skills and shouts out "Dad, what's the best thing about a bl**job?"

Everyone in the queue started quietly chuckling whilst I'm trying to distract her and simultaneously pay and get out of the show as fast as possible. The girl behind the till was desperately trying not to laugh and looked like she was in pain. Because I didn't answer immediately my daughter repeated the question. By this point everyones shoulders were going up and down as they were silently laughing. I paid and quickly grabbed my daughter and put the book back. As we quickly moved towards the door she shouted "five minutes silence!!" To which the queues erupted with laughter while I practically ran out of the store haha! uglygargoyle