Julia Fox Casually Mentioned Someone Attacked Her With A Machete—And We Need Details

You know how it is—you're just out here living your life and suddenly someone is attacking you with a machete. It happens to the best of us, right?

No? Well that seems to be the situation model and actor Julia Fox is living in, anyway.

The star has gone mega-viral on TikTok with an utterly bizarre tale she told of being, as previously mentioned, attacked with a machete out of nowhere.

The TikTok below starts out as a fairly standard video of a celebrity showing off the wildly expensive and deeply coveted Hermès Birkin bag she owns.

Showing off the bag, a highly desirable status symbol for celebrities and ordinary rich people alike named after legendary English-French singer and actor Jane Birkin, Fox began:

"I love her, but she's been through a lot."

If you're like most people you probably assume she's going to talk about all the places she's taken the Birkin and all the events and trips and appearances it's made. Right? Well we cannot stress enough how wrong you are.

Giving a close-up of some damage to the bag's leather, Fox next said:

"She was actually attacked by a machete."

"I'm not kidding. That actually happened to this bag and me."

Fox then showed off other spots of damage to the bag, where it clearly appears to have been sliced by--well, a machete. As she put it:

"You can see a little bit from where the machete slipped and hit the side of the bag."

She then went on to say:

"I don't even know how I fu*king managed. You know I was holding on to this Birkin for my life!"

So if you're like most of us, you're on tenterhooks. What in God's name happened that Julia Fox was attacked with a machete?!

Well, we regret to inform you that that is where the video ends. It just... ends there! With no closure!

Eager to get to the bottom of this for us all, Paper magazine reached out to Fox to ask her what in the absolute hell happened here, but all she had to say in response was:

"I ain't no snitch tho."

She apparently added a shushing face emoji for extra impact.

Naturally, the whole internet has been left slack-jawed by this truly bizarre moment that only Julia Fox could pull off.

And there were even some theories about who it might have been that machete'd Fox's wildly expensive handbag.

We wish Julia Fox's Birkin a speedy recovery.