People Who've Experienced Grief Share The Most Tone-Deaf Things They've Heard

Grief, loss, trauma are all part of life. But for most people, the emotions and reactions that go with them are difficult to witness.

So they rely on platitudes to fill any holes in conversation. That's rarely a good idea.

Sometimes just listening is best. And it'll always be better than these examples.

Reddit user freyday18 asked:

"People who have experienced grief or trauma—what’s the most tone-deaf, ‘well-meaning’ thing someone said to you?"

It Could Be Better, Too

"It could be worse."

~ cebogs

"Yeah that one hits a nerve. Like cool, it could be worse, but it still sucks right now. Let people feel things for f*ck's sake."

~ Tianeona

"You are only allowed to say this to yourself, never to another person."

~ Barfignugen

Don't Make Assumptions

"When I was going through divorce, after just 2 years of marriage, the most insensitive comment I heard was: 'At least you don't have children'."

"Welp, the irony was that the reason for our divorce was because of a miscarriage and subsequent inability to have children."

"I really wish I'd put so many people in their place for those bullsh*t comments."

~ IAmA_Wolf

I'm Strong Enough, Thanks

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

"No, what doesn’t kill you seriously dysregulates your nerves, destroys your sense of safety and belonging in community, potentially devastates your emotional awareness, and makes you wary."

~ MirSydney

"To quote Bring Me the Horizon: 'What doesn’t kill you, makes you wish you were dead'."

~ thr0wwwwawayyy

Tick, Tock

"It’s been 2 weeks. Don’t you think that’s enough time?"

~ sprIxAlwareArnd6327

"100% my mum—'it’s been enough time you need to move on'. Heartbreak doesn’t have a timeline, unfortunately."

"This might be my own anxiety, but when someone tells me to 'move on,' I just hear 'we are bored of your being a Debbie downer can you fake being happy a bit harder'."

~ owlinpeagreenboat

Not The Time

"Some guy trying to hit on me while I was crying on the beach, and I told him I lost my friend that day."

"He said, 'That’s so sad.. are you single though?'."

~ brilliantbabe222

"I had a friend with benefits try to 'take my mind off things' by trying to initiate phone sex when my kid was going through a billion diagnostic tests."

~ ohdearitsrichardiii

Reasons And Plans

"'Everything happens for a reason'. I hate that phrase."

~ StartThisWay

"I DESPISE that phrase. Or equivalent 'God has a plan'."

"My mother said it to me once after my boyfriend—who she thought was my best friend since I was closeted—took his life."

"I yelled at her, saying I don't think there was any reason he should die and I shouldn't. I was almost successful in my own attempt, but for a last-minute intervention by a stranger."

"Or all manner of horrid things that happen to people. I don't give a f*ck what the plan or reason was, it's cruel and sick."

"Or it's random. Frankly, which is much more comforting to me than to know some cruel god has a reason to slaughter innocents."

~ treylathe

Thoughts & Prayers

"My dad was given weeks to live. A neighbor tried to console me—at the time, I was a 9-year-old kid—by telling me if I prayed hard enough, God would cure my dad's terminal cancer. I tried. He didn't."

~ Silly_Accident3137

"My baby sister died of leukemia when she was 18 months old. Our priest told my father and I quote: 'If you were a better Catholic, she would have lived'."

"My dad actually threatened bodily harm on the on the priest. From that day forward, I hated the Catholic church. Left the minute I turned 18."

~ Elegant-Opinion-9595

Young = All Better

"After losing a child/pregnancy: 'You're young, you can have another baby'."

"WTF‽‽ Really? People just suck."

~ Elegant-Opinion-9595

"Lucky for her, the nurse that said this to me was pushing a sedative in my IV line at the time."

~ Wild_Pineapple3848

God Given

"'God will never give you more than you can handle'."

"He has actually. More than once. And I haven’t been the same since."

"Thanks, but keep that sh*t to yourself please."

~ _Trinith_

"I’m Christian and come from a very fundamentalist family. I HATE this phrase so much, along with 'His Will will not leave you where His Grace cannot keep you'—they seem to think 'you haven’t killed yourself = it’s the grace of God/it’s bearable'."

"Like that bar is bloody low for an omnipotent being."

~ owlinpeagreenboat

'Til Death Us Do Part

"My dad dropped dead at work, and within the same month, my mom's co-workers were giving her sh*t about still wearing her wedding band. They were married over forty years."

"I told her she could do whatever she wanted to with it, just like she could when he was still alive. I get that it's until death do you part so that's the end of the legal contract, but love doesn't have an expiration date."

~ Particular-Crew5978

Thanks...

"'Life goes on'. People say this when I'm struggling with severe depression and somehow fail to realise it sounds to me in that state like they're cursing me with prolonged suffering."

"If someone in your life is in that bad a spot, just like, make cups of tea, watch their favourite shows with them. Actions that show you care because words are useless at that point."

~ ESLavall

Trio Of Bad Choices

"After my husband died. Literally right after, within the week:"

"• we are praying for you to meet someone new. (Just f*ck off already)"

"• at least he died quickly instead of suffering (he had cancer and wanted as many days as he could get)"

"• I know exactly how you feel. My girlfriend had a dog she loved that died (what the actual f*ck)"

~ Infamous_Cranberry66

God, Again?

"A relative said something along the lines of 'let go, let God' or 'God's plan' stuff to me when my mom died, and it enraged me, but I bit my tongue because I knew they meant well and taking my grief out on them wouldn't ease my grief any."

"Some years later, that relative lost a child to overdose. I'm not religious, so I would never have said 'God has a plan' to them, but the look of anguish in their eyes made me suspect that they now understood why that was such an unhelpful thing to say."

"Like, if God has a plan, and his plan included inflicting that kind of pain on so many people, then why should I be a fan of his? Can't you just give me space to feel the pain of the loss? Do I have to ask for permission?"

"Sometimes I think people say that kind of stupid, trite sh*t because they're just that uncomfortable with death, and having to sit with the bereaved in their grief for even one goddamn moment is too much for them.

"So they fill the silence with bullsh*t, rather than acknowledging their own discomfort. Then they can walk away patting themselves on the back for having been supportive."

"You want to help? Just be present in the moment, and be open to whatever the moment requires. Let the silence be."

~ iolarah

Whole Man Disposal Service

"My ex saying, 'It's just the two of us here now, do you want to have sex?'."

"After my daughter had died, hence why there was just two of us in the middle of the day."

"That was the day I stopped needing absolutely anything from him."

~ uggo23

Better Options

"As a hospice nurse, I've heard them all. I've even been guilty of saying some stupid stuff early on in my career."

"What I say now is, 'this really sucks, I'm so sorry you're going through this and I'm here to walk with you'."

~ IllustriousEffort520

"I just say, 'I'm so sorry this happened. I'm here if you need anything or just want someone to listen."

~ MohawMais

What's the worst thing you've heard someone say after a tragedy or trauma?