The math is indeed mathing for content creator Jon Shefsky, who boldly guesstimated just how many times The Walking Dead star Jeffrey Dean Morgan takes his trusty “little Lucille” for a spin.
His formula? Calluses. That’s right—Shefsky analyzed the actor’s roughened palms like an archaeologist at Pompeii and landed on a staggering number: 20 times a week.
Oh my, Jeffrey.
Now, don’t go thinking this was some sort of back-of-the-envelope math formulaic guess. From my own research, obviously, Shefsky must’ve factored in callus density, hand-to-booty ratio, the number of intimacy scenes filmed, and some derivative pulled from Morgan’s IMDb credits.
Which, naturally, leaves us with two possible answers: a Mean Girls-style ‘the limit does not exist’… or twenty handjobs. Let’s go with twenty.
You can view the hilarious Instagram Post below:
And let’s be real, this is the kind of math I failed in college, but unlike me, Shefsky actually found a way to monetize it. Respect.
Naturally, the internet did its job, and Morgan’s wife—actress and One Tree Hill legend Hilarie Burton—caught wind of the viral video and gleefully forwarded it to her husband.
For those who don’t know, now you know: Burton and Morgan first met on a blind date in 2009, finally tied the knot in 2019, and now share two kids, Augustus ‘Gus’ and Georgia Virginia—proof that sometimes Hollywood blind dates end in cute family photos, and not tabloid disasters.
Morgan, never one to let a good ribbing pass him by, fired back on Instagram:
“DYING. I know this because I couldn’t even decipher wtf she was trying to type…. She was Laughing too hard."
"It’s some interesting research. I can’t confirm nor deny the 20 A WEEK?!?!"
"That’s a heavy workload for anyone… much less an old fart who’s married to a smoking hot younger lady and either on set or being a dad/farmer. TWENTY?!”
Sir, this isn’t just math. This is cardio.
And while Morgan is busy playing Negan—terrorizing widows or making goo-goo eyes at Lauren Cohan on The Walking Dead: Dead City—he’s also hosting NBC’s new global competition series Destination X. Think The Amazing Race, but with more altitude sickness. Contestants willingly fling themselves out of planes while I break a sweat parallel parking in the middle of rush hour.
You can view the trailer for the show here:
- YouTubeNBC/YouTube
Morgan, still in good spirits, signed off with:
“Cheers to ME! Bravo dude. We do appreciate a good laugh even if at my expense! Keep up the solid research!”
@jeffreydeanmorgan/Instagram
And honestly, while Shefsky’s math is impressive, maybe he could also explain how Morgan’s character Denny managed ghost-sex with Izzie Stevens in Grey’s Anatomy Season 5. Shonda, we have so many questions and not enough answers.
For social media context, Shefsky is no amateur in the highly unregulated field of celebrity-masturbation math. His previous “Jacket Report” findings? Joseph Quinn clocked in at 23 times per week, Nathan Fielder at a modest 8, and Shrek—yes, the ogre—at a jaw-dropping 26. Fiona has every right to be both proud and alarmed.
You can watch his Shrek take here:
- YouTube@JonShefsky/YouTube
The internet, of course, lost its collective mind—half the comments were questioning what a "jack it" is, the other half were congratulating Morgan’s hand regimen like he’d just run a marathon without leaving the couch.
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When he’s not calculating which star or fictional character is single-handedly keeping the tissue and lotion economy afloat, Shefsky moonlights as a comedian-turned-real estate agent in Southern California. He also sells pep talks on Cameo—because apparently knowing Shrek’s weekly stroke count is now a transferable job skill.
As for Morgan, he’s booked and busy. Dead City just wrapped Season 2 and starts filming Season 3 this fall in Boston. He’s also headlining Prime Video’s upcoming YA series Sterling Point—and no, still no word on whether he’ll make another alter-ego appearance on The Boys.
Until then, the internet will keep doing what it does best: diagnosing calluses like dermatologists, calculating porn stats like accountants, and dragging IMDb pages like it’s an Olympic sport.
Because honestly, Trump’s 2025 is bleak enough—let us have this puh-lease.
