Straight men of the world, the day has finally come! At long last, you can eat hot dogs without people picturing you performing oral sex.
All you need is the Glizzy Gripper.
What is a Glizzy Gripper and why on Earth is it named that? Well, we can't answer the latter question, but as to the former, it's a privacy screen for your weiner (the kind you eat in public, with like ketchup and stuff, not the other kind that you eat in private), and it comes to us via Unnecessary Inventions.
Take a look at this revolutionary new innovation.
I invented the Glizzy Gripper. A hot dog holder with a privacy screen for people who don't like to be watched while… https://t.co/u6ch78zwHY— Unnecessary Inventions (@Unnecessary Inventions)1601584747.0
No longer will you need to question your masculinity or sexual orientation just because you like to put long cylinders of meat in your mouth.
Now you may be wondering, who, for the love of God, asked for this? The answer is (hopefully, at least) absolutely no one.
It's just the latest exploit of inventor Matt Benedetto, a Burlington, Vermont gay man who specializes in "designing products to solve problems that don't exist," according to his Twitter bio.
If you've ever wanted a Nuggie Necklace—a necklace that holds your chicken nuggets—or a scarf from which you can sip egg nog, Benedetto is your guy. His totally needless innovations for human life that literally no one asked for are so incredible, he's even been featured on The Kelly Clarkson Show.
At first glance, the Glizzy Gripper may seem like the most ridiculous Unnecessary Invention of all. But given the much talked-about study that showed straight men won't even wear a mask during a global pandemic because they're afraid of looking weak, is it really that much of a stretch to think chomping on wieners gives them pause?
People on Twitter, certainly didn't think so!
And they made sure that uptight straight men were the butt of this wiener joke.
fellas, is it gay to consume sustenance? https://t.co/TvRwxHo7Py— alex (@alex)1601592792.0
@rainygay1 @mattyxb That little lick at the beginning https://t.co/wOeeTmmPy8— 𝕹𝖎𝖈𝖔𝖑𝖊 🔞 🌹♏🏳️⚧️ (@𝕹𝖎𝖈𝖔𝖑𝖊 🔞 🌹♏🏳️⚧️)1601598581.0
@mattyxb Sigh, MAYBE if I had this when I was younger I wouldn’t have turned out GAY 😳— Gucio Jim-Powęska (@Gucio Jim-Powęska)1601601541.0
I refuse to believe men are this fragile 😂😂😂😂 https://t.co/502fDbUzwc— Ms. Deathwish ♿ says #BIackLivesMatter (@Ms. Deathwish ♿ says #BIackLivesMatter)1601632629.0
But some were far more focused on the Glizzy Gripper's glaring design flaws.
@mattyxb Me walking around to the other side https://t.co/F01gQByORN— She’s Rich (@She’s Rich)1601591568.0
@mattyxb But the people on the other side can still see— Ashley (@Ashley)1601587440.0
@daisukes_wife @mattyxb You eat while rotating your body to cover all angles— underground mental hoe (@underground mental hoe)1601601378.0
@mattyxb we can still see what that throat doing the way you dislocated your jaw for every bite tells us everything we need to know— 💗 Black Girl Acid 💗 (@💗 Black Girl Acid 💗)1601595019.0
Unfortunately, it's not actually going to market any time soon. Like all of Benedetto's unnecessary inventions, the Glizzy Gripper is just another way for him to have fun with 3D printing.
Guess straight guys will just have to keep gobbling wieners the normal way, like the rest of us.