Wedding planning can be stressful even if you and your intended agree on everything.
That stress is compounded when differences of opinion or vision come up.
It's compounded even further when you refuse to budge and the difference leans on an insecurity.
One groom-to-be is finding all of this out the hard way thanks to a fundamental difference in vision between himself and his fiancee.
He went to Reddit for advice after a conversation about the bridal party ended with locked doors, crying and his brother telling him he was being a jerk.
Groom's Face Be Like:
The situation started when the future bride and groom finally got around to discussing the details of the bridal party. The groom was a popular guy who has maintained close friendships throughout his life.
He was convinced it had always been plainly obvious that his four childhood friends, his best friend from college and his brother would all be groomsmen.
That's six groomsmen.
The bride, however, had seriously different thoughts. She envisioned a much smaller bridal party of three each.
According to her, this would allow for a more intimate experience and give the couple the financial space to get really good gifts for the wedding party as opposed to smaller things.
On the one hand, we get it.
We want all of our closest friends with us on our big day. But also the bride has a point.
Plenty of celebrities don't have a 12-person wedding party. The wedding would have to be massive and extravagant for that many people to make sense.
The groom, unwilling to budge on his six-man party, pointed out that they both make good money and can totally afford good gifts for twelve people.
This is when things go ... shall we say, sideways?
The bride-to-be started crying and flabbergastedly asked if she was supposed to just ask total strangers to be in her bridal party. It turns out she doesn't have many close female friends.
By "not many" we mean one.
One singular female friend. In her mind, her bridesmaids would be her one friend, her step sister and her first cousin.
Groom knew this, but he says it was clear that he needed (yes, needed) all six men as his groomsmen. The bride-to-be got snarky and apologized for not having enough friends.
Groom-to-be called his brother; who promptly told him he was an idiot.
And that, folks, brings us to Reddit. The groom posted wanting other people's opinions on whether or not he was the jerk in this situation.
Here is his post:
"So my fiancé (30F) and I (33M) have been engaged now for a couple months. We haven't talked too much about the wedding and all but tonight she brought up our wedding party."
"I was excited to talk about this because I have many close male friends and a brother. I told her I wanted my 4 childhood friends, my best friend from college and my brother to be my best man."
"She told me this was way too many people. She had always wanted a small wedding party of 3 each. She wanted to be able to buy kind of expensive gifts for each person we asked to be in the party and she said that having 12 people to buy gifts for was way too much."
"I told her we could easily afford the gifts she had in mind for 12 people because we both do very well and both had large savings that we would be using for the wedding. This sent her into tears. She got very upset about this and asked me what she was suppose to do, ask strangers to be in her bridal party?"
"You see my wife does not have a lot of female friends. She planned her bridal party to be her best friend (only female friend) and her step sister and her 1st cousin."
"I felt bad this was upsetting her so badly but I always thought that it was obvious I was going to need these people in my wedding party."
"We argued a little bit until she sarcastically apologized for not having enough friends for me. She went to our room and locked the door still crying and refuses to answer me or open up."
"I don't think I've really done anything wrong but when I called my brother and told him he said I was being an ass. He told me she was obviously very self conscious about her lack of friends and it was hurting her feelings. I told him I didn't want to hurt any of my friends feelings by picking between them and he told me didn't know what to tell me."
"Am I the a$ for wanting to dig my feet in and make sure all my friends are in my wedding party?"
- bakznsin
Reddit isn't exactly known for holding back, so they told him exactly what they thought about the situation... but that doesn't mean everyone agreed.
Of course not.
It wouldn't be the internet if everyone agreed.
"You're prioritizing the assumed feelings of your friends over the expressed feelings of your future wife." - Professional_Parsnip
"I'm also wondering whether fiancee has some guy friends who would be bridesmen. OP, you two have as many options here as you can dream up. Does she have more guy friends than gal friends?" - stink3rbelle
Hey that second suggestion had some serious merit.
There's no rule that says the groomsmen have to be all male or that bridesmaids have to be all female. Bridesmen and groomsmaids can totally be a thing and that opens up the floor to so many wonderful gender-nonconforming friends to join in on the act!
Alas, the bride-to-be shot that idea down because it would be "unconventional" and that's just not her thing.
So back to the drawing board Reddit went.
"Is it going to be more hurtful for OP to have less groomsmen standing at the front of the wedding or is it going to be more painful for his future wife to have the fact that she doesn't have many friends rubbed in at her wedding day? I don't know man, I do think his wish to include all his friends is understandable, but not at the expense of making his partner unhappy." - KuhBus
"You want something, she wants something else, it's all tied up with a lot of feelings. Welcome to marriage. You don't happen to have a sister or two do you? It's a nice symbol to have siblings as attendants to the other person. Alternatively, let your friends know what's going on and the stress it's creating. You may find that some of them would be interested in being involved in the ceremony in other ways: reading a passage, acting as a ring bearer (I know I have some friends who would have a lot of fun with that) that kind of thing. You can still invite them to the bachelor party and treat them like an important part of the ceremony without them being groomsmen." - TehFunnyMans
And before you know it... an idea began to gain some serious traction.
"Is it really that necessary to have an even number in the wedding party? I've been to a few where there were uneven numbers on either side and it's such a non issue. If you're doing a processional or whatever it's called just have a bridesmaid walk with two groomsmen. IMO that's way preferable than asking people you're not that close with to be in your wedding party for the sake of having an even number, or kicking out people you want to stand up with you." - DixielandDisaster
"We had 6 groomsmen and 3 bridesmaids. They walked down two guys to a girl. No issues whatsoever." - JHudson1525
"I agree that it's basically a non-issue. I'm in the same boat as his fiance where I don't have many female friends, so my husband had two more groomsmen than I had bridesmaids when we got married.
I was worried it would make the pictures look odd or that maybe someone would say something about it (I'm also very self-conscious about the lack of friends), but... no one ever did and the pictures were still great! And as a bonus, my husband got to have all of his friends and brothers at his side, plus some pretty cute photos of them all together, dressed-up, and having a great time." - WombatHats
"You should have the people you care about in your wedding, and so should she. But why does it matter if the sides are uneven?? This is the traditional bull about weddings that pisses me off. Why can't she have 3 people on her side while you have 6? Big whoop, the sides are asymmetrical. So are my tits. So is life. Let's all get over it." - SplintersApprentice
We don't know what the bride and groom will choose to do in the end, but we know one thing ... this is certainly going to set a precedent for how things will be handled in the marriage.
We hope the two can work together to find a solution that works for everyone.
Looking for some guidance planning a wedding? The book The Realist Bride: Everything You Really Need To Know To Plan Your Wedding is available here.
******
Have you listened to the first season of George Takei's podcast, 'Oh Myyy Pod!'?
In season one we explored the racially charged videos that have taken the internet by storm.
We're hard at work on season two so be sure to subscribe here so you don't miss it when it goes live.
Here's one of our favorite episodes from season one. Enjoy!
@EdwardLawrence/X