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Dad Asks If He's Wrong For Not Telling His Current Wife That He Had A Vasectomy After His First Marriage

Dad Asks If He's Wrong For Not Telling His Current Wife That He Had A Vasectomy After His First Marriage
Luana Ciavattella/EyeEm/Getty Images

Each of us can make independent decisions about our own bodies.

But if someone makes the decision not to tell their partner of a decision they made, it could cause trouble in the future.

One guy learned this, after having a vasectomy after his first marriage and not telling his second wife about it.

Redditor "PartyYogurtcloset7" wrote into the "Am I the A**hole?" subReddit, asking if he was in the wrong for not informing his current wife of his decision.

He asked the thread:

"AITA for not telling my wife I had a vasectomy?"

He explained how he and his wife have tried to have a baby, while his wife doesn't know about the vasectomy.

"I've been married to my wife for two years now and she's always wanted to have a child with me. She mentions it often. I've even been 'trying' to have one with her."
"The problem is that I've had a vasectomy and she doesn't know."

His wife almost found out when his ex-wife stopped by.

"My ex wife came over and dropped off our 3 kids 9, 5 and 4. And she's pregnant by her now husband. Well her and my wife were talking about her new baby and if she knew the gender."
"Now my ex knows that I've been fixed as I did so after our youngest was born."
"Well my wife says 'I can't wait to be pregnant, we've been trying to have a baby with no luck but it will happen when God allows it' my ex just smiled and she then looked at me and I knew what she was thinking with the look she gave me."

Though she didn't say anything, his ex-wife later texted him with some advice.

"Later she texted me and told me I needed to tell my wife the truth and that she had baby fever and it was cruel to give her false hopes and pretty much called me an A**hole."

He wrote into Reddit, wondering about his wife's feelings.

"So AITA? I know it's a little dishonest but it would break my wife's heart to know the truth."

His fellow Redditors responded to his question, using the following scale:

  • NTA: "Not the A**hole"
  • YTA: "You're the A**hole"
  • ESH: "Everybody Sucks Here"
  • NAH: "No A**holes Here"

One Redditor pointed out that it's entirely okay to not want kids or more kids. But to be deceptive about it is another matter.

"It is NEVER an a**hole thing to not want kids. Just be honest with partners about it so there aren't false expectations!" - sometimesiamdead

Some Redditors think it's really messed up that he never told his wife about the vasectomy, let alone led her to believe that they were "trying" for a baby.

"I mean, honestly, what was his plan there? Just gonna keep up the charade until she hit menopause and then shrug "oh well, we tried". And let her sail off into her golden years with no children thinking she's a barren woman."
"I never had children, I never wanted children, it's not like it's objectively a bad thing...For someone who CHOOSES it. This woman doesn't choose that. JFC." - Sheila_Monarch"
"Not to mention how messed up it is that he keeps having sex with her under the pretence of 'trying to conceive' when he knows full well that s**t ain't gonna happen. Holy cow dude, YTA in a major way." - dramatic-pancake
"How long was he going to let this go on?? Until she's on the table for various fertility related tests, none of which are pleasant or cheap? Jesus. Major YTA." - DigitalPelvis
"Agreed. The worst sort of YTA. I read an article online about a woman who'd found out he'd had a vasectomy before they married, knowing that she wanted children, after months of her using all sorts of fertility drugs that have drastic, lifelong effects. He let her suffer through unnecessary treatments, pain, and monthly disappointments."
"Is that the sort of 'man' you are, OP? How far would be too far to take your cruel game?"
"Edited to add, with any luck, knowing the poor excuse of a human being you are, your ex-wife will give you wife a phone call." - TacoInWaiting

Some can only imagine what this will eventually do to the wife's mental health.

"Not to mention just the sheer amount of her time he's wasted and continuing to waste. Had he been honest from the get go she may have just been okay with alternative methods of conceiving. IVF, sperm donor, etc. Now he has her thinking SHE is the one with a fertility issue. Gaslighting to the ten thousandth degree man." - theobviousbiscuit
"It's such a delicate thing to start with, and if she's been actively trying, thinking that everything is fine, imagine if she goes to her doctor with her concerns. She'll think something is wrong with her because he already has three children."
"This guy's a supreme a**hole." - WillingAnxiety
"It's sexual deception and borders on coercion. She's having sex to conceive, he's actively lying about it to her, the premises that underlie their sexual exchange are based on his lies, this truly is some f**ked up sexually coercive bulls**t." - resting_bettcch_face

Not to mention where it will leave their marriage.

"Not to mention, when she eventually finds out, it's probably gonna ruin their marriage and her mental health even more. The person who's supposed to be her partner in life is actively lying to her about something huge like that. That'd make it almost impossible to trust/believe someone in the future." - mlampton

One Redditor even shared their story of how they had been in the wife's shoes, wishing for children.

"This is my story. I had raised his two kids to adulthood while begging the entire 10 years for my own child. He would always say it wasn't the right time or some other excuse. Then he tells me that his kids are almost adults and he doesnt want to start over."
"10 years in and I left, at 40 years old to try to have a child of my own. I couldn't be on my deathbed wondering 'what if.' After I left, he told me the truth. He had it done just prior to our marriage."
"All I wanted was to have a child of my own and be called Mom instead of by my first name. I had 2 surgeries thinking it was me and the whole time he knew."
"That level of betrayal has changed my DNA. I feel robbed. 3 years has passed since I left and my window to conceive is closing smaller every day."
"This man is a coward and selfish. To top it all off, he is with a woman now who has 2 kids under the age of 7. You want to talk about mental health issues, yeah... hand raised over here." - kab1977

Reddit appears to agree: It may be okay to not want more children, but this guy should rethink telling his wife about the vasectomy, since she clearly wants children.

Hopefully once they've talked, they can decide what will each make them happiest.

*If you enjoyed this article, you can read more like it by clicking on the AITA link below.*