Thank God for hidden cameras!
You know how it is. You and your coworker are just going about your usual day-to-day business at the Recreational Cannabis Farmers Market in Shannonville, Ontario when four men pull up in a white Mazda SUV. Great, some sales are headed your way! Except they burst through the doors in ski masks telling you and your compatriot to "GET THE FUCK DOWN" so they can rob the store. Also they are spraying chemicals at you.
POP QUIZ: WHAT DO YOU DO?
If you answered "Grab a bong and beat they asses" you get an A+!!!
That's precisely what our hero did, and it all go captured on video:
This quick-thinking marijuana maverick grabbed a large bong and wielded it like a baseball bat at his would-be assailants whom, it turns out, are extremely stupid people who were using bear spray to subdue humans.
According to the local Tyendinaga Police Service, this is the second attempted robbery of a dispensary in the area in two weeks. They also heralded our bong-wielding hero's exploits as "great resistance," which is hard to disagree with.
As of now, the incident is still under investigation and the robbers are still at large, but something tells me there's nothing to worry about with this particular group of assailants.
Anyway, as you'd expect with a story like this, social media was alight in a haze of giggles:
@mashable This is the best headline I have ever read in my life.— Voodoo-JuJu (@Voodoo-JuJu)1536703310.0
@mashable What one can do with some dank bong water...— Jim Fishbob Geraghty (@Jim Fishbob Geraghty)1536703527.0
OMG I can't stop laughing hahahaha https://t.co/iX8kNg1oJu— Júlia (@Júlia)1536711557.0
And of course, weed puns galore:
Hits to the bong https://t.co/ZcYMN2CPrs https://t.co/FnbVJSbK2A— Rod McGuinness (@Rod McGuinness)1536703924.0
@mashable Bong to be wild!— niclet (@niclet)1536728844.0
@mashable Slowest chase ever https://t.co/AQgzOFzjsr— overbyte (@overbyte)1536703418.0
The stakes were high I guess https://t.co/XmTtl2JREE— ジェレミー (@ジェレミー)1536715609.0
This tale is Dope! "Wielding a bong like a baseball bat, he dodges a flying recycling bin..." https://t.co/8neCqCv4Wd— Dr Candida Spillard (@Dr Candida Spillard)1536703037.0
And, quite rightly, there was shortage of praise for our bong-swinging hero:
This guy is a STONER LEGEND he beat their asses with a BONG https://t.co/WX6icqzs9y— Joshuè (@Joshuè)1536711968.0
@mashable Not all Heroes wear Capes— JT (@JT)1536711396.0
But look, Ima let you finish, bong guy, but for my money the real star of this video is the clerk's impossibly miniscule little pupper:
No word on how he fared in this whole ordeal, but we can confirm he's a VERY good boi.