"When you become a father..."

"When you become a father all your sneezes must be loud and violent."

LegitimateGeek

This is definitely true of my friends' fathers. Is there something in the air?

"If the remote control..."

"If the remote control stops working, either slap it on your leg or open the back and roll the batteries a few times."

Straightener78

Do you have a camera recording and documenting my every action?!

"If there is bad weather..."

"If there is bad weather brewing outside you must stand on the porch and say something along the lines of "Well, the rain's coming I can feel it."

Dakintosh

And if you had an old injury, you must reference it to affirm your confidence that bad weather is coming!

"Unless you feel..."

"Unless you feel genuinely threatened, never purposefully hit a man in the balls."

[deleted]

That's definitely a low blow! Never go there, unless you absolutely have to. Ouch.

"If you're bald..."

"If you're bald and I'm bald, we're automatically bald brothers."

ChinaPanda

Do you greet each other by saying, "I like your haircut"?

"When leaving..."

"When leaving you must smack your pockets to make sure everything is there."

BigDoggoLover

Triple pat! Phone, keys, wallet!

"The guy in the garage..."

"The guy in the garage with the door open is the bat signal for fellow men to come over."

ponysoldierboy

Hey, hey, we're still in a pandemic and I still need you to stay away from me!

"Any object..."

"Any object carried by another male is immediately assessed for its weapon capacity."

SmallPiecesofWood

I don't know, I think ya'll need to calm down.

"You must let out..."

"You must let out a sigh of satisfaction when sitting down on a lawn chair."

[deleted]

Yes, you are correct.

I just think I wanted to sit down, so leave me be.

"One shall slap..."

"One shall slap the bag of soil in the garden center when passing by."

TheBassMeister

I pretty much do this to any bagged product. Dog food, landscaping rock, no bagged product is safe.

Men, if you haven't followed these rules just yet, you might want to take note. The rest of us are watching and judging you!

Have some suggestions of your own? Feel free to tell us more in the comments below!